Don't ask why. Just read. ===================================================================== M I T C H E L L G A M E ' 7 5 ===================================================================== a one-act play by Joe Blevins (joeblev@concentric.net) ===================================================================== inspired by the movie "Mitchell" ===================================================================== [Curtain opens to reveal a typical 1970s GAME SHOW SET. At stage left are two podiums behind which two CONTESTANTS are standing. At stage right is what appears to be a two-tiered JURY BOX with three seats on each tier. The set itself consists of plywood, glitter, flashing lights, and orange shag carpeting. We hear upbeat pseudo- funky theme music as an OFFSTAGE ANNOUNCER reads the introduction.] ANNOUNCER: It's time to match wits with the stars! [As the announcer reads the name of the CELEBRITIES, each enters, holds up a blue index card, and takes a seat in the jury box.] ANNOUNCER: From "Walking Tall," Joe Don Baker! [BAKER enters. His card reads: "I was told there would be sandwiches backstage."] ANNOUNCER: Legendary actor Martin Balsam! [BALSAM enters. His card reads: "I was in 'Psycho'... REALLY!"] ANNOUNCER: From the Los Angeles Rams, Merlin Olsen! [OLSEN enters. His card: "You don't send me flowers!"] ANNOUNCER: From an ill-advised marriage to John Derek, Linda Evans! [EVANS enters. Her card is blank.] ANNOUNCER: From the world of music, Hoyt Axton! [AXTON enters. His card: "Jeremiah Wuz Here!"] ANNOUNCER: And from "Enter the Dragon," the lovely Jon Saxon! [Saxon enters. His card: "'Black Christmas' Coming Soon to a Theater Near You!" He turns the card around. The other side says, "Get this boy a series!" The stars are all seated by now. The seating arrangement is as shown:] top tier (l to r): Joe Don Baker, Martin Balsam, Merlin Olsen bottom tier (l to r): Linda Evans, Hoyt Axton, Jon Saxon ANNOUNCER: It's time to play the big-name, big-cash "Blank Game 1975"! [A neon sign reading BLANK GAME 1975 is lowered in from above.] ANNOUNCER: And now, here's the host of "Blank Game 1975"... Gene Sideburns! [A panel in the middle of the set slides open, and out steps a genial, smiling GAME SHOW HOST clad in a rather obnoxious plaid suit. The host carries a suspiciously long hand-held microphone.] HOST: Hello, friends, and welcome once again to "Blank Game 1975." Thank you for that lovely introduction, Johnny Wholesome. This week, our celebrity panel is made up of the stars of a new film called "Mitchell." I've seen it, and it just sensational. I guarantee you, it's this year's "Serpico," and I'm *not* just saying that. Now, let's meet the celebrities, shall we? [The host steps over to the jury box. The celebrities ad lib various greetings. "Hi, Gene!", "Glad to be here," etc. The host ascends a small staircase to the upper tier.] HOST: Joe Don Baker, of course, we all remember as Sheriff Pusser in "Walking Tall." And in this film, he also plays a policeman. What was it like working on this movie, Joe Don? BAKER: Well, it was nice to be able to play a complex character like Mitchell with all the subtle nuances that... uh... Seriously, are there going to be sandwiches provided? Because I was told by the producer that... [The host nonchalantly interrupts.] HOST: That's fabulous. [to BALSAM] And you, Martin Balsam? What was the experience like for you? [Balsam's mind is clearly elsewhere.] BALSAM: I was in "Psycho." And "Twelve Angry Men," too. That was a good picture. I *have* been in good pictures. "Little Big Man"... "Breakfast at Tiffany's"... Lots of good pictures. HOST: Super. Turning our attention now to Merlin Olson. Merlin, we know you most as an athlete. OLSON: [after a pause] Yes. HOST: But now you're getting into acting. OLSON: [another pause] Yes. HOST: Think you can score another "home run" in Hollywood, so to speak? [A rather long pause here.] OLSON: Um... I played football. HOST: Of course you did. [The host descends the stairs to interview the stars on the second tier.] OLSON: Linda Evans! Glad to meet you! EVANS: Hi, Gene. [giggles] I made a funny. "Hi Gene"... hygiene... get it? HOST: Charming. Oh, and here's someone who's very popular with the young people today, Mr. Hoyt Axton. Forgive me, Hoyt, but I don't remember seeing you in the movie. AXTON: Well, I did the theme song. You remember... [sings] "My, my, my, my Mitchell... What would your Momma say?" HOST: Oh, yes, the theme song! How could I forget? I'm sure we'll be hearing that on the hit parade any day now. And now, last but not least, a veteran to our show, Mr. Jon Saxon! I believe this is Jon's seventeenth appearance on "The Blank Game." SAXON: Punch me in the stomach, Gene. HOST: Wha...? SAXON: Punch me in the stomach. I can take it. I've been working out. Feel my biceps. They're like steel. Go ahead. Feel 'em. [The host begs off, obviously disturbed by Saxon's behavior.] HOST: A pleasure as usual, Jon. Now, let's turn our attention to today's contestants... Rhoda Finch and Blaine Diffendorfer! [The host walks across the stage to the two podiums to greet the contestants. He starts with Rhoda, a young, thirty-ish housewife with a beehive and an ugly floral print dress.] HOST: Tell us a little bit about yourself, Rhoda. RHODA: Well, Gene, I'm from a wonderful town in Kansas called Flatrock. I'm married to a wonderful man named Harold, and we have four wonderful children -- Matthew, Mark, Luke, and Dodie. HOST: Wonderful, Rhoda. And what about you, Blaine Diffendorfer? [Blaine is a man in his twenties -- mustachioed, blow-dried, and clad in the finest artificial fabrics money can buy.] BLAINE: Well, Gene, I'm 24, unattached, and currently employed in the exciting world of television. HOST: Television, eh? What is it you do exactly? Acting? Writing? BLAINE: Oh, no. I help design and construct sound-proof booths for game shows. HOST: I see. Well, are you two ready to play the game? RHODA: Yes. BLAINE: You bet, Gene. HOST: Good. I'm sure you know how the game is played. I'll read each of you a sentence with a blank, and you'll do your best to try and guess how our celebrities will fill in that blank. Rhoda, you won the coin toss backstage, so you'll go first. Here's your sentence. "No breakfast is complete without a hot cup of !" Celebrities, write down your answers on the cards provided. Rhoda, you start thinking of an answer. ["Thinking" music plays as the celebrities scribble their responses on blue index cards. This goes on for maybe thirty seconds or so. During this time, Joe Don Baker stares quizzically at his card and scratches his head, Linda Evans traces her hand with her pen, and Jon Saxon mugs desperately at the offstage "camera" which is presumably filming the show, hoping for a few precious extra seconds of "face time." Eventually, all of the celebrities finish answering. The music stops.] HOST: All right, the music has stopped, which means our celebrities have finished writing their responses. Let's see how Rhoda will fill in that blank. [The host walks over to Rhoda's podium.] HOST: You remember the sentence, Rhoda. "No breakfast is complete without a hot cop of !" [Rhoda, nervous and awkward as any civilian would be under these circumstances, leans toward the microphone at her podium.] RHODA: That's a toughie, Gene, but I'm going to say, "coffee." [Noises off: enthusiastic applause. The host walks across the stage to the jury box.] HOST: Coffee, eh? Well, Rhoda, the audience seems to think you're right. Let's see what our celebrity panel has to say. Joe Don, how did you fill in that blank? Show us your card. [Baker holds up a blue index card with his answer written on it.] BAKER: [to Rhoda] Sorry, darling. I said, "Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill." [Noises off: buzzing sound, grumbles from audience.] BAKER: [confused] What happened? HOST: Well, Joe Don, you didn't match the contestant, so the judges pressed the buzzer. When you answer correctly, you'll hear a "ding." BAKER: Is that so, huh? Well, we'll just see about that. [Baker stands up and pulls a police-issue revolver from his suit coat. He descends the stairs from the jury box and stands at center stage. Everyone gasps in astonishment. Baker aims the gun at someone off-stage, quite possibly the judges. Suspenseful wocka- chicka music fades up in the background.] BAKER: Okay, you sons-of-bitches. I'm giving you 'til the count of three to change that "buzz" to a "ding." One... two... [In a series of swift, deft moves, the host springs into action. He grabs Baker's wrist, causing him to drop the gun. He then delivers a series of devastating, lightning-fast punches to Baker's face and gut. Attempting to retaliate, Baker swings his fist in the air in front of him, but the host ducks out of the way. Baker lunges at the host, but the wily emcee is able to fell the actor with a karate kick to the chest. Baker is now curled up on the floor, doubled up in pain. Funky background music stops.] HOST: You want a second helping, fatso, or have you had enough? BAKER: [coughing] Enough! Enough! HOST: All right, boys, you heard 'im. Take out the trash. [Two studio security guards enter and drag Baker offstage. The host grabs the gun and tosses it to a puzzled Hoyt Axton.] HOST: Take this, cowboy. And let's get Ron Palillo to fill in for Baker on the panel, okay? PRODUCER: [off] Right away, Gene! [RON PALILLO, dressed in his familiar "Horshack" costume, enters and quietly takes Baker's place on the panel. The host reverts to his previous genial state, as if the incident with Baker was a mere bump in the road.] HOST: So... how'd you fill in the blank, Martin Balsam? BALSAM: [shocked by what's occurred] I... I said "coffee," Gene. [Noises off: applause, bell rings. Rhoda is delighted and claps. Balsam is relieved. He lets out a sigh and wipes his brow.] HOST: Moving on to Merlin Olsen. Merlin, what was your answer? "No breakfast is complete without a hot bowl of..." OLSEN: Gee, that *was* a tough one. There were lots of good answers, but I said "soup." HOST: [bewildered] Soup for breakfast...? OLSEN: The producer said to write the first thing that came to our minds, and "soup" is what came to my mind. I mean, who doesn't like a good bowl of soup now and again? BALSAM: That's a lousy answer! OLSEN: It is *not* a lousy answer! BALSAM: You were a lousy butler, you're a lousy panelist, and that's a lousy answer. OLSEN: [losing his cool] Well... uh... I think YOU'RE a lousy butler! BALSAM: What? That doesn't even make sense! OLSEN: Or does it make so much sense that YOU CAN'T DEAL WITH IT? Huh? Maybe THAT'S the case! BALSAM: There's no talking to this guy. Move on, Gene. HOST: Move on I shall. Linda, honey, what did you finally write? EVANS: I forgot the question. HOST: "No breakfast is complete..." EVANS: No, I mean, that's what I wrote. "I forgot the question." [Linda Evans holds up her card. Sure enough, it says, "I FORGOT THE QUESTION." The audience applauds anyway. Linda giggles and smiles. Noises off: a buzz.] EVANS: Oh, well. Can't win 'em all. HOST: Now we come to Mr. Hoyt Axton. Give this woman a "coffee." AXTON: I couldn't disappoint a pretty little lady like Rhoda now, could I? [Rhoda giggles demurely.] AXTON: Of course I wrote the correct... [Suddenly, JOE DON BAKER staggers back onto the stage. He has dried blood on his upper lip and just generally looks like hell.] BAKER: All right! Nobody move... OR ELSE! HOST: [scoffing] Or else what? You don't have a gun! AXTON: That's right. *He* doesn't... but *I* do! [Axton stands up and points the gun directly at Baker. He slowly gets up from his chair and walks to center stage. All eyes are on him.] AXTON: Okay, everybody! Stay exactly where you are and listen up! For years, I've watched other artists take _MY_ songs to the top of the pop charts. You think Ringo Starr wrote "The No No Song"? Hell no! That was me! But do I get any of the acclaim? Nnnnnooooooooo!!!!!! I've been passed over for decent character roles time and again, so I have to take chickenshit jobs like writing the theme song for "Mitchell." And now that I finally get some airtime on network television, Buford Pus-Face over here [indicates Baker] hogs the limelight. Well, from here on out, it's all about ME, HOYT AXTON! I'm looking out for HOYT'S best interests. I'm gonna make you PAY, Baker! Get on your knees! [Joe Don Baker looks around, nervous.] AXTON: On your KNEES, pudge! [Baker gets down on his knees. Axton points the gun in his sweaty face. The host backs up, keeping his distance. The celebrities look horrified, except Linda Evans, who looks vacant.] AXTON: Do you know "Never Been to Spain"? BAKER: [terrified, trembling] Wh-what? AXTON: "Never Been to Spain." It's a song! I wrote it! BAKER: Y-yes... I, I think I know it. AXTON: You *think* you know it? YOU _THINK_ YOU KNOW IT? BAKER: I... I'm pretty sure... AXTON: "Pretty sure" ain't good enough. Do you _KNOW_ it? YES or NO? BAKER: Y-y-yes! AXTON: Then sing it, you fat fool! [Joe Don Baker is about to sing the first line of the song, but he is drowned out by the "Blank Game" theme song, which suddenly blares over the theater's sound system. Baker and Axton are very confused by this turn of events. The host steps forward, calm and collected.] HOST: It'll have to wait 'til tomorrow, because we're out of time. Join us tomorrow for another game of "Blank Game 1975." Goodbye! [The host, the contestants, and the panelists -- except for Baker and Axton -- exit. We hear thunderous applause.] ANNOUNCER: "Blank Game 1975" has been brought to you by Turtlewax. Stay tuned for "Tattletales" over most of these stations! [Music and applause die down. The two men are alone on the stage, utterly blindsided.] BAKER: [still a little scared] C-can I go now? AXTON: [disgusted] Aw, get out of here. [Baker scrambles to leave the stage. His big moment having passed, Axton sighs and walks off, humming the "Mitchell" theme song.] [Lights dim, curtain falls.] T H E E N D