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                NEVER WANTED TO BE NO GUNSLINGER
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       a one-act play by Joe Blevins (joeblev@concentric.net)
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                based on the movie "Gunslinger"
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[The stage is dark.  The curtain is down.  A COWBOY strumming a guitar
walks out onto the stage and talks to the audience in a folksy drawl.]

COWBOY: Well, howdy there, folks.  I'm Oracle Pete.  They call me
        Oracle Pete, 'cause I'm originally from Oracle.  [pause]
        And my name is Pete.  Anyhow, I'd like to tell you about my
        hometown.  Maybe you ain't heard of Oracle, but there was
        one thing that set Oracle apart from every other town in the
        Old West.  Oracle was the first city to appoint a lady sheriff.
        Rose Hill was her name -- pretty as a Texas rose, tough as a
        two-penny nail, and fast on the trigger.  Now, when she took
        the job, a lotta folks didn't think a woman could handle such
        a manly responsibility.  But Rose maintained law and order
        in Oracle... for a few weeks anyway before ninety percent of
        the population died by gunfire.  But before that, Rose Hill
        was the finest lady sheriff any Old West town ever had, and
        I'm sure that if more of the townspeople had survived her
        tenure, they'd be singing folk ballads about her today, which
        is just what I'm fixing to do now.

[He launches into cowboy folk ballad in 3/4 time.]

COWBOY: [sings] Her name was Rose Hill,
                And she carried a gun.
                She loved shooting bad guys
                For profit and fun.

                Her husband was killed
                By some mean desperados.
                She wanted to squash them
                Like ripe avocados.

                She asked to be sheriff.
                The mayor had doubts.
                But all other candidates
                Were beer-drinking louts.

                So he gave her a badge
                And a slack-jawed assistant.
                But the bad guys in Oracle
                Were extremely persistent.

                Then Rose fell in love
                With a man named Cain Muro.
                She kept his framed mugshot
                On top of her bureau.
                
                But Cain had been hired
                By Erica Page
                Whose Red Dog Saloon
                Had caused Rose so much rage.

                That Erica wanted
                To wipe out the city.
                She wasn't too nice,
                But I think she was pretty.

                She did nasty things
                For a couple of days
                With help from Cain Muro
                And Jonathan Haze.

                Then other stuff happened.
                I'm not quite sure what.
                But the town's population
                Was drastically cut.
                
                When it was all over,
                Rose Hill was alive.
                But no other people
                From this song survived.
                 
                Rose found being sheriff
                A pain in the ass.
                So she gave her badge
                To some guy named Sam Bass.

                Rose Hill had her fill
                Of deception and death. 
                So she settled down
                With a plumber named Jeff.

                So what was the moral
                Of this Western story?
                There's really not any,
                But at least it was gory!

[Song ends.]

COWBOY: And that's the way it happened, give or take a continuity error
        or two.  So what's Rose's life like today?  Well, let's take
        a look.

[The curtain rises to reveal a living room set -- lamps, couch, TV,
easy chair, etc.  The Cowboy exits.]

[Rose's husband, JEFF, is sitting in the easy chair watching TV.  He
wears overalls.  He is snacking on potato chips.]

JEFF: Hey, Rose, come in here!  They're showing that episode of "Gomer
      Pyle" where Gomer goes to a psychedelic hippie club.

[ROSE enters.  She wears a white shirt, form-fitting blue jeans, a red
scarf around her neck, boots, and a holster.  She looks great.]

ROSE: How many times have I told you, Jeff?  Don't snack on those
      potato chips before dinner!  You'll ruin your appetite.
JEFF: Aw, c'mon, Rose.  Nobody can eat just one.

[Rose draws her pistol, fires, and shoots a chip right out of Jeff's
hand.]

ROSE: Now drop the Ruffles.
JEFF: Oh all right.  You win.

[He drops the bag to the floor.]

ROSE: Good.  Now fix that clogged drain in the bathroom.
JEFF: Aw, can't it wait until the show is over?

[Rose fires at the TV set. It turns off instantly.]

ROSE: There.  Show's over.
JEFF: All right.  I'll go fix the drain.

[He trudges out of the room, reluctantly.  Rose walks to the easy
chair, sits down, and picks up a copy of TV Guide from a nearby
end table.]

ROSE: [reading] Oh, good!  They're re-running "Cagney & Lacey" on 
      Lifetime.

[Rose shoots the TV again.  It comes back on.  We hear the "Cagney &
Lacey" theme song. Rose settles in for the show.]

[Lights dim.  Curtain falls.]

                           [THE END]