=====================================================================
                        FLY LIKE AN EEGAH!
=====================================================================
       a one-act play by Joe Blevins (joeblev@concentric.net)
=====================================================================
                    based on the movie "Eegah!"
=====================================================================

[Lights up.  Curtain rises to reveal country club set.  We see
various deck chairs and tables with umbrellas.  There is a small
kiddie swimming pool in the middle of the stage.  A painted backdrop
depicts the night sky and a tall fence.  There's a rock band set
up behind the pool.  They are pug-nosed, pompadoured ARCH HALL, JR.
and his slackjawed BANDMATES.  They wear white tuxedoes.  They
are just finishing a song as the play begins.  We hear scattered
applause.]

ARCH HALL, JR.: Thank you.  Thank you very much.  That was a little
                number called "Betty Lou."  Before that was "Didi,"
                and before that was "Emily" and our medley of songs
                about girls named Rita.  Right now, I'd like to ask
                if there are any requests.
VOICE FROM OFFSTAGE: Yeah, I got a request!  Shut the hell up!
ARCH HALL, JR.: Any other requests?  [pause]  Any at all?

[We hear a grating, cloying FEMALE VOICE that sounds eerily familiar.]

FEMALE VOICE: I have a request!  How about you play the song "Roxy"?
ANOTHER VOICE: Yeah, play "Roxy"!

[Arch looks a little nervous and begins to sweat.]

ARCH HALL, JR.: Gosh, I don't know, I...

[A chant is building up in the audience.]
 
CROWD:  "Roxy"!  "Roxy"!  "Roxy"!
ARCH HALL, JR.: Oh, okay.  I'll play "Roxy."

[Cheering.  Arch looks like he's going to turn green.]

ARCH HALL, JR.: Uh, I'm not sure if the other guys in the band know
                this one, so I think I'll go it alone at first, and
                they can join in when they feel comfortable.  Okay?
BANDMATES: Fine with us.
ARCH HALL, JR.: Okey-doke.  Well, here goes...

[Arch makes the sign of the cross, folds his hands, and says a silent
prayer.  He strums a few tentative chords, clearly winging it.  He
tries to improvise some lyrics.]

ARCH HALL, JR.: [sings] Some girls have grace.
                        Others have moxie.
                        But none of them can hold a candle
                        To my little Roxy.
                        Now you can call her cute,
                        Or you can call her foxy,
                        But just don't call her for a date,
                        'Cause only I date Roxy.
               [chorus] Oh Roxy, Oh Roxy,
                        Your car is small and boxy,
                        But I love you.
                        Ooh woo woo woo.
               [bridge] She looks like an angel,
                        And smells like a rose.
                        She's not too grossed out
                        By my misshapen nose.
                        She don't seem to care
                        That I look like an otter,
                        And she knows my tires
                        Are filled up with water.
            [2nd verse] I'd love you through the mail.
                        Or I'd love you by proxy.
                        But I'd rather love you in person.
                        'Cause you're so pretty, Roxy.
                        Now I would drive through Hell
                        Or even through Biloxi
                        Just to have a date with you,
                        My darling little Roxy.
               [chorus] Oh Roxy, Oh Roxy
                        Just like a strong epoxy
                        I'll stick to you.
                        Ooh woo woo woo.

[Arch's song comes to an uncertain finish.  The crowd sits in stunned
silence. Then the booing and catcalls start.]

ARCH HALL, JR.: [to himself] Uh-oh.  They're turning on me.  I'd better
                think of something quick!  [to bandmates]  All right,
                guys.  We're going to Plan R.  That's "R" as in "Robert
                I.  Miller."  Got that?
BANDMATES: [shocked] Plan R?
ARCH HALL, JR.: Plan R.

[The band launches into its all-purpose contingency song.]

ARCH HALL, JR.: [sings] Tall and tan and young and lovely,
                        The girl from...

[EEGAH, a seven foot-tall caveman in a furry toga, plods onto the
stage, weilding a club.  He bonks Arch on the head, and the greasy
Elvis wannabe falls face first into the kiddie pool.]

[Cheers and applause.]

[Eegah takes the other members of the band into a football huddle.
They discuss something, but we can't hear exactly what.  They emerge
from the huddle and launch into a blistering version of "Kick Out
the James" by the MC5.]

EEGAH: Eegah gonna kick out jams, melonfarmers!

[Lights dim.  An aged IGGY POP steps onto the stage and talks to the
audience.  A spotlight follows him.]

IGGY POP: And that, my friends, was how punk rock was born one
          balmy summer night in 1962.  Eegah's raw, unwashed sound
          shook the snoozing rock world, and its repercussions are
          still being felt today.  In fact...
BADLY PRERECORDED VOICE: "Watch out for snakes."

[A stagehand throws a lifeless rubber snake at Iggy Pop, who pretends
to wrestle it.]

[Lights dim.  Curtain falls.]

                           [THE END]