I haven't written one of these one-act plays for quite some time. I haven't written much of ANYTHING for the last few months, due to a combination of severe writer's block, job responsibilites, fatigue, and depression. Anyhow, I know I promised RATMM that I wouldn't inflict any more of these things on you, but, well.. I lied. ===================================================================== THE MANOS WHO CAME TO DINNER ===================================================================== a one-act play by Joe Blevins (joeblev@conentric.net) ===================================================================== based on the movie "'Manos' The Hands of Fate" ===================================================================== [Curtain rises.] [The setting is one of those chain restaurants you find in shopping malls. The walls are covered with old movie posters, road signs, and various "wacky" antiques. We see several patrons at their tables, stuffing themselves with buffalo wings and fried onions. Seated at a table in the middle of the room is a pleasant-looking young couple, GARY and DENISE. They are looking through the restaurant's colorful, oversized menus. A sign up above reads: "T.J. McHOULIHAN'S: There Is No Way Out of Here!"] GARY: I've heard good things about this place. I hear the mozarella sticks are amazing. DENISE: And Heather says they've got a sassy waitstaff. GARY: Speaking of waitstaff, where's our waiter, anyway? We've been here like ten minutes. Shouldn't he have taken our drink orders by now? [Suddenly, music fades in. It is a creepy, repetitive four-note theme, familiar to all viewers of MST3K.] [TORGO -- the whiskery, goat-like caretaker with the inflamed knees -- enters unsteadily and hobbles toward the table. He is wearing the T.J. McHoulihan's uniform: black pants, black shoes, white short sleeve shirt, red vest covered with "zany" buttons, black bowtie, and red visor with the T.J. McHoulihan's logo.] [The music stops as Torgo reaches Denise and Gary's table.] TORGO: [wobbly, braying voice] wElcOmE tO t.C. mChOuLiHaN's. i aM tOrGo. i wIlL bE yOuR wAiTeR tOnIgHt. tOnIgHt iS mArGaRiTa mOnDaY. mArGaRiTaS aRe tWo fOr tHe pRiCe oF oNe. wOuLd eItHeR oF yOu tWo cArE fOr aN aPpeTiZer? sOmE cHeEsE sTiCkS oR a pLaTe oF cHiLi fRiEs, pErHaPs? DENISE: Um, I don't know. What are your soups tonight? TORGO: tHeRe iS nO sOuP tOnIgHt. iT wIlL bE dArK sOoN. tHeRe iS nO sOuP tOnIgHt. DENISE: No soup? But what about that sign outside that says, "Soup and Salad Combo"? TORGO: nO, mAdAm, nOt sOuP tHe wAy yOu aNd i kNoW iT. tHe mAnAgEr wOuLd nOt aPprOvE oF a sOuP aNd sAnDwIcH cOmBo. nOt sOuP tHe wAy yOu aNd i kNoW iT. [Torgo sticks his arm out and starts rubbing Denise's hair. Denise slaps his hand away.] DENISE: [to Torgo] Stop that this instant! TORGO: fOrGiVe mE, mAdAm. i dOn'T kNoW wHaT cOmEs oVeR mE sOmEtImEs. DENISE: Gary, I don't think I like this place. Let's go to Chili's. GARY: Aw, c'mon, Denise. Chili's is way over on the other side of the mall. There's nothing to worry about. It's just the sassy waitstaff that Heather was telling you about. DENISE: All right, but he'd better keep his hands off my hair. TORGO: i wOuLd nEvEr hUrT yOu, mAdAm. tHe mAnAgEr lIkEs yOu. hE wAnTs yOu fOr hIs wIfE. bUt hE cAn'T hAvE yOu. i wAnT yOu fOr mYsElF. [Torgo leers at Denise and starts to paw at her shoulder. Denise looks disgusted.] DENISE: Ewww! Gross! Get away from me, freak. TORGO: sOrRy, mAdAm. iT wOn'T hApPeN aGaIn. {Gary loudly clears his throat.] GARY: Excuse me, uh, Torgo, but aren't you going to take our drink orders? TORGO: i aPolOgIzE, sIr. wHaT wOuLd yOu lIkE tO dRiNk? GARY: That depends. What kinds of beer do you have? TORGO: bEeR, sIr? GARY: Yes, David Cop-a-Feel. You know -- beer! The stuff you drink! Do you have Dos Equis? Or Sam Adams? TORGO: nO, sIr. tHe mAsTeR wOuLd nOt aPpRoVe oF sUcH bEvErAGeS. GARY: That's your answer to everything. Look, Torgo, I want to see this manager of yours. Where is he? TORGO: hE iS wItH uS aLwAys. GARY: [looking around] Where? I don't see him. TORGO: hE iS wItH uS aLwAyS. GARY: You said that already. Just go and get him. TORGO: vErY wElL, sIr. [Torgo hobbles away, and we hear the repetitive four-note theme again. It stops when Torgo is out of view.] GARY: I don't know where they find these people. Honestly! This Torgo guy is almost as bad as that waiter at Bennigan's. DENISE: Well, what do you expect with the kind of salary these people make? GARY: Yeah. I guess you get what you pay for. [Torgo returns, this time accompanied by the MANAGER, a tall, gaunt fellow with a widow's peak, dark mustache, and sinister sneer. The MANAGER wears an ankle-length cloak with the T.J. McHoulihan's logo stitched on the back. He carries a long staff with a metal "hand" at one end.] MANAGER: Why have you summoned me? You have angered the god Manos. TORGO: mAStEr, tHeY wAnTeD tO... MANAGER: Silence! I will hear from our guests. GARY: Uh, well, we were asking him about the soup of the day and what kinds of beers you had, and he just kept saying, "The manager wouldn't approve." Oh, and he tried to paw my girlfriend a couple of times. MANAGER: Did he tell you about our Jalapeno Dippers? GARY: Uh, no, actually. MANAGER: [angrily, to Torgo] You fool! I told you to push the Jalapeno Dippers! You have failed as Torgo! It is the will of Manos that you shall die! The almighty Manos commands it! You are not worthy to wear the proud uniform of the T.J. McHoulihan's restaurant chain! GARY: Well, there's no need to make such a big fuss. [The Manager waves the staff at Torgo. Torgo leaps out of the way. The Manager starts to chase Torgo around the table.] DENISE: I think this waitstaff is a bit _too_ sassy for my taste. GARY: Yeah, they could really take some pointers from the people at T.G.I. Friday's. [Meanwhile the chase continues.] TORGO: yOu cAnNot hAvE tHiS oNe. sHe iS mInE. MANAGER: Arise, my wives, and capture the infidel! [About a dozen young women in white nightgowns enter. They tackle Torgo to the ground, then start arguing amongst themselves. Really bad jazz music is played over the sound system.] WIFE #1: You said you'd trade shifts with me, Angie! WIFE #2: I never said that, Shannon! I had an electrolysis appointment that day! WIFE #1: Sounds like a big job. [These two wives start wrestling.] WIFE #3: Okay, who used up the last of my Aquanet? WIFE #4: I did! I was all out! WIFE #3: You should have asked first! [These two wives start wrestling. The other wives choose up sides and join in the fracas.] MANAGER: Stop this foolish bickering and obey the will of Manos, or you can all start looking for work at some other restaurant! I hear Chi Chi's is hiring. [One of the wives drags the Manager into the brawl. The fighting carries on like this for several moments until all the participants are lying unconscious on the floor.] GARY: Lucky we didn't say anything about the dirty knife! [Gary and Denise mug to the audience. A 16-Ton Weight falls on them.] [Abrupt blackout.] ["THE END?"]