=====================================================================
                   BRIDE OF THE MONSTER REVISITED
=====================================================================
       a one-act play by Joe Blevins (joeblev@concentric.net)
=====================================================================
              based on the movie "Bride of the Monster"
=====================================================================

[Curtain rises.]

[The setting is the drawing room of the old Willows Place, a decaying
mansion in the swamp.  DR. ERIC VORNOFF, a decrepit Hungarian mad
scientist, is sitting in a leather armchair in front of a roaring fire
and leafing through the travel section of the Sunday New York Times.
LOBO, his bald, hulking assistant, is sitting on the floor, cutting
out strings of paper dolls.  The mood is carefree and tranquil.]

VORNOFF: [with Dracula accent] I just love our Sundays together, Lobo.
         Just you and me and not a care in the world.
LOBO: Lobo love Sundays with Doctor, too.
VORNOFF: Maybe after a while, we could do some decoupage and watch
         Home and Garden Television.
LOBO: Lobo like decoupage.  [guffaws]

[Just then, there is a knock at the door.  The mood goes sour.]

VORNOFF: [miffed] It never fails.  Just when I'm reading a fascinating
         article about Colonial Williamsburg!  Why can't they leave me
         alone?!?

[Vornoff angrily gets up from his chair and walks over to a door at
stage left.  He opens it.  Outside is a young man, a neo-hippie
ACTIVIST holding a clipboard.]

VORNOFF: What do you want?  You are not welcome here!
ACTIVIST: Hi!  My name is Kevin, and I'm collecting signatures on
          behalf of "Hug the Wetlands," a charitable organization
          devoted to preserving our nation's precious swamps.
VORNOFF: Go away!  You cannot stay here!
ACTIVIST: Sir, I'm sure as a person who makes his home in the marsh,
          you're well aware of the value of...
VORNOFF: Okay, that does it.  [calling]  DARRYL!  Get out here!  We've
         got company!

[There's no answer.]

VORNOFF: Darryl?  Where are you?  Where is that octupus?  What's the
         point of having a killer octopus if he's not there to kill
         trespassers?
ACTIVIST: A killer octopus, huh?  Pretty scary.  But not as scary as
          what could happen to this fragile ecosystem if something
          isn't done to protect it.
VORNOFF: [calling desperately] Darryl!

[A tentacle is extended onto the stage, indicating that there's
supposed to be a whole octopus just out of view.]

DARRYL: [offstage] Um, I'm a little busy.  I'm making that marzipan 
        you said you wanted.  I can't be in two places at once.
VORNOFF: Never mind.  I'll get rid of him myself.

[Vornoff tries to do the old hypnotism bit by staring at Kevin and
wiggling his fingers in front of his face.  It doesn't work.]

ACTIVIST: Look, sir, if you'd like me to come back later...
VORNOFF: [angrily grabs the clipboard]  Give me that! [signs his name]
         There!  Now go away!

[Vornoff slams the door in his face.  There is a pause.  Then another
knock on the door.  Vornoff opens it, and the activist is still 
standing there.]

ACTIVIST: Care to take one of our "Honk if You Love Preserving Our
          Nation's Precious Wetlands" bumper stickers?
VORNOFF: No!

[Vornoff again slams the door and sullenly returns to his armchair.]

VORNOFF: What's happened to me, Lobo?  I used to be so evil, and now
         I'm getting mushy and soft in my old age.
LOBO: No, Doctor.  Is not true.
VORNOFF: I'm afraid it is, my freakish friend.  The old Dr. Vornoff
         would have captured that young man and used him in a 
         fiendish experiment that would have inevitably ended with his 
         grisly and pointless death.
LOBO: Doctor still plenty evil for Lobo.
VORNOFF: Oh, you're just saying that!

[Darryl's tentacle reaches in.]

DARRYL: [offstage] No, it's true.  You're the most evil person I know,
        and I once worked with Zsa Zsa Gabor!
VORNOFF: [impressed] Zsa Zsa?  Really?
DARRYL: Really.  Heck, you've got a woman chained up in your lab 
        right now!  Remember, the lady reporter?

[We hear a woman's scream from offstage.]

VORNOFF: Hey!  I'd forgotten about her!
DARRYL: And let's not forget those poor bastards you fed to me last 
        week.
LOBO: Even Lobo scared of Doctor!  You one bad mutha...
DARRYL: Shut your mouth!
LOBO: Lobo just talkin' bout Vornoff!

[Wocka chicka music fades in.]

DARRYL: Who's the bad Hungarian dude who's vile, lecherous, and lewd?
LOBO: Vornoff!
DARRYL: Can you dig it?  Who's the man who takes no lip and tortures 
        Lobo with a whip?
LOBO: Vornoff!
DARRYL: Right on!

[Wocka chicka music stops.]

VORNOFF: Aw, you guys are the best.

[Lobo and Vornoff embrace.  Darryl wraps his tentacle around both of
them. (I suppose this will require a bit of clever puppeteering.)
They maintain the group hug as they shuffle off the stage, singing.]

ALL: It's a long way to Tipperary!
     It's a long way to go!
     It's a long way to Tipperary to the sweetest girl I know...

{NOTE: Lobo sings this as "Is long way Tip-ary / Is long way go."}

[After they have exited and the stage is empty, the door opens and
Kevin the activist sticks his head back in.]

ACTIVIST: [sings] They're gonna make it after all!
VORNOFF: [offstage] I told you to go away.

[From offstage, Vornoff tosses a fishing boot at Kevin's head.]

ACTIVIST: Ow!

[Lights dim.  Curtain falls.]

                             [THE END]