===================================================================== WAKE ME UP BEFORE YOU MONSTER A-GO GO ===================================================================== a one-act play by Craig J. Clark (cjclark@earthlink.net) ===================================================================== based on the movie "Monster a-Go Go" ===================================================================== [In the darkness there is the sound of a huge splash. Or rather, someone making the sound of a huge splash over a microphone.] [Lights up. They are quite dim and will remain so throughout the play so as to make everything difficult to see, even though it is bright daylight. There is a large blue cloth about two feet high across the front of the stage. It is undulating so as to mimic the swells of the ocean, which it represents. There is a space capsule bobbing in the water at center stage. The door is opened and an ASTRONAUT pops his head out of it. He takes his helmet off to reveal that he is none other than FRANK DOUGLAS, alive, well, and of normal size. He puts the helmet down inside the capsule and shakes his head, attempting to clear the cobwebs that are evidently in there.] FRANK: Hoo, that was some splashdown. Well, I'm glad to be home -- and awake. Man, that was such a crazy dream. I dreamt I was 800 miles away and that I was a ten-foot tall, radioactive monster, wreaking havoc wherever I went. I trashed some scientist's lab, I broke up a dance at a discotheque, I left radioactive burns all over the place... Finally I went into this tunnel, where I was seemingly surrounded by the military, and wham, here I am floating in the Pacific Ocean. At least, I assume it's the Pacific because it's blue, but that doesn't prove anything. I mean, the Indian Ocean is blue, isn't it? [shakes his head] Still, that's one for my dream journal. [Over the speakers, we hear the sound of someone making helicopter sounds into a microphone. Occasionally he has to pause to take a breath, but then he starts right back up again. The sounds start low, but very quickly get very loud. The blue cloth undulates more rapidly. FRANK shields his eyes and looks up. He has to shout over the helicopter sounds.] FRANK: Is that a helicopter? It is! I'm rescued! Hooray! Not that I wasn't expecting this considering how well funded our space program is, but hey! I'm being rescued! [A MAN on a rope ladder is slowly lowered from the rafters. He hangs there, looking down at FRANK. He also has to shout over the noise.] MAN: Hey, are you Frank Douglas, the astronaut? FRANK: I am! MAN: Are you alive, well, and of normal size? [FRANK looks down to check himself. He nods.] FRANK: I am! MAN: You're not a giant, are you? FRANK: I don't think so! MAN: All right, then! I'm here to rescue you! FRANK: Super! [The MAN is lowered until he is at water level. Then he climbs up a few rungs so that FRANK can get hold of the ladder. Being in close proximity, they don't have to shout as much, but their voices still need to be raised.] FRANK: Are you from the space program? MAN: Oh, heck, no. You think they can afford a helicopter? Naw, we're freelance helicopter rescuers. FRANK: You rescue helicopters on a freelance basis? [The MAN looks at him blankly.] FRANK: So, how did you know where to find me so fast? I just splashed down. MAN: Listen, do you want to be rescued or not? FRANK: Yes. MAN: Then shut up and climb on. [FRANK reaches into the capsule to grab his helmet and a few other items, and laboriously climbs out and onto the ladder, which is being held steady.] FRANK: I can't tell you how glad I am to be out of that tin can. MAN: [a little further away] What? FRANK: I said, I can't tell you glad I am to-- MAN: WHAT? FRANK: I SAID-- MAN: Hold on a moment. [looks out over the audience] Hey, could you knock off the helicopter noises for a bit? We're trying to talk here. [The helicopter sounds sputter out, duly chastened. The MAN looks down at FRANK.] MAN: You were saying? FRANK: I SAID, I CAN'T-- MAN: Hey, there's no need to shout. FRANK: Oh, right. Force of habit. I can't tell you how glad I am to be out of that tin can. MAN: Umm, didn't you just do that? FRANK: Oh, hey. I guess I did. Fancy that. [The MAN looks up at the offstage helicopter and makes a signal.] MAN: All right, take us up! [Nothing happens.] MAN: I said, take us up! [We hear a VOICE over the speakers.] VOICE: [petulant] Can I make the sounds? MAN: [sighs] Yes, you can make the sounds. VOICE: All right! [The helicopter sounds start up in earnest. Slowly, the rope ladder rises up into the rafters, taking FRANK and the MAN with it. At the same time, the blue cloth is lowered to the floor, getting more calm as it goes.] FRANK: So, you do a lot of this rescuing, then? MAN: What? [As they go out of view, the lights dim and the helicopter sounds fade out. After a moment, a spotlight picks out a man in a suit. He is the NARRATOR from the movie.] NARRATOR: See, I was right. Frank Douglas *was* rescued alive, well, and of normal size some 800 miles away. It's a great ending. It makes perfect sense that there was no giant, no monster, no thing called Douglas to be followed. There was nothing in the tunnel but the puzzled men of courage who-- [Suddenly he is hit by a barrage of rotting fruit and vegetables from all sides. He tries to take cover, but there is none to be found. Eventually he is completely covered with rotten produce. The barrage stops and all we hear is his plaintive cry:] NARRATOR: Mommy! [Blackout.] T H E E N D ===================================================================== RECENT ADDITIONS TO THE MST3K ONE-ACT PLAY PROJECT ===================================================================== [106] I Wanna Hold Your Crawling Hand [202] I Think We're Getting Sidehacked Here (or: Two Pages the Hard Way) [209] Hellcat in a Nice Air-Conditioned Store [306] What's Eating Gilbert This Time of the Grapes? [511] Never Wanted to Be No Gunslinger [513] The Death Scene That Wouldn't End (b/w Things to Do in Denver with Bill's Dad) [518] Pinky and the Atomic Brain [606] Where Terror Creeps, Trouble (Eventually) Follows [607] A Very Bloodlust Christmas [622] The Exfoliating Angels [706] Dial L for Laserblast (Featuring the Music of Laserblast Black Mambazo!) You can read these one-act plays and more at http://home.earthlink.net/~cjclark/mstplays.htm