===================================================================== HOW TO TORMENT A GUY IN ONE PLAY ===================================================================== a one-act play by Joe Blevins (joseph.blevins@verizon.net) ===================================================================== based on the movie "Tormented" ===================================================================== [Before the curtain opens, we hear piano music. It is pedestrian, bland cocktail-lounge jazz.] [Curtain opens. Lights up on a very oddly-decorated living room. At stage left, sitting at an upright piano, is TOM STEWART -- sort of a doughy, sweaty Bogart wannabe. Although the music is quite unremarkable, Tom seems to be straining for every note -- as if there were no more where that came from. There is a great deal of visible perspiration on his forehead and upper lip.] [Behind Ted is a brick wall with some unrecognizable caricatures, drawn in thick black crayon. At center stage is a lumpy couch, and at stage right is a bar and a hi-fi. On the wall behind the couch is a metallic embossed portrait of a rooster, right next to the door.] [Ted hits a very sour chord and turns away from the piano in disgust. He rubs his eyes. Suddenly, we hear a GHOSTLY VOICE coming from somewhere offstage.] GHOSTLY VOICE: Toooom Steeeeewart! [Tom looks up, vaguely annoyed.] TOM: Not now, Vi. This isn't a good time for me. Try again in thirty minutes or so. [The voice, hereafter referred to as VI, is insistent.] VI: No one will ever have you but me! TOM: Look, Vi, sweetheart. I'm trying to practice. If I don't have this song learned by Thursday, Snooky Lanson's going to break my my thumbs. So give it a rest, huh? Please? For me? VI: I'll never let you marry Meg! Only I can have you! TOM: You're too late, Vi. We've already got the reception hall booked, and the caterer is making the canapés even as we speak. If there's any left over, you can have 'em. Deal? VI: That does it, Tom Stewart! I'm going to haunt you like you've never been haunted before. BEHOLD MY AWESOME, MIND-BENDING POWER! [A bottle of whiskey from the mini-bar begins to levitate. It floats over to a shot glass and fills it. The shot glass then levitates over to Tom.] [Tom grabs the shot glass. He seems more appreciative than scared.] TOM: Thanks, Vi. I needed a drink. VI: Had enough, Tom? Ready to surrender? TOM: Nah. Not really. VI: Very well. You leave me no choice. Time to take this haunting to LEVEL TWO! [More objects levitate through the air towards Tom. They are a bathrobe and slippers. Tom grabs these, too, and puts them on. He is not the least bit scared by this.] TOM: I was wondering where those had gotten to. Thanks again, Vi. You're a swell dame. VI: I see you were not deterred by the bathrobe and slippers. You must be made of stronger stuff. You force me to unleash THE ULTIMATE HORROR. [The hi-fi turns on by itself. The needle drops on a very soothing pop jazz record.] VI: I'm sorry it had to come to this, Tom, but I needed to make you see how serious I am about this whole haunting thing. TOM: [barely paying attention] Uh-huh. [Tom lies on the couch, sipping his drink and listening to the music. He is very content and relaxed.] VI: But in case you still aren't completely terrified, I'll let you in on another ghoulish secret. You know that blind real estate lady? [For the first time, Tom is slightly concerned.] TOM: You didn't kill her or anything, didja? VI: No. But I _was_ indirectly responsible for her not being able to order an egg salad sandwich!* [Pause. Tom's mild concern subsides quickly.] TOM: Oh. Is that all? VI: Is that all? Tom, I RUINED THAT WOMAN'S LUNCH! TOM: Look, Vi, I haven't got all day. Do you want to get to the point? VI: Oh, I'll get to the point, all right! [We hear the squeaking of pulleys. Very slowly, the blonde-wigged head of a department store mannequin is lowered from above. It's supposed to look like Vi's severed head is hovering in the middle of the room, but the effect leaves something to be desired. It leaves everything to be desired, really.] [Vi's voice is still coming from offstage.] VI: Tom Stewart killed me! Tom Stewart killed me! [Vi repeats this over and over. But then, a SECOND GHOSTLY VOICE starts overlapping her.] 2nd VOICE: Ted Swenson killed me! Ted Swenson kiiiilled meeeee! VI: Hey! What's the big idea, talking over me like that! I'm trying to haunt here! Who the hell are you? 2nd VOICE: I'm Vera! I'm haunting my murderous ex-lover, Ted Swenson! TOM: Um, there's nobody here by that name. 2nd VOICE: Are you sure? TOM: Positive. I'm Tom Stewart. 2nd VOICE: Then this isn't 1415 Edgemore? TOM: No, this is 1411. You want the Swenson place two doors down. 2nd VOICE: This is so embarrassing. Gosh, I'm sorry I troubled you. I'm just that I'm so new at hauting. TOM: Don't sweat it, toots. We all make mistakes. 2nd VOICE: Thanks for being so understanding. Ta! [Silence.] [Vi makes a throat clearing sound, then continues as before:] VI: Tom Stewart killed me! Tom Stewart killed me! [Tom interrupts her.] TOM: Technically, Vi, that's not true. VI: What do you mean, technically? TOM: Well, I didn't PUSH you off that lighthouse. You fell, and I merely chose not to save you. I mean, it was YOUR fat ass that broke the railing. Maybe if you'd laid off the cheesecake, we wouldn't be in this mess. VI: [enraged] Why, you no-good, two-timing, backstabbing jazzman! That's the most insensitive thing I've ever heard in all my life. I mean, honestly... [Ted, tired of this game, gets up from the couch. He sets his now- empty shot glass on top of the piano.] TOM: It's been great hearing from you, Vi, but I think I'll head for the kitchen. All this talk of egg salad sandwiches has made me hungry. [He exits.] VI: Hey! Wait a minute! I wasn't finished! Where are you going? Come back here. Come back here this instant! Don't make me dust the knick-knacks! [No response.] VI: He'll be back. [Silence again. Suddenly, the front door opens, and little SANDY enters. She is an aggressively adorable little girl in a sailor suit.] SANDY: Tom? You home? I got you those pills from Mommy's medicine cabinet like you wanted. [Sandy looks up, sees Vi's severed head, and shrieks. She runs out the door.] VI: At least SOMEONE around here knows a good haunting when they see it! [Sandy returns, now holding a plastic baseball bat. She is still shrieking, but it is out of joy.] SANDY: Oh boy! A real live pinata! Thanks, Tom! I've always wanted one of these! VI: Hey, kid, I'm no pinata! I'm... SANDY: And it talks, too! That's so neat! [Sandy begins hitting Vi repeatedly with the bat.] VI: Ow! Cut it out, kid! SANDY: Boy, this thing is tough to break! I guess I'll just have to hit it a little harder! [Sandy continues swinging madly at Vi with the baseball bat as the lights dim and the curtain falls.] [THE END] * Yes, there IS a scene in the original movie about the blind woman not being able to order an egg salad sandwich. That Bert I. Gordon, you've gotta love him. Or not.