===================================================================== THE FEARLESS SHREW KILLERS OR: PARDON ME, BUT YOUR TEETH ARE IN MY ANKLE ===================================================================== a one-act play by Craig J. Clark (cjclark@earthlink.net) ===================================================================== based on the movie "The Killer Shrews" ===================================================================== [Lights up on a rather shabby living room set. There is bar at upstage right, a couch and fireplace to stage left and a table at center with some chairs around it and a piano bench to stage left. There is a typewriter and some paper on the table. There is a large window on the upstage wall and entrances on both sides of the stage. Throughout the play, there is the constant sound of wind in the background.] [The stage is empty for a moment, then THORNE SHERMAN, substitute boat captain, enters from stage right, followed by DR. MILO CRAIGIS, a scientist in a rumpled jacket and tie, his daughter ANN, and his drunk assistant JERRY. They head straight for the bar, but JERRY is the only one who immediately gets a drink for himself.] DR. MILO: I vish you would reconsider and take my daughter away vith you tonight. THORNE: I told you, I can't do that. A hurricane's coming. When I was out there on the sea, the pressure dropped so fast it almost made my ears pop. I even had my first mate break out the Heavy Weather Hook. [This hangs in the air for a few seconds. When ANN breaks the silence, it is with an unidentifiable, but vaguely European accent.] ANN: Father, vy don't you offer the captain a drink? DR. MILO: Yes, of course. Vill you join us in a cocktail? THORNE: I'd love to, but are you sure you have a glass large enough? [There is the sound of a storm shutter being blown open. ANN screams and runs into THORNE's arms. DR. MILO turns to JERRY, who is pouring himself a refill.] DR. MILO: Jerry! Vould you please make sure that shutter is secure? JERRY: [surly] Oh, sure thing, doc. It's not like I was doing anything important. [He staggers off. DR. MILO turns back to THORNE, who is comforting ANN.] DR. MILO: Storms alvays frighten her, ever since she vas a child. ANN: I could use a martini. Do you mind? THORNE: Why would I mind if you have a martini? [There is an awkward pause. The stage left door opens and a slightly balding man with slicked-back hair, a tan suit and glasses set low on his nose enters, looking quite serious. Without actually sitting on the bench that's there, he crouches in front of the typewriter and starts typing. He, by the way, is DR. RADFORD BAINES. As he types, he speaks excitedly.] BAINES: Two new litters since lunch! I had no idea how easy it was going to be to breed genetically-altered shrews. If I had known it was going to be this easy, I would have started doing it years ago! Well, I gotta go now. Got a lot more killer shrews to breed before dinner! [He leaves again, without ever acknowledging that anyone else was in the room.] THORNE: Did he say killer shrews? [JERRY re-enters and goes straight back to the bar.] JERRY: Hokay, the shutters are all locked. Are you happy? Now can I get back to my work? [He finishes pouring his drink, which he immediately pours down his throat.] DR. MILO: Ve wouldn't have to worry about the shutters if you hadn't let the killer shrews out of their cages. JERRY: You know, I'm getting a little tired of being called an irresponsible drunk. DR. MILO: Then stop being vone. [THORNE disengages himself from ANN.] THORNE: You did say killer shrews. If you'll excuse me, I need to go make sure my jazz-loving first mate Rook isn't shrew-food. [As he makes for the door, ANN runs to the mantle, grabs the gun sitting there, and points it at him.] ANN: No vone opens that gate at night! There are two to three hundred giant shrews out there, monsters veighing between fifty and a hundred pounds! THORNE: Why, that's as big as a full-grown wolf! JERRY: Geez, Ann, do you have to tell the whole world our business? ANN: They're the most horrible animals on the face of the earth! THORNE: Thank you, I get the idea. Oh, by the way, you can put the gun down. I'm not going anywhere tonight -- except to the bar. I could really use that drink. Could you pour, doc? DR. MILO: It vill be my pleasure. [ANN puts the gun down on the table and everyone goes to the bar. While they're waiting, THORNE pulls out a pack of cigarettes and starts to light one. He sees everyone staring at him.] THORNE: Oh. Does anybody mind if I smoke? DR. MILO: Did you bring enough for everybody? [THORNE laboriously counts his cigarettes, then counts the people in the room.] THORNE: Yes. DR. MILO: Then it is all vight. [THORNE lights his cigarette and then gives one to everybody else.] THORNE: Wait. What about Dr. Baines? DR. MILO: He doesn't smoke...cigarettes. [DR. MILO starts to hand THORNE his drink when the power fails and there is a blackout. We hear the glass shatter when it hits the floor.] THORNE: Damnit, that was my drink! ANN: I'll light some candles. [After a moment, ANN lights a candle, which illuminates the room as much as it had been before the electricity went out. Everyone else is where they were, but JERRY is on the floor, licking up THORNE's spilled drink.] THORNE: Hey, you! Don't you ever get tired of the sauce? JERRY: [looking up] Does a bee ever get tired of buzzing? THORNE: You know, that's a good question. [BAINES re-enters from stage right, in an agitated state. He goes straight to the others at the bar.] DR. MILO: Dr. Baines, vot is it? BAINES: Doctor, it's terrible! DR. MILO: Let me guess. During the blackout the remaining killer shrews got out of their cages and are now roaming free in this house? And furthermore, their saliva has a high poison content vich vill kill anybody they bite within thirty seconds? BAINES: Yes, but that's not what I came in here about. DR. MILO: Oh, no? Vot vas it, then? BAINES: Doctor, I fear that I'm about to die and I've only been a minor character in this play at best. DR. MILO: Oh, vy vould you say that? [There is knock at the stage right door.] ANN: I'll get it. [She opens the door and a dog with a killer shrew costume enters. ANN screams. The dog -- which will have to be well-trained -- runs over to BAINES, bites him in the leg, and runs out again. While everyone scrambles -- DR. MILO to close the door, THORNE to comfort ANN, and JERRY to pour himself another drink -- BAINES staggers to the typewriter, sitting heavily on the bench this time.] THORNE: Ann, it's okay. It's gone now. DR. MILO: Dr. Baines, are you all vight? BAINES: He just ripped my trousers, that's all. [He starts typing furiously.] DR. MILO: Vot a shame. Those vere really nice trousers. Wouldn't you say they vere nice trousers, Jerry? JERRY: [hoisting his drink] They were the best! DR. MILO: [turning to THORNE and ANN] How is Ann? ANN: I'm all vight, father. Could you get me a drink? DR. MILO: But of course. [As he starts to head back to the bar, BAINES slumps over, dead. DR. MILO goes to the typewriter and takes out the sheet of paper.] THORNE: What is it? DR. MILO: He wrote a new ending for this play, vight up to the moment of his death. [THORNE grabs the page from him.] THORNE: A new ending? How does it go? [Suddenly, BAINES springs to life as both doors open and dogs in killer shrew outfits start pouring in. Everyone cowers in fear but BAINES, who produces two pistols, which he fires one after the other. Once they're empty he grabs the gun off the table and kills off the remaining shrews. When the dust settles, he tucks the guns into his belt, whips off his glasses and strikes a heroic pose. ANN runs to his side.] ANN: Oh, Radford! You know I've always loved you! Let's leave this godforsaken island and start a new life -- together! BAINES: Ann, all you had to do was ask. [So saying, he sweeps her off her feet and carries her out the stage right door. Romantic music plays, then cuts out as soon as they're gone. After a moment, the other three characters come out of their hiding places and survey the carnage. THORNE consults the page in his hand.] THORNE: I don't think I like this new ending. [He crumples the page and tosses it over his shoulder.] THORNE: Oh, well. Drinks, anyone? [JERRY is already pouring himself one.] JERRY: I'm way ahead of you! [Everyone laughs for a few seconds and they freeze. The audience applauds. The actors stay frozen. Eventually the audience gets bored and leaves. Later on the three actors die of starvation -- except for the actor playing JERRY, who dies of alcohol poisoning. There is no blackout.] T H E E N D ===================================================================== THE MOST RECENT ADDITION TO THE MST3K ONE-ACT PLAY PROJECT ===================================================================== [521] Santa, the Claus of Fate Yes, you can read this and plenty of other one-act plays at http://home.earthlink.net/~cjclark/mstplays.htm