===================================================================== A TACK OF THE GIANT LEECHES ===================================================================== a one-act play by Craig J. Clark (cjclark@earthlink.net) ===================================================================== based on the movie "Attack of the Giant Leeches" ===================================================================== [Lights up on a dingy, ill-lit underwater cavern. There is a blue tarp covering the orchestra pit, representing the entrance to the cavern. LIZ WALKER and CAL MOULTON -- the two illicit lovers from the movie -- are lying on the floor of the cavern, which is soaking wet (as are they). Every once in a while they sway from side to side, but that is the extent of their movement. After repeated leechings, they simply don't have the energy to do anything more. In fact, for a while it seems like they don't even have the energy to speak, but then:] CAL: Well, this is strange. LIZ: [deadpan] Yes, you've said. CAL: If anyone ever told me that I would be forced into a swamp at gunpoint by my lover's jealous husband and then dragged under by giant leeches and deposited in an underwater cavern where my blood would be systemically drained out of me by said creatures, who leave me with enough blood to stay alive, but not enough to have the energy to escape, I would have called them crazy. LIZ: I know you would have because you've already said so -- several times. CAL: I'm just saying it's strange. LIZ: And you're right. Now stop talking about it. [There is a long pause while neither of them speak. CAL tries swaying back and forth to get enough momentum to move toward the orchestra pit and freedom, but he can't move more than a couple of inches.] CAL: See? I don't even have the energy to move more than a couple of inches. LIZ: Yes, I *know*. CAL: Hey, I'm just saying. LIZ: And you can stop saying anytime you want to. Seriously. CAL: But-- LIZ: Shut up. CAL: But-- LIZ: Shut up. CAL: But-- LIZ: SHUT UP! [Pause.] CAL: You don't have to yell. [A pause. They hear sloshing from offstage.] CAL: Oh, great. Now you've got their attention again. LIZ: Anything to shut you up. [TWO GIANT LEECHES -- actually men in trash bags with giant suckers attached to them -- lumber onstage. Each takes one of the captives and attaches itself to their neck. Once they've had their fill, they both lumber off again. LIZ and CAL don't move for some time as they recover, but then:] CAL: Well, that sucked. LIZ: Goddamnit, do you have to say that *every* time they drink our blood? CAL: Hey, I've got to keep my sense of humor, otherwise this would get tedious really fast. LIZ: It already *is* tedious. CAL: That's what you say. LIZ: Yes, I do. [Pause.] CAL: You know, I'm sorry I ever let you seduce me. LIZ: ARRGH! [Blackout. In the darkness, we hear the sound of dripping water. When the lights come up again, we are in another part of the cavern, even though it looks remarkably similar to the other part of the cavern. Anyway, this is the area where the GIANT LEECHES hang out between attacks and drainings. There's a ratty old couch and a waterlogged recliner, but as the only creatures who use them are the LEECHES, they really don't mind. At the start of the scene, there are two LEECHES onstage. The one on the couch is named ARCHIE and the one in the recliner is named ROBIN.] ROBIN: Ahh, this is the life, is it not? ARCHIE: It certainly is. ROBIN: After we mutated and became the giant leeches we are today, who would have thought we would be able to find a large enough source of blood to sustain our existence, let alone such a swanky underwater cavern to keep our victims in while we systemically drain them of their precious bodily fluids? ARCHIE: I certainly never would have imagined it. ROBIN: And you were always the most forward-thinking of our pack, even before we were exposed to that atomic energy used in the launching of rockets at Cape Canaveral. ARCHIE: What can I say? My crystal ball failed me that time. ROBIN: It sure did. [Pause.] ROBIN: Say, are you thirsty? ARCHIE: Not right now. Maybe in a little bit. ROBIN: Okay. [Pause.] ARCHIE: Are *you* thirsty? ROBIN: I can wait. ARCHIE: Are you sure? Because if you're thirsty, then don't let me stop you just because-- ROBIN: I can wait. ARCHIE: All right. [Pause. From offstage, we hear LIZ's distant cry of "Shut up!" ROBIN looks at ARCHIE.] ARCHIE: Okay, *now* I'm thirsty. ROBIN: And you are speaking my language. [They both get up and lumber off. The stage remains empty for some time -- for as long they sucked the blood of LIZ and CAL in the previous scene, as a matter of fact. Then they return and retake their seats.] ROBIN: Ahh, I feel better now. ARCHIE: So do I. It wasn't exactly filling, though, was it? ROBIN: No, not entirely. ARCHIE: You think those two might be running low? ROBIN: They just might be. ARCHIE: Hey, let's go see if we can snag any more of those creatures topside. ROBIN: A capital idea. I've always said you were a forward thinker. ARCHIE: Yes, you have. [As they start to get up, we hear Liz's cry of "Arrgh!" Blackout. There is the sound of dripping water again. When the lights come back up, we are back in the first part of the cavern. It is mere moments after we left it.] CAL: Will you stop screaming? You're just going to bring them back again, and I don't know how many more bloodlettings I can take. LIZ: Good! AHH!!! CAL: Do you want me to die? LIZ: Yes, haven't you guessed that? WOO!!! CAL: What about you? What if they drain the rest of your blood, too? LIZ: Then I won't have to listen to your incessant yapping anymore. GRR!!! [There is the sound of sloshing offstage again.] CAL: Oh, great. They're coming back. I told you. LIZ: I don't care! [ARCHIE and ROBIN lumber into view. LIZ calls to them.] LIZ: Hey, you! Come over here! Finish us off! Or, if you don't want to, at least finish him off! Come on! Let's get this over with! [ARCHIE and ROBIN ignore her and go straight for the orchestra pit. One of the them lifts up the tarp so the other can slip down, and then follows him.] LIZ: Hey, where are you going? Come back here! Don't leave me here with this thickheaded lug! Please! [But they are gone. There is a long silence, which is finally broken by:] CAL: Well, that was strange. [Before LIZ can react, there is a blackout.] T H E E N D ===================================================================== THERE ARE NO RECENT ADDITIONS TO THE MST3K ONE-ACT PLAY PROJECT ===================================================================== But you can still read plenty of other one-act plays at http://home.earthlink.net/~cjclark/mstplays.htm