===================================================================== GLENN OR GLENDALE? OR: I CHANGED MY SIZE ===================================================================== a one-act play by Craig J. Clark (cjclark@earthlink.net) ===================================================================== based on the movie "The Amazing Colossal Man" ===================================================================== [Lights up on the council chambers of the town of Glendale, CA. This is indicated by the town's seal, which is on the wall behind a long table occupied by a half dozen serious-looking COUNCILMEN. All are in their 40s and 50s and are all male because this is 1957 we're talking about here. There is some uneasy murmuring in the room, occasionally punctuated by the sound of booming footsteps off in the distance.] [At last DA MAYOR appears, flustered and his clothes in a state. He takes the seat at the center of the table.] DA MAYOR: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Sorry to keep you all waiting, but I was unexpectedly delayed by... Well, we'll get to that in a moment. Shall we open the meeting? COUNCILMAN #1: Yes, let's. DA MAYOR: Thank you, Roger. First let's have the minutes from last week's meeting-- [A DISGRUNTLED MAN, planted in the audience, stands up.] DISGRUNTLED: Who cares about last week? What about that giant man that's trampling the town flat this week? OTHER PLANTS: Yeah! DA MAYOR: Excuse me, sir. We will get to the problem of the giant in due course. First we must hear the minutes and accept them. Then we may move on to the rest of the agenda. Now, will you please take your seat? [The DISGRUNTLED MAN sits down, muttering to himself.] DA MAYOR: Thank you. Mr. Secretary, would you please read last week's minutes? SECRETARY: Thank you, Mr. Mayor. [The SECRETARY, who is seated at one of the far ends of the table, rises. He is about to start reading from a sheet of paper when the booming footsteps resume.] SECRETARY: Umm, actually, sir, I move that we accept the minutes without hearing them and proceed with the main agenda. DA MAYOR: But I thought you liked reading the minutes. SECRETARY: I do, but under the circumstances... [The booming footsteps cease again.] DA MAYOR: Oh, very well. Do I hear a second? COUNCILMAN #1: I second it. DA MAYOR: Thank you, Roger. All in favor? ALL: Aye. DA MAYOR: Motion carried. You may sit down. [The SECRETARY does.] DA MAYOR: Very well. First item on the agenda is the new drive-in movie theater that has opened outside of town-- [An OUTRAGED WOMAN, also a plant in the audience, stands up.] OUTRAGED: Wait a minute. What about the giant? DA MAYOR: Pardon me, madam? OUTRAGED: The giant man who's destroying homes and businesses inside /and/ outside of town. DA MAYOR: Does he have anything to do with the new drive-in movie theater? OUTRAGED: Umm, no. DA MAYOR: Because the new drive-in movie theater is what is first on the agenda, and until we discuss that I'm afraid we can't move on to any other business. [The OUTRAGED WOMAN sits, fuming.] DA MAYOR: Thank you. Now, from what I've been told, this drive-in theater is showing sordid fare that appeals to our teen-age residents but is entirely lacking in moral, social or cultural value. Can anyone substantiate this? [COUNCILMAN #2, who at 42 is the youngest one up there, rises. While he talks, the booming footsteps start up again. They are getting closer.] COUNCILMAN #2: Actually, I can. You see, the theater is just down the road from my house and I've had occasion to drive past it. I haven't gone inside, but I can't even begin to tell you some of the titles I've seen on the marquee out front. And the crowds of teenagers that line up every weekend to get in are overwhelming. There's no telling how much that place is corrupting them. [An INCENSED MAN stands up.] INCENSED: Hey, while we're talking about the corruption of our youth, what's to prevent them from being squashed to death by a giant man? COUNCILMAN #2: Excuse me, but I haven't yielded the floor. DA MAYOR: He's right. Sir, if you would please hold your remarks until we open up the discussion to the townspeople. [The INCENSED MAN sits, stewing. The booming footsteps stop again.] DA MAYOR: Thank you. You may continue, Stephen. COUNCILMAN #2: Actually, I was finished speaking. DA MAYOR: I see. Thank you, then. [COUNCILMAN #2 sits.] DA MAYOR: Now, as the drive-in theater is outside town limits, there really isn't anything we can do to it directly, but we can institute a weekend curfew for all youths under the age of 18. How does 8 o'clock sound? COUNCILMAN #3: That seems a little early. What about 9 o'clock? DA MAYOR: Wouldn't that give them time to see a whole picture? COUNCILMAN #3: Possibly, but it would still cut down on the number of teenagers going if they knew they had to leave before the second feature started. DA MAYOR: Good point, Martin. Do I hear a second for 9 o'clock? COUNCILMAN #1: I second it. DA MAYOR: Thank you, Roger. All in favor? ALL: Aye. DA MAYOR: Motion carried. 9 o'clock curfew for all residents under the age of 18 to begin immediately. [While DA MAYOR checks his agenda, the booming footsteps start up again. They continue to get closer.] DA MAYOR: Moving on, the second item on the agenda is the proposed changing of trash pick-up in the downtown area from Monday to Wednesday. I believe you were spearheading this initiative, weren't you, Douglas? [COUNCILMAN #4 rises and takes the cover off a chart with some graphs and figures on it.] COUNCILMAN #4: Yes, I am. Now, as we all know-- [An IMPATIENT OLD WOMAN stands up with the help of a cane.] IMPATIENT: This is preposterous! We have a giant man devastating our town and its surroundings and you're talking about trash pick-ups? DA MAYOR: Yes, we are. You see, the giant only showed up yesterday and the agenda had already been finalized by that time, so I'm afraid we're going to have to wait until we reach new business before we can discuss him. IMPATIENT: And how many items are on the agenda before that? DA MAYOR: That's a good question. [counts items on agenda] Umm... four... IMPATIENT: Well, all right-- [DA MAYOR flips the page over and counts the items on the back. The booming footsteps are getting very close.] DA MAYOR: ...teen. There are fourteen. IMPATIENT: Oh, for heaven's sake! Why won't you do something about the giant before it's too late? OTHER PLANTS: Yeah! DA MAYOR: My dear lady, I am as anxious to discuss the giant as you, but we must stick to the agenda. [The DISGRUNTLED MAN stands up again.] DISGRUNTLED: What could be more important than our self-preservation? DA MAYOR: But you don't understand. Every single item on this agenda is about our town's self-preservation, from changing trash pick-up times to hiring an additional school crossing guard for the corner of Spruce and Sycamore to setting the date for this year's annual town picnic. [An APOPLECTIC MAN stands up.] APOPLECTIC: But what about my farm? The giant has devoured all of my cattle and emptied an entire silo of grain! [The OUTRAGED WOMAN stands up.] OUTRAGED: And he stepped on my house! [The INCENSED MAN stands up.] INCENSED: And he urinated in my well! [DA MAYOR rises. As he speaks, the footsteps get so close that he has to shout to be heard.] DA MAYOR: Please, please, people! Let's have some order! Now, we've all had run-ins with this giant! In fact, I myself had to abandon my car several blocks away when it landed in a crater made by one of his footprints! It was pure carelessness on my part and it did mean I had to walk the rest of the way here, which is why I was late, incidentally, but I'm still willing to stick to proper parliamentary procedure! [A BEARDED GENTLEMAN stands up in the audience. He is reasonable and soft-spoken, which makes it practically impossible to hear him over the deafening footsteps.] BEARDED: Begging your pardon, Mr. Mayor, but I don't think this problem is going to go away simply by pushing it further down on your agenda. [He takes the stage.] DA MAYOR: What did you say? BEARDED: It should interest you to know that I have had occasion to speak to this giant who has come to our little town and I can tell you some things about him. DA MAYOR: Could you speak up, please? BEARDED: For one thing, his name is Lt. Colonel Glenn Manning, and he had grown to colossal size thanks to radiation from an atomic blast. Second-- [At that moment, part of the roof falls in and a giant foot descends into the chambers, crushing the BEARDED GENTLEMAN flat. Then, just as quickly as it came, the foot leaves and the booming footsteps start to recede. DA MAYOR and COUNCILMEN, who all dove under the table, slowly come out from under it. DA MAYOR dusts himself off, looks down at the broken body of the BEARDED GENTLEMAN and then up at the hole in the ceiling.] DA MAYOR: Oh, my. I know this is out of turn, gentlemen, but would somebody like to move that we fix that hole in the roof as soon as possible? COUNCILMAN #5: So moved. DA MAYOR: Thank you, Arnold. Do I hear a second? COUNCILMAN #1: I second it. DA MAYOR: All in favor? ALL: Aye. DA MAYOR: Fine. [Everyone gets settled back in their seats.] DA MAYOR: Now, getting back to what you were saying about the trash, Douglas. [COUNCILMAN #4 rises again and wipes the dust off his chart.] COUNCILMAN #4: Ah, yes. Now trash pick-up has been on Mondays for as long as anybody can remember, but I took the liberty of conducting an informal survey and here's what I found... [Lights slowly fade to black as the sound of footsteps fades into the distance.] T H E E N D You can read this and oh, so many more one-act plays at http://home.earthlink.net/~cjclark/mstplays.htm