===================================================================== WHAT'S EATING GILBERT THIS TIME OF THE GRAPES? ===================================================================== a one-act play by Craig J. Clark (cjclark@earthlink.net) ===================================================================== based on the movie "Time of the Apes" ===================================================================== [Lights up on a cryogenics laboratory. There are large computers and consoles with buttons and flashing lights. They are staffed by large RAISINS and PRUNES with purple arms and legs. Think Fruit of the Loom commercial and you'll be on the right track. The upstage door opens and onto the stage walks a PRUNE wearing glasses. He is giving a tour to two child-sized RAISINS and a young woman-sized RAISIN. They are, of course, JOHNNY, his friend CAROLINE and their chaperone CATHERINE.] JOHNNY: Wow, is this really the inside of a cryogenics laboratory? PRUNE: That's right, Johnny. This is where we cryogenically freeze grapes and plums and other lower forms of fruit, and then unfreeze them again for no discernable reason. JOHNNY: Neat! CAROLINE: But if there's no reason to do it, why do you do it? CATHERINE: [sternly] Caroline, you shouldn't ask questions like that, especially not of your elders. CAROLINE: Sorry. PRUNE: No, that's quite all right. I don't mind answering. You see, Caroline, we do this because, well, we can do it. That's how science works. CAROLINE: I see. JOHNNY: Uncle, uncle! Can I see the inside of one of your cryogenic tubes? PRUNE: I don't see why not. CATHERINE: But isn't it a little dangerous? JOHNNY: I don't care! PRUNE: We know, Johnny. [to CATHERINE] Dangerous? CATHERINE: Yes, what if there's an earthquake that causes a volcanic explosion nearby and we get trapped inside the tubes and then get flung far into the future to a time when the world is ruled by militant, foppish grapes? PRUNE: That seems a little far-fetched, Catherine. Besides, the tubes are right over here. [He leads them over to three tubes at the side of the stage. He presses a few buttons on a console next to the tubes and the doors open up.] PRUNE: There, see? Nothing to worry about. [At that precise moment, there is the sound of a volcanic explosion and JOHNNY, CAROLINE and CATHERINE are knocked into the three tubes by the blast. The other PRUNES and RAISINS also get knocked around, flailing across the stage and back again as the lights flash on and off erratically. One of the RAISINS hits the console next to the tubes, causing the doors to close and be sealed.] PRUNE: Run, everybody, run! We've got to get out of here before the lava reaches the lab! [One of the other RAISINS manages to get to the door and open it. The lava flow is right outside. Smoke pours in.] RAISIN: Too late! We're doomed, doomed, doomed! [This last word echoes over the speakers as the lights dim to black.] [When the lights come back up again, the smoke is just dissipating. The tubes are now in the middle of a wasteland. One of the tubes is forcibly opened from the inside and out steps a shaken but unharmed CATHERINE. She goes to one of the other tubes and opens it, pulling out a woozy CAROLINE.] CAROLINE: Catherine, what happened? Where are we? CATHERINE: I don't know, but it seemed like I was in that tube for an eternity. [She goes to the third tube and tries to open it, but it doesn't budge. She knocks on the door.] CATHERINE: Johnny, can you hear me? Johnny? [With no immediate response, she knocks harder.] CATHERINE: Johnny! Johnny, are you in there? JOHNNY'S VOICE: Yes, I'm in here! Geez, will you stop that knocking? It's giving me a headache. CATHERINE: I'm sorry. Johnny, I can't get the door open. JOHNNY'S VOICE: I don't care! CATHERINE: Johnny, help me by pushing from the inside while I pull. JOHNNY'S VOICE: [letting out a deep sigh] Oh, all right. [CATHERINE strains herself, but it's no use. While she's occupied, a cadre of green GRAPES with uniformed arms and legs enter and surround her and CAROLINE. CAROLINE notices them and tries tugging on CATHERINE's sleeve.] CAROLINE: Catherine? CATHERINE: Not now, Caroline. I'm trying to get Johnny out of his tube. [A PLUM joins the ranks of the GRAPES. He is dressed like an officer, if you can imagine that. He walks right up behind CATHERINE.] CAROLINE: But Catherine-- CATHERINE: I said not now, Caroline. Johnny, can't you push harder? [The PLUM taps CATHERINE on the shoulder.] PLUM: Excuse me. May I be of some assistance? CATHERINE: Why, yes. Thank you. [CATHERINE stands aside and the PLUM takes hold of the door handle.] CATHERINE: Oh, my goodness! [She grabs CAROLINE and holds her close as the PLUM sneers.] PLUM: Your goodness is right, sweetie. [The PLUM gives a yank and pulls the door right off its hinges. JOHNNY steps out, gazing about in wonder.] JOHNNY: Wow. A planet where grapes evolved from raisins? [The PLUM throws the door down and is about to take a swipe at him when suddenly a great howling moan is heard echoing through the wasteland. It sends the GRAPES and the PLUM fleeing in terror. JOHNNY and the others stay put, but CAROLINE holds CATHERINE tight.] CAROLINE: Catherine, I'm scared! Aren't you scared, Johnny? JOHNNY: I don't care. CATHERINE: I'm sure it will be all right, Caroline. OFFSTAGE VOICE: Of course it will be all right! [The others look off as GODO -- an adult, male raisin -- strides purposefully onstage.] CATHERINE: Was it you who made that strange noise? GODO: Yes, it was. My name is Godo. And you are? [CAROLINE disengages from CATHERINE and runs up to GODO, followed by JOHNNY.] CAROLINE: I'm Caroline. JOHNNY: And my name is Johnny! GODO: That's fine, but I was asking the lady. [He leers at CATHERINE, who blushes.] CATHERINE: My name is Catherine. I'm very pleased to meet you, Godo. [GODO takes her hand and kisses it.] GODO: And I you. CATHERINE: This is such a strange place. GODO: It sure is. CATHERINE: Who were those people? GODO: They are the rulers of this planet. The grapes and the plums have been running things for as long as I can remember. Since my parents died, I thought I was the last raisin left, but then I saw you. [He looks deeply into CATHERINE's eyes.] CAROLINE: Do you think they will come back? [GODO thinks fast and then squats down to CAROLINE and JOHNNY's level, speaking to them conspiratorially.] GODO: Yes. The grapes are easily startled, but they will soon be back. And in greater numbers. For that reason, we had better split up. [points offstage] Quick, the two of you, walk in that direction until you find a tree. When you get there, wait for us by it. CAROLINE: Where will you and Catherine go? GODO: We'll make our own way. CAROLINE: How long will you be? GODO: Not long. Now, go. CAROLINE: But-- GODO: [as if he hears something] Quickly. They're on the move. [He hustles CAROLINE and JOHNNY offstage.] CAROLINE: I don't know if I really want to go. Do you want to go, Johnny? JOHNNY: I don't care! [They are gone. After a moment, GODO returns to CATHERINE's side.] GODO: All right, that got rid of them. CATHERINE: Yes, now they will be safe. GODO: Yes, that's right. Safe. CATHERINE: So where are we going? [GODO takes her by the hand and leads her over to one of the open tubes.] GODO: Oh, not far. [He whispers something in her ear and steps into the tube, pulling CATHERINE in after him and closing the door. After a second, we hear CATHERINE giggling. Blackout.] [Lights up on a country road. There is a tree. It is evening. JOHNNY is sitting on a low mound, trying to take off his shoe. He pulls at it with both hands, panting. He gives up, exhausted, rests, and tries again. CAROLINE enters, also exhausted.] JOHNNY: [giving up again] I don't care... CAROLINE: [advancing with short, stiff strides, legs wide apart] I'm beginning to come round to the opinion. There's no sign of them. I looked everywhere. Well, not really *everywhere*. It would be impossible for me to look *everywhere*. And if I had, I surely would have found them. JOHNNY: Then let's go. CAROLINE: We can't. JOHNNY: Why not? CAROLINE: We're waiting for Godo and Catherine. JOHNNY: [despairingly] Ah! [Pause.] You sure it's here? CAROLINE: What? JOHNNY: That we were to wait. CAROLINE: He said by the tree. [They look at the tree.] You don't suppose we somehow went off course and they're waiting for us at another tree, do you? JOHNNY: I don't care. CAROLINE: Oh, but Johnny, you must care. If they don't find us, we may never get home again. JOHNNY: I don't care. CAROLINE: Johnny, how can you say that? JOHNNY: Easily. [stands up and shouts] I don't care! I don't care! I don't care! I don't care! I don't care! [The last one hangs in the air for a long time. Eventually, JOHNNY sits back down again.] JOHNNY: It's all over. [CAROLINE comes over and sits down next to him.] CAROLINE: You don't think they're coming, do you? Then that means we have to find them. Maybe they were captured. If they were captured, then they need us to figure out a way of rescuing them. Yes, that's probably what happened. They were captured and we need to rescue them. [JOHNNY gives this a great deal of thought.] JOHNNY: Okay. CATHERINE: I thought you didn't care. JOHNNY: Shut up. VOICE: [off] Mister! [CAROLINE and JOHNNY both look toward the VOICE. They both rise together.] JOHNNY: Off we go again. CAROLINE: Approach, little grape. [Enter PEPE -- a tiny, white grape -- timidly. He halts.] PEPE: Mister Johnny...? JOHNNY: That's me. PEPE: Mistress Catherine...? CAROLINE: Yes. JOHNNY: What do you want? CAROLINE: Approach! [PEPE advances timidly, halts.] CAROLINE: What is it? PEPE: Mr. Godo... CAROLINE: Obviously... [Pause.] You have a message from Mr. Godo? PEPE: Yes Ma'am. CAROLINE: Well, what is it? [Silence.] Words, words. [Pause.] Speak. PEPE: [in a rush] Mr. Godo told me to tell you he wouldn't be coming right away but surely very soon. [Silence.] CAROLINE: Is that all? PEPE: Yes Ma'am. CAROLINE: He didn't say anything about Catherine? PEPE: No Ma'am. CAROLINE: And when did he tell you this? PEPE: I don't remember. [Silence.] CAROLINE: All right, you may go. [PEPE steps back, hesitates, turns and exits running.] CAROLINE: Wait, if you see Godo and Catherine, tell them... [she hesitates] ...tell them you saw us. [CAROLINE sits back down on the mound, heavily.] JOHNNY: So they're not coming right away. CAROLINE: No. JOHNNY: And you're fairly certain they've been captured. CAROLINE: Yes. [Silence.] JOHNNY: Well, shall we go? CATHERINE: Yes, let's go. [They do not move. Blackout.] [Lights up on a large sand dune. We hear the voices of CATHERINE and GODO from one of the wings.] CATHERINE: Oh, this is a great. What a wonderful idea, Godo. Get inside one of the cryogenic tubes and have a quickie while you send the children away. Thanks a lot. GODO: Hey, I'm sorry. When a raisin goes without female company for as long as I have...well, I couldn't control myself. [The two of them enter and laboriously climb the dune.] CATHERINE: And now what? Now where are we? Have we lost Johnny and Caroline forever? GODO: [sotto voce] Would that be such a bad thing? CATHERINE: What did you say? GODO: Nothing, nothing. CATHERINE: And how are we going to get home? I mean, to our respective homes -- yours and mine. Wait, I didn't mean that we would have a home together. I meant-- GODO: I know what you meant. I think the tube is just over this dune. CATHERINE: You said that two dunes ago. GODO: Let's just see, shall we? [They make it to the top of the dune.] CATHERINE: There, see? No tube. You really have a lousy direction sense. Heck, I'll bet you even sent Johnny and Caroline to the wrong tree. At least when that weird little grape knocked on the door, you sent her with a message for them. Wait, of course. You know what? I'll bet she pushed some buttons on the outside of the tube and that's why we're in this mess! That, and your unchecked libido! GODO: Listen, can we talk about this later? [He starts down the other side of the dune. CATHERINE follows.] CATHERINE: Later? Pretty soon we're both going to die of exposure, so there'll be no later. In that case, I want to harangue you good and plenty before I collapse into a heap. GODO: [sotto voice] At which point I'll finish you off and devour your remains to keep myself alive. CATHERINE: What was that? GODO: Nothing, nothing. Geez. [He exits. CATHERINE holds back for a second, then follows him out. Almost immediately, a small flying saucer is lowered into view. It hovers for a few seconds, doing nothing of any consequence or importance, and then follows CATHERINE and GODO out. Blackout.] [Lights up on a pile of gravel. We seem to be at the foot of some large monument carved in the face of a mountain. (What could it be, I imagine?) After a few tranquil seconds, a much larger version of the flying saucer in the last scene is dropped from the rafters. It lands with a thud on the pile of gravel. After the dust clears, a door opens and JOHNNY and CAROLINE -- unharmed but shaken -- stumble out. At no time do they look back at the monument behind them.] CAROLINE: Johnny, that is about the worst crash landing I have ever seen! You could have gotten us killed! JOHNNY: I don't care! CAROLINE: Yes, thank you. I know. Well, at least we're home again. You know, it's a good thing this flying saucer came along and picked us up and was able to breach the space-time continuum in order to bring us back to our own time and place. [looks around] Well, our own time, at any rate. I just wish Catherine and Godo were here. It's a shame we never found them in that awful desert. JOHNNY: Oh, I found them all right. CAROLINE: When? JOHNNY: Soon after you gave me control of the ship. I found them while you were in the bathroom. Unfortunately, when I tried to pick them up, I landed right on top of them. [starts to crawl under the saucer] You know, I'll bet there are still some bits of them under here-- CAROLINE: Johnny, no! It's so disrespectful. And, don't tell me. You don't care. JOHNNY: That's right! [CAROLINE turns around to stop him, but then finds herself confronted with the monument. She stares up at it, dumbfounded. Meanwhile, while JOHNNY is busy rooting around underneath the saucer, there is the sound of a great many police cars, sirens blaring, pulling up. A whole mess of GRAPES and PLUMS dressed in police uniforms storm the stage, guns at the ready, and surround CAROLINE, who takes no notice, still mesmerized by the monument. JOHNNY crawls out from under the saucer with a clump of something in his hand.] JOHNNY: Hey, Caroline! I found some of Catherine's...hair. [He freezes when he sees all the grapes and plums pointing guns at them. He sidles over to CAROLINE and tugs on her sleeve.] JOHNNY: Umm, Caroline? CAROLINE: [pointing] Johnny, isn't that Mount Rushmore? JOHNNY: Caroline, I think we have company. CAROLINE: [as she starts to turn around] It's just that all the faces are plums and-- [She sees that they're surrounded.] Oh. [Blackout.] T H E E N D ===================================================================== RECENT ADDITIONS TO THE MST3K ONE-ACT PLAY PROJECT ===================================================================== [107] Ro-man Holiday [301] I Know Why the Cave Dweller Sings [303] Extraordinary Pod People [320] Unearthly Retirement [422] The Year My Earth Froze [506] Fly Like an Eegah! [507] Who Wants to Accuse My Parents? [515] Oh, Bat-type Lady, It's a Wild World [517] Today is the Beginning of the End of the Rest of Your Life [609] Never Mind the Bollocks, Here's the Skydivers [619] Cuba-palooza [621] Backstory: The Beast of Yucca Flats You can read these one-act plays and more at http://home.earthlink.net/~cjclark/mstplays.htm