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                 I KNOW WHY THE CAVE DWELLER SINGS
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       a one act play by Joe Blevins (joeblev@concentric.net)
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              based on the movie "Cave Dwellers"
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[Lights up.  Curtain rises.  The set is the secluded mountain lair of
ATOR the mighty Blade Master, sort of a life-size He-Man action figure.
(And his arms really work!)  He's in the middle of sword fighting
practice with his inscrutible Asian sidekick, THONG, who has one of
those droopy Fu Manchu mustaches and wears a long black robe.  Thong
seems half-hearted.]

ATOR: Come on, Thong!  Really come at me this time!  Show me no mercy!

[Thong swings his sword diectly at Ator's head.  Ator ducks out of the
way.]

ATOR: [chuckling neverously] Oooh, good one.  Almost got me there!

[Thong fights with ferocious intensity.  It's all Ator can do to defend
himself.]

THONG: Like this, Ator?  Is this what you mean?
ATOR: [panting] Yeah.  Just like that.  Good work.

[Thong has Ator backed against the wall now.  He raises his sword in
the air, as if about to deliver the coup de gras.  Thong maintains this
pose throughout the following conversation.]

ATOR: [feigning calm]  Allllllrighty.  Enough sword practice for today,
      loyal Thong.  We mustn't tire ourselves out.
THONG: I'm not tired.
ATOR: Oh, come now, Thong.  We've been practicing for hours.
THONG: No, really.  I'm fine.
ATOR: Uh... say, we haven't had lunch yet.
THONG: Yes we did.  We had that leftover mac and cheese.
ATOR: Well, uh...  [nervous laughter]  You can't really call that a
      meal.
THONG: We had those kettle chips, too.  I'm full.
ATOR: Well, I'm still a little hungry.
THONG: C'mon, Ator, you're supposed to be on diet.  You're already
       getting a little doughy in the middle.
ATOR: [desperate] Thong, the fish is ready.

[Thong shakes his head.  No dice.]

THONG: Uh-uh.  I'm not falling for that old line, Ator.
ATOR: Look.  What is it going to take for you to stop this ridiculous
      display and let me go?
THONG: Well, a few things are going to have to change around here,
       Ator.  First of all, I want you to stop calling me "Thong."
ATOR: But that's your name!
THONG: You know damned well my name is Keith.  I only let you call me
       Thong because I thought it sounded cool.  Then somebody told
       me what a thong was.
ATOR: Oh, all right.
THONG: All right, WHAT?
ATOR: All right... Keith.
THONG: That's better.  Second, I want more time off to spend with
       Helen and the kids.  And no more "fighting evil wherever it may
       arise" on weekends, either!  Little Joshie's in Cub Scouts now,
       and he hardly ever sees me.
ATOR: [sullenly] Oh, okay.  Anything else, Keith?
THONG: Yes.  One more simple task, and I'll let you go.

[Dramatic pause.]

ATOR: Well, what is it?  
THONG: Ator... the Blade Master... the Mighty Warrior Eagle...
       I want you sing "On the Good Ship Lollipop."
ATOR: No way!
THONG: [waving the sword menacingly] Sing it, Conan!

[Ator lets out a heavy sigh.]

ATOR: [sings] "On the good ship..."  [breaks off]  I can't do this,
      Tho... I mean, Keith.  What if somebody sees me?
THONG: We're all alone, Ator.  Now SING!
ATOR: [flat monotone] "On the good ship..."
THONG: Like you mean it, pretty boy!
ATOR: [enthusiastic] On the good ship Lollipop
                     It's a sweet trip to a candy shop
THONG: Now DANCE, Blade Master, DANCE!  Move those feet!

[Ator goes into humiliating Shirley Temple dance routine.]

[Lights fade.  Curtain falls.]

                        [THE END]