===================================================================== HELLCAT IN A NICE AIR-CONDITIONED STORE ===================================================================== a one-act play by Joe Blevins (joeblev@concentric.net) ===================================================================== based on the movie "The Hellcats" ===================================================================== [The stage is darkened. We hear the sound of a motorcycle revving. Then upbeat rock music begins. We hear a male SINGER singing the beloved "Hellcats" theme song.] SINGER: Hellcats... see 'em ridin' down the street! Hellcats... scowl at everyone they meet! Hellcats... don't play by the rules! So, back off, fools! [Music fades out.] [Lights up. Curtain rises. The setting is the meat department in a grocery store, right near your grocer's freezer. There is a large sign on the wall with a picture of a cartoon cow. The sign reads: "Thank you for shopping VAL-U-COW: The savings will MOOOOOOOVE you!"] [Music fades back in.] SINGER: Hellcats... and just where are they now? Hellcats... yes, they work at Val-U-Cow! [Music fades out.] [At center stage is man's man MONTE CHAPMAN, the tough-talking, craggy hombre who went undercover as a biker to avenge his brother's death. Presently, Monte is sitting behind a small table trying to interest shoppers in trying a free sample of sausage. He has a plate of sausage chunks with toothpicks in them. He wears a white short-sleeve shirt, red vest, black pants, black shoes, black bowtie, and a nametag. He still has that deep, flinty voice we grew to love.] [Various SHOPPERS walk by, pushing shopping carts. One customer, a MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN in a floral-print housedress, rolls right by his table.] CHAPMAN: Care to try a sample of Farmer Gary's Old Fashioned Low-Fat Cajun Turkey Sausage? MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN: Oh. No, thanks. I thought these were samples of breakfast burritos. [She waddles past him and exits. Another customer walks by, an ANEMIC- LOOKING MAN.] CHAPMAN: Care to try a sample of Farmer Gary's Old Fashioned Low-Fat Cajun Turkey Sausage? They're on special this week. ANEMIC MAN: Sorry, no. Spicy food burns my gut. CHAPMAN: I know how you feel. [The anemic man exits.] [Another customer enters. It's pretty blonde LINDA MARTIN, the woman who went undercover with Monte. She is absentmindedly looking through the frozen vegetables when suddenly she recognizes Monte.] LINDA: Monte? Monte Chapman? Is that you? CHAPMAN: Linda? LINDA: It _is_ you! What a coincidence! [She walks over to Monte's table. He stands up, and they hug.] LINDA: It's good to see you! I haven't seen you since we infiltrated that biker gang together to investigate your brother's death! CHAPMAN: Yeah, long time, no see, huh? LINDA: So are you working here or....? CHAPMAN: [self-conscious] Oh. Uh, yeah. It's just temporary. LINDA: But I thought you became a biker. CHAPMAN: I did. For a while. Then, I dunno... I just lost my enthusiasm for sleeping under highway overpasses and bathing at public rest stops. LINDA: What happened to your bike? CHAPMAN: I sold it. [pause] I still ride a Vespa to work sometimes. Weather permitting. Lots of us Hellcats wound up working here at Val-U-Cow. LINDA: Oh, really? Who? CHAPMAN: Pigsty, Slopbucket, Candy Apple, Ted, Viper... LINDA: All of them? CHAPMAN: Mmm-hmmm. [We hear a voice over the store's intercom.] INTERCOM: Someone spilled a jar of Miracle Whip in Aisle Nine. Road Apple, Deathwish... could you take care of it? [Two fearsome looking BIKERS walk across the stage, carrying mops and buckets.] BIKER #1: Hey, Monte. CHAPMAN: Hey, Road Apple. Hey, Deathwish. BIKER #2: Hey, Monte. [They exit.] ["Hellcats" theme music fades back in.] SINGER: Hellcats... they haven't got a spine! Hellcats... now they're cleaning Aisle Nine! [Music fades out.] CHAPMAN: Damned Muzak. So, Linda, what's new with you? LINDA: Well, uh, after my experience in the biker gang, I decided that I wanted to spend the rest of my life around hygenic people. So I'm taking business classes at DeVry. CHAPMAN: That's great, Linda. So... you wanna try a sample of Farmer Gary's Old-Fashioned Low Fat Cajun Turkey Sausage? LINDA: Sure. [She picks up a sausage sample and tastes it.] CHAPMAN: What do you think? LINDA: Mmmm. Sure is chewy. CHAPMAM: Yep. Sure is. [Pause.] LINDA: Damn it, Monte, what happened to you? CHAPMAN: What do you mean? LINDA: You used to be such a rebel. Now you're selling low-fat turkey sasuage at Val-U-Cow. It's sad. CHAPMAN: I'm still a rebel. LINDA: Oh, really? CHAPMAN: Really. Here, I'll prove it to you. [He stands up, picks up the plate of sausage samples, and dumps them to the floor.] CHAPMAN: See? I'm still as rebellious as ever. [MR. DOTRUM, a short, balding man with glasses, enters. He is dressed just like Chapman and talks a bit like Droopy.] DOTRUM: I saw that, Chapman. Clean out your locker. You're fired. CHAPMAN: [meek] Yes, Mr. Dotrum. [Chapman exits, dejected.] LINDA: Oh, Monte. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to... DOTRUM: Deertick! Fill in for Chapman! [Another ratty looking biker, DEERTICK, enters.] DEERTICK: Yes, sir, Mr. Dotrum! [He takes a seat behind the table.] DEERTICK: [to Linda] Care to try a sample of Farmer Gary's Old Fashioned Low Fat Cajun Turkey Sasuage? [Lights dim. Curtain falls.] [Music fades back in.] SINGER: Hellcats... their tale is at an end. Hellcats... it's been quite a day, my friend. Hellcats... da da da da! Don't mess around! [spoken] Okay, is that it? Good, 'cause I've gotta record A Chili's jingle in half an hour. [Music fades out.] [THE END]