===================================================================== THAT DARN CATALINA CAPER (Or: "Never Say Never Steal Anything Wet Again") ===================================================================== a one-act play by Joe Blevins (joeblev@concentric.net) ===================================================================== based on the movie "Catalina Caper" ===================================================================== [Curtain rises to reveal cozy wood-panelled ski lodge set with crackling fire and the heads of various animals stuffed and mounted on the wall. A group of TEENYBOPPERS are a-movin' and a-groovin' to a Muzak version of "Shotgun." Watching their gyrations, one is curiously reminded of Linda Blair in "The Exorcist." Oh, by the way, you should know that a lot of these people are wearing really dumb looking sweaters with reindeer and snowmen on them, and the vast majority of the dancers look like members of the local Aryan youth club. The mood is supposed to be festive, but it comes off as just creepy and sterile instead. Even though it's the late 1960s, these young people are clean-cut and well-scrubbed.] BOY: It sure is getting groovy and far out in here. GIRL: I think it's either the music or a problem with the ventilation. BOY: Whatever it is, I'm sure glad we made this scene. GIRL: Me, too. I'm even whiter and more bland than I was when I came in here! BOY: Keen! [Now, some of the characters we know from the movie begin to enter. First is CHARLIE, the pointy-headed blonde-haired lothario. He's got a beautiful ski bunny on each arm.] CHARLIE: So you see, girls, I was just tired after a long day of ski lessons, that's all. Nothing more to it! BUNNY #1: Groovy! CHARLIE: And one thing's for sure -- I'm definitely NOT trying to overcompensate for anything. Boy, am I attracted to women! [He kisses each of the ski bunnies.] BUNNY #2: That man we saw you with today must be your ski instructor. CHARLIE: Uh... exactly, baby. My, uh, ski instructor. [desperate to change the subject] Enough talking. Let's dance! BUNNIES: Far out! [Now, the JIM BAKKER/MARTIN MILNER LOOKALIKE and TOMMY KIRK enter, talking.] TOMMY: It sure was neat of your old man to open this swingin' ski lodge after he got out of the crime business. This is a great place for us WASPs to spend our carefree hours in youthful Caucasian abandon. BAKKER/MILNER: Yeah, but something tells me Dad's still up to his old tricks. TOMMY: Aw, don't be so suspicious. Let's join in on the wholesome fun! [Tommy Kirk and Jim Bakker join the throng of dancing teens. ARTHUR and his sidekick LAWRENCE enter. Arthur is the fey Mr. Howell-type guy (and the father of the Bakker/Milner lookalike), and Lawrence is his Alan Sherman-ish sidekick.] ARTHUR: So tell me, Lawrence, about that priceless necklace that you DIDN'T steal from from the museum. Where DIDN'T you hide it? LAWRENCE: Well, boss, I definitely DIDN'T hide it the candlestick holder on the fireplace mantle. [winks] Also, I definitely DIDN'T eat the last of your Little Debbie snack cakes. [Arthur lightly strikes Lawrence with his cap. Then they, too, join in on the dancing.] [Suddenly, one of the moose heads on the wall disappears. It seems to retract into the wall itself, leaving an empty hole. Then, someone sticks his head and arms through the hole. It's FINGERS O'TOOLE, the wacky, pratfalling spy/cop/secret agent/whatever. He has his face painted brown and is wearing fake felt antlers in a ridiculous attempt to disguise himself as a moose. That kooky Fingers! He holds a pair of binoculars to his face to get a better look at the fireplace mantle on the other side of the room. But he leans too far forward and -- KERSPLAT -- he falls from his perch onto the dance floor. The kids all laugh, and Fingers gets up, having injured only his pride.] FINGERS: I don't believe it! TOMMY KIRK: Looks like it's going to be one weird, wacky, whitebread winter here at the ski lodge. [Fingers shrugs and then decides to join in on the dancing with everyone else. Charlie runs to the front of the stage.] CHARLIE: Hey, gang! Let's all turn on to the swingin' sound of our Negro friend, Little Richard! [LITTLE RICHARD enters, holding a microphone and accompanied by a PICK-UP BAND of young Republicans. Music starts.] LITTLE RICHARD: [sings] OOOOOOOOH, MY SOUL! Hot cocoa! YAH! GIT IT! Dontcha know it drives me loco! OW! OW! OW! Hot cocoa! AWOPBOPALOOBOP! Dontcha know it drives me loco! BAMALAMALAMALOO! Say, all you gals and fellows Go gitcha some marshmallows OW! HOT STUFF! Have some cocoa with me! OH, MERCY! [Song ends. A SECURITY GUARD enters and escorts Little Richard off the stage.] TOMMY KIRK: That sure was plenty keen! SKI BUNNY: Negros certainly are entertaining, aren't they? CHARLIE: They sure are! And I wasn't the least bit turned on by him! ALL: Yayyyy!!!!! [The K-Mart "Shotgun" music starts up again, and the kids start doing their spastic dance moves.] CHARLIE: I hope these good times of ours never end! TOMMY: I bet they won't. Say, where are we going to have our next series of kooky adventures! CHARLIE: Well, according to a letter I got in the mail, I'm supposed to go to some place called Viet Nam pretty soon! The letter said that my friends and neighbors had selected ME to defend our nation overseas! Isn't that a gas? TOMMY: Wow! Whatta coink-y-dink! I got the same letter! CHARLIE: Swell! Maybe we'll wind up in the same platoon! TOMMY: I bet there's all sorts of groovy beaches there! CHARLIE: I sure hope so! BAKKER/MILNER LOOKALIKE: Hey, kids! Let's all do the Draft Notice Boogaloo! [The music switches to "The End" by the Doors. The kids do frantic go-go dance moves to the somber tune. Lights dim. Curtain falls.] [THE END, MY FRIEND]