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               I THINK WE'RE GETTING SIDEHACKED HERE
                   (or: Two Pages the Hard Way)
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       a one-act play by Joe Blevins (joeblev@concentric.net)
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                based on the movie "Sidehackers"
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[Lights up.  As the curtain rises, we cannot help but notice that there
is a HUGE BLACK SCREEN at the front of the stage with a small square
about the size of a toaster oven cut out in the middle.]

[We hear the sound of revving engines and squealing tires.  Through
the toaster oven cut-out, we can vaguely tell that there are people
moving at very great speed on motorcycles... probably.]

[This goes on for several minutes.]

[The black screen is pulled up by wires, revealing that we are now
in a garage.  ROMMEL, a manly, rough-hewn greasemonkey with a really
doofy hat, is adjusting something or other on a motorcycle.  LUKE,
Rommel's bland friend, is also working on a bike.]

LUKE: What a great job we have!
ROMMEL: It's a real honor to work on a machine like this.
LUKE: You said it, Rommel.
ROMMEL: Yeah, this is the life.  Fine machines.  Warm Lone Star.
        Good friends.  And seventeen hours of sidehacking a day.
        That's all I need in life.
LUKE: Plus a fiancée.
ROMMEL: Hey!  You've got a fiancée?  Since when?  I thought you were
        already married!
LUKE: Uh, I am married, Rommel.
ROMMEL: And you've got a fiancée, too?  What is this, Utah?
LUKE: Uh, no, Rommel.  YOU'RE the one with the fiancée.
ROMMEL: I am?  [A beat.]  Oh, right, I am.  I mean, SURE I AM.  I've
        got a fiancée.  And her name is Laura.
LUKE: Rita.
ROMMEL: Rita, right.  Just testing you.
LUKE: Uh, sure, Rommel.
ROMMEL: I mean, I'd never REALLY forget that I was engaged to be 
        married!  How could a guy forget a thing like that?

[Pause.]

LUKE: You're weird, Rommel.

[They go back to working on their bikes.]

LUKE: You almost done?
ROMMEL: Yeah, but I'm gonna go to the can.  Damned chili peppers
        again.  Cover for me, Luke.
LUKE: No problem, Rommel.

[Suddenly, there is a bright light from above.  We hear angelic
music.  A VISITOR enters -- a man, about 30, with long hair and
a beard, wearing a robe and sandals.]

VISITOR: Greetings, my child.
LUKE: Uh, hey there, Mister.  What can I do for you?
VISITOR: The day of reckoning is upon us.
LUKE: Uh-huh.  And you need your motorcycle fixed for this "day of
      reckoning," right?  Well, I think we should be able to help
      you.  Just bring it in here.
VISITOR: I don't think you understand.  I have come again in glory
         to judge the living and the dead, in fulfillment of the
         prophecies.
LUKE: Is that so?  Usually, we get most of our business through the
      Yellow Pages, plus some good word of mouth.
VISITOR: [getting impatient] This is the rapture.
LUKE: Right.  And this "rapture," is it a new motorcycle-related sport?
      'Cause we got this thing called sidehacking.  See, we attach a
      metal bar to the side of a motorcycle.  One guy rides on the
      bike, and the other hangs on to the bar to help balance it out on
      sharp turns.

[Pause.]

VISITOR: Look, is there someone else around here I could talk to
         maybe?
LUKE: Well, there's Rommel.  But he's in the john.
VISITOR: Could you get him please?  This is kind of important.
LUKE: Okay.  [calling]  HEY, ROMMEL!
ROMMEL'S VOICE: What is it?
LUKE: There's a guy here, says he wants to talk to you!
ROMMEL'S VOICE: What's his name?
LUKE: [to Visitor] I didn't catch your name.
VISITOR: Don't you recognize me?  The King of Kings?  The Son of Man?
         The Big J.C.?
LUKE: [to Rommel] He says it's J.C.!
ROMMEL'S VOICE: Tell him his bike won't be ready til Thursday.
LUKE: [to Visitor] He says your bike won't be ready...
VISITOR: Yeah, I heard what he said.  Look, I think I'm going to move
         on to the pawn shop next door.
LUKE: Suit yourself, Mister.

[The visitor exits, and again we hear choral music.  Offstage, a 
toilet flushes, and Rommel enters.]

LUKE: Hey, I'm glad you're back!  We sure do get some funny customers
      in this place.
ROMMEL: Yeah.  It comes with the territory.  Say, you got any of that
        room-temperature Lone Star left?
LUKE: Sorry, Rommel.  I just finished the last can.  But I do have
      some Hadacol stashed in my toolbox.
ROMMEL: Luke, this looks like the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
LUKE: But we've known each other for years, Rommel.
ROMMEL: Whatever.  Just pass me the Hadacol.

[Music fades in -- "As Time Goes By."  The lights slowly dim to black.
Curtain falls.]

                        [THE END]