===================================================================== RO-MAN HOLIDAY ===================================================================== a one-act play by Joe Blevins (joeblev@concentric.net) ===================================================================== based on the movie "Robot Monster" ===================================================================== [Lights up. Curtain rises. The scene is a cave in California's arid, craggy Bronson Canyon. Inside the cave is some ham radio equipment set up on a card table, a TV monitor, and a machine whose only purpose is to spew out bubbles.] [Enter RO-MAN, who is -- there's just no other way of putting it -- a guy in a gorilla suit and a diving helmet. Ro-Man hangs his head dejectedly and has a plodding, deliberate gait.] RO-MAN: Hoo-boy. Another depressing day. It is so lonely being a Ro-Man. How I wish I could live among the hu-mans. [Ro-Man turns a few dials and presses a few buttons on his radio equipment. Eric Carmen's "All By Myself" begins to blare from a small speaker. Ro-Man sighs. He picks up a small green box from underneath the table and plops down on a worn-out army cot.] RO-MAN: It looks like I'm going to spend another Saturday night lying on my cot and eating box after box of Snackwells. [Suddenly, static begins to appear on the video monitor. An image slowly forms. It is another alien, the GREAT GUIDANCE, who looks and talks exactly like Ro-Man, only a bit surlier.] GREAT GUIDANCE: Attention! Attention! This is your almighty leader, the Great Guidance, speaking! [Ro-Man shakes his head.] RO-MAN: [to himself] Sheesh. Not this guy again. GUIDANCE: What was that? I didn't hear you! RO-MAN: Nothing, Great Guidance, sir. GUIDANCE: I didn't think so! Now, Ro-Man, how is Project: Kill All the Hu-Mans going? RO-MAN: Very well, Great Guidance. We have successfully killed all but six of the hu-mans. GUIDANCE: Six? Tsk, tsk, tsk. You're getting sloppy, Ro-Man. And you've put on at least twenty pounds. What's happened to you? RO-MAN: I don't know, Great One. It's just that I've had a lot on my mind lately. GUIDANCE: What, exactly, is the source of your problems? Tell me, and then we can destroy it with our Calcinator Death Rays. RO-MAN: Well, sir, it isn't exactly the kind of thing you can just destroy with a Calcinator Death Ray. GUIDANCE: I don't understand, Ro-Man. RO-MAN: It's not really something tangible, sir. GUIDANCE: Oh, you mean like the Zoltan Energy Shield of Nebulon System Five. RO-MAN: Um, not really, it's more like something you feel inside. GUIDANCE: Oh, like the flesh-eating biotoxins of Planet XL-17. RO-MAN: Er, no. It's... oh, I don't know... a feeling, I guess. GUIDANCE: A feeling? Like the strange tingling sensation caused by coming in contact with a Dilusian Synthocrystal? RO-MAN: No, I mean a feeling like a strong emotion. GUIDANCE: Oh, emtions, eh? I have lots of emotions, Ro-Man. They're nothing to be alarmed about. RO-MAN: Really? You have emotions? What kind? GUIDANCE: Well, there's the feeling of smug superiority I get when I have others do my bidding, there's a feeling of satisfaction when our civilization conquers and destroys a weaker species and wipes it from existence, there's the pride from knowing that one day our people will control the universe along with everything in it. Lots of emotions. RO-MAN: But don't you have any... other emotions? GUIDANCE: Well, I do occasionally become enraged when anyone tries to interfere with my master plan or shows me any disobedience or disprespect. But that comes with the job. RO-MAN: That's not exactly the kind of emotions I had in mind. GUIDANCE: What other emotions are there? I think I just ran through the entire gamut of possible emotions. RO-MAN: Well, sir, since I've been studying the hu-mans, I've come in contact with a wide array of feelings and emotions. There's self-doubt, self-pity, anxiety, depression, inferiority, jealousy, loneliness, paranoia. It's a whole rainbow of possibilities. GUIDANCE: Fascinating. RO-MAN: In fact, amid the rubble of the hu-man civilizations, I found a primitive audio recording by the hu-man called Cat Stevens which provides remarkable insight into the hu-man condition. With your permission, I would like to sing a bit of it for you. GUIDANCE: "Sing"? What is "sing"? RO-MAN: Singing is a curious hu-man custom which involves manipulation of the vocal cords for aesthetic effect, often in the form of performances called "songs." GUIDANCE: Very well then. You may proceed. RO-MAN: Can you hang on a second while I get my banjo? GUIDANCE: "Ban-jo"? What is this thing called "ban-jo"? RO-MAN: A crude hu-man device with strings that are plucked for the purpose of emitting certain pleasing tones. GUIDANCE: How odd. By all means, bring forth this "ban-jo" or yours. RO-MAN: Thank you, Great Guidance. [Ro-Man plods toward the back of the cave and returns with a banjo.] RO-MAN: [sings] If you want to be you, be you. And if you want to be me, be me. 'Cause there's a million ways to be. You know that there are. [The Great Guidance is deeply moved by this. We can't see his face under the diving helmet, but he sounds like he's crying.] GUIDANCE: Why, that's beautiful, Ro-Man. This Cat Stevens must have been one of Earth's wisest philosophers. RO-MAN: Indeed he was, Great Guidance. GUIDANCE: Your performance has opened my eyes. From now on, I'm going to forget about conquering and killing other species. RO-MAN: Really, Great Guidance? You mean it? GUIDANCE: Yes. I'm going to stop trying to rule the galaxy. I think I'll open up a cozy little bed and breakfast and sell homemade preserves. RO-MAN: It's great to hear you say that, sir. GUIDANCE: Now, Ro-Man, won't you please teach me this "song" of yours? RO-MAN: I'd be happy to, sir. [sings slowly] "If you want to be you, be you..." [The lights dim. The Charlton Heston-ish NARRATOR from my "Incredibly Strange Creatures" play walks out onto the stage. A spotlight follows him.] NARRATOR: And that was how Ro-Man finally convinced the Great Guidance that there's more to life than just conquering... [The narration is interrupted by the voice of the Great Guidance.] GUIDANCE: Hey, wait a minute! I'm not falling for this hippie crap! DEATH TO THE HU-MANS! [The Narrator is zapped by a Calcinator Death Ray and falls to the stage.] [Spotlight dims. Curtain falls.] [THE END]