----(Dim your lights where applicable)---- In the not-so-recent future, In the middle of Season Eight, The evil Pearl and company Weren't panning out so great. Their skits were dull and a little slow, And had little or nothing to do with the show. But they'd traveled full circle in time and space So Dr. F came back and killed his mom and took over the pla-ace! DR. CLAYTON FORRESTER: "I'm baaaack!" He sends them cheesy movies, The worst you've ever seen, (la la la) And stuff he found on the internet, And he does it while wearing green. (la la la) Now, don't be put off or confused By this game of Let's Pretend, 'Cause there's still no one in the theater But Mike and his robot friends! ROBOT ROLL CALL Cambot ["You guys still need me?"] Gypsy ["I'm busy."] Tom Servo ["Bring it."] Crooooooooow! ["Would you like fries with that?"] Turn down your lights where applicable, Grab a drink and a couple snacks, And repeat to yourself, it's just a show I should really just relax... For Mystery Something Theater Three Thou-suuund! (bdrdrdrlanggg!...) [Ka-thunk...2...3...4...5...6...SoL Bridge] [Tom is at the computer, his hand attached to the mouse, which he manipulates. Mike wanders in, eating funnel cake. He sees Tom.] MIKE: Hey, Tom. What are you up to? TOM: Oh, hi, Mike. I've decided that I want to make fast money the fun and easy way, so I'm going to sell some old stuff on eBay. MIKE: Not your underwear collection? TOM: Lord, no, I could never part with that! No, I'm thinking about auctioning off myself. MIKE: Yourself? You mean... you? TOM: Well, yeah, I have plenty. MIKE: Don't you think that sounds a little -- how shall I put this -- wrong? TOM: Let's just see what the market is like. I'll look up "humorous robot pal" and see what comes up. Or you could, since my arms don't actually work. MIKE: [putting down his funnel cake] Okay, but let the record show I think this is a bad idea. TOM: Whatever. [Mike types the request in and he and Servo look at the results.] MIKE: Well, look at that. [Tom is aghast.] MIKE: Looks like somebody's already beaten you to the punch. 23 listings for "L@@K!!! Tom Servo, N-M, Rare, HTF, Low Reserve!!!" 23? How is that rare? TOM: How is that possible?! Who's the seller? [He clicks on one of the listings.] MIKE: "Bobbinbuzzard"? Oh, hey. That's a good picture of you. TOM: Shut up. [CROW enters, also eating a funnel cake.] CROW: Hey, guys. Whatcha looking at? TOM: Your death warrant. CROW: What? [looks at the screen] Oh, that. How are they selling? MIKE: You've got bids on a few of them. Why did you put so many on at once? CROW: Call it a whim. TOM: FIVE DOLLARS? Your starting bid is FIVE DOLLARS? CROW: What can I say? There isn't much of a demand for you. I used to have the reserve price at $20, but you didn't move at all. TOM: WHAT? [The communication light flashes.] MIKE: Hey, you two. Bristol, Meyers and Squibb are calling. [Castle Forrester. Professor Bobo and Observer are standing on stepladders in the background, installing a set of track lights. Dr. Forrester has his back to the camera overseeing their work.] DR.F: Okay, I'm thinking a blue bulb in that one, and then a green one over there... Ah, hello, Mike. You've caught me in the middle of redecorating. Got to spruce down the place if I'm going to be living here; my mother's aesthetic wasn't quite subterranean enough for my tastes. [Bobo drops a bulb; it shatters on the floor. A pained expression crosses Dr. Forrester's face.] [SoL. Tom and Crow are scuffling by the desk. They knock over both plates of funnel cake.] MIKE: Redecorating. And I see you have help. [CF. Observer is glowering at Bobo in the background.] DR.F: ...Ostensibly, yes. [SoL. Tom and Crow continue scuffling, but now they're covered with powdered sugar.] MIKE: So you're probably too busy to send us an experiment, huh? [CF] DR.F: My naive little friend, I am never too busy to advance the cause of science through human suffering. [Bobo drops another bulb. Dr. Forrester winces.] BOBO: Oh, darn. That's the eighth one today. DR.F: In fact, to keep you occupied during my renovations, I've prepared a double shot of viewing displeasure. You're going to be watching two episodes of "Knight Rider." [SoL. Tom and Crow stop fighting.] CROW: What did he say? MIKE: "Knight Rider"? Oh, big deal. I used to actually watch that show of my own free will on a regular basis. Bring it on. [CF. Bobo drops a bulb.] DR.F: Oh, but this isn't going to be your ordinary Hasselhoffian experience, oh no. Do you recall our previous experiment? [SoL. Tom and Crow shudder.] MIKE: I've been trying to forget, but yeah. [CF] DR.F: Well, that was nothing compared to what you will be experiencing today. Using technologies that you could not even begin to understand, I can harness the pain potential of purple prose in conjunction with visual stimuli to not only monitor your mind, but also fry it like a slab of bacon. You see, I've found a website that archives...THE "KNIGHT RIDER" SHOOTING SCRIPTS. [Dramatic pause. Bobo drops a bulb.] DR.F: Excuse me for a moment. BOBO: Uh-oh. [SoL] MIKE: Sweet Jesus, we've got CRAP TELEPLAY SIGN. TOM: That's a first. [...6...5...4...3...2...Theater] > EXEC. PRODUCERS: Glen A. Larson PROD. #57307 > R. A. Cinader October 15, 1982 (F.R.) > PRODUCERS: Hannah Shearer Rev. 10/20/82 (F.R.) > Steven E. de Souza Rev. 10/22/82 (F.R.) > Rev. 10/25/82 (F.R.) > Rev. 10/26/82 (F.R.) > Rev. 10/27/82 (F.R.) > Rev. 10/28/82 (F.R.) > Rev. 10/29/82 (F.R.) > Rev. 11/01/82 (F.R.) TOM: Wow, they sure revised the hell out of this. CROW: Welcome to series television. > > KNIGHT RIDER > > TRUST DOESN'T RUST MIKE: Ooh, Trust must have gotten that Truecoat. TOM: Oh, ja. > by > Steven E. de Souza CROW: De inventor of de Souzaphone. > ______________________ > > ACT ONE > > FADE IN > > EXT. ABANDONED LAB - NIGHT > > Dark...eerie. TOM: Are there any abandoned labs in the world that look bright and cheery? MIKE: Probably. > NEW ANGLE - SHOWING SIGN > > reading "On this site will be erected the KNIGHT MUSEUM OF > TECHNOLOGY - NO TRESPASSING." A beat. CROW: A dark, eerie beat. > Then we hear > footsteps. Camera adjusts to reveal two men in ragged > clothing as they stumble down a slope, collide with the > sign. TOM: The beating of his hideous sign! > The younger and larger of the two, Tony, wipes dirt > from the sign with fingers which extend from half-cut gloves. > > TONY > Hey. Just like I said, Rev. This > is the place. CROW: [as Tony] "This is the place where we can ram into a sign real hard." > REV > I don't like this, Tony. 'Thou > shalt not trespass on thy neighbor....' > Or sumpthin' like that.... MIKE: This guy's sermons must be scintillating. > TONY > Rev, don't start the Ten Commandment > stuff again. > > Tony passes him a bottle in a bag. > > TONY > Take another slug. You'll feel real > warm and spiritual. TOM: [as Rev] "No, I'll be holding a wet, icky invertebrate." > REV > We won't find anything in here. > When a zillionaire like Knight dies, > they clean out the joint.... TOM: But it's going to be a museum. Museums usually have things in them. > Suddenly reacting to approaching footsteps, Tony pushes Rev > out of sight. A moment later a guard strolls by, shining > his light just short of Tony and Rev's hiding place. > > TONY AND REV > > peering over the edge of their "foxhole" as the guard leaves. CROW: Very intererstink... but shtupid. > TONY > See that? You think they got guards > for nothin'? Come on. MIKE: [as Rev] "No, I figure they have to pay them sumpthin'." > Tony leading the way, they stumble down a ramp to a basement > door. Tony takes a crowbar out of his ragged overcoat, > applies it to the lock. > > REV > I got a bad feeling about this. CROW: I got a bad feeling you ripped that line off from somewhere. > TONY > I got a good one. Guys this rich, > they even got gold and silver on > their plumbing. TOM: Yeah, that's a good one, Tony. > The doors part. The two men practically fall inside. MIKE: I would have called it an impractical move myself. > OMITTED > > INT. LAB BASEMENT - NIGHT > > Cobwebs...shadows...definitely creepy. TOM: First it was eerie. Now it's creepy. CROW: Definitely. > Tony and Rev enter > the shot. > > TONY > Dark in here. TOM: Yeah, the cinematographer really did a lousy job. > > REV > Dark as hell, Tony. Dark as hell. MIKE: Isn't hell usually depicted as being on fire? CROW: But it's dark fire. > TONY > Will you knock off that stuff, Rev? > If you're so pure an' all, you > shoulda stayed in that church...if > you ever had one. > > REV > I had one, Tony...I had one! MIKE: He's acting like he's had more than just one. TOM: One _bottle._ > But strong drink made me fall from > grace...just like Noah. CROW: So Noah's wife was named Grace, too? > Tony lights a match. In the gloom he sees some power boxes. > > TONY > Here we go. > > He hits one. Nothing. TOM: Hit it harder! Use your head this time! > He hits the second. A dim light goes on... CROW: Oh, great, now there's three dim bulbs in here. > a single overhead bulb further into the basement. He > hits the third box, which sparks...does nothing else. > > TONY > Ahhh...nothin'. Let's case the place > ...get some of that gold plumbing. MIKE: Tony, honey. Don't you remember you made that up? > They move away. Camera tightens on the last power box. It > is labeled, "LABORATORY THREE - DANGER - DO NOT ENGAGE POWER." CROW: Power just isn't marriage-minded. Try proposing to money or fame instead. > Music stings in. > > TONY AND REV > > Stumbling along, Rev and Tony get caught in a huge spiderweb. TOM: The hell? MIKE: Now it's "Gremlins 2." > > TONY > Aggh! Uggh! I hate bugs! CROW: Oh, how ironic! Because, you know, he... Uhh... MIKE: Hates bugs? CROW: Yeah! And spiders are arachnids and they _love_ bugs. MIKE: Okay... > REV > Let's go, Tony. There's nothing > here. > > TONY > Not yet...let's try that door.... > > NEW ANGLE TOM: [Captain Sternn] "I've got an angle." > as they approach a door labeled "LABORATORY THREE - DANGER." > Tony raises the crowbar again. MIKE: Then he lowers it. Then he raises it again. CROW: Tony believes in low-impact workouts. > Rev points to the sign. > > REV > Tony, look.... > > TONY > Ah, that's just to scare people away. CROW: [as Tony] "The Knight Museum gets robbed on a regular basis, but everyone else runs away when they see the danger sign. We're the smart ones." > He breaks the lock. The door swings open slowly. Tony > steps in...drags a reluctant Rev behind him. There is a > very, very slight wind effect...Rev seems to feel it; Tony > does not. TOM: He who felt it, dealt it. CROW: Somebody light a match. > INT. LAB - NIGHT > > As they move inside, Tony lights a match. CROW: Muchas gracias. > We see dusty lab > equipment on some counters. > > TONY > Hey, this is more like it. > > REV > Come on. We can't hock stuff like > this. CROW: No, but we can hock loogies onto it! Woo hoo! > TONY > Sure we can. It's just like video > games. MIKE: [as Tony] "I'm gonna take this 'Ohmmeter' home to the kids. It looks even better than Space Invaders." > Tony starts filling his arms with various items. Rev > uncorks a beaker...sniffs. Drinks the stuff. CROW: Mmm, sodey pop! TOM: Rev isn't too particular about what he imbibes, is he? > EXT. ROOM THREE - ON BREAKER BOX > > still sparking and arcing, the warning, "DO NOT ENGAGE > POWER" still evident. MIKE: Remember, kids. Electricity doesn't work unless you can see it. > INT. LAB THREE > > Tony and Rev move in front of the camera. CROW: Down in front! > It's completely > dark around them. > > TONY > Hey, this place is big. TOM: How can he tell? It's completely dark around them. > REV > Let's go. > > TONY > Are you kiddin'? > (showing > his booty) CROW: Too easy. > It's a gold mine --- MIKE: He's still hoping to find that gold-plated plumbing. TOM: The dope. > Suddenly both men react to a spark of electricity in the > distance. CROW: How did they react? Did they cry? Wet their pants? What? > They turn. Nothing but darkness. > > REV > W-what was that? > > TONY > It's gone now --- MIKE: [as Tony] "So that means we have nothing to worry about." > There is another arc...and then a bright red light appears > ...moving slowly from side to side with a strange humming > sound. > > REVERSE ANGLE CROW: Okay. ELGNA? MIKE: We'll get you into MENSA yet. > as Tony and Rev react. > > REV > I think we should leave. > > TONY > I...I think you're right. > > They turn, run for the door...which suddenly slams shut. TOM: We're not going to bother explaining how, it just does. > They turn back, look at --- > > THE RED LIGHT > > rushing towards them.... TOM: Don't go into the light. CROW: It will come to you! > TONY AND REV > > As they scream in fear, we: > > CUT TO > > OMITTED TOM: Cut to what? MIKE: It was omitted. TOM: Did they get killed or something? MIKE: We don't know. It was omitted. TOM: Damn. Now I'm anxious. > EXT. K.I.T.T. ON ROAD - NIGHT - TRAVELING - STOCK > > K.I.T.T.'S VOICE > Michael, do you realize that it's > 2:32 in the morning? MIKE: [as Michael] "I do now, mister freaking internal clock." > INT. K.I.T.T. - NIGHT - TRAVELING - P.M.P. > > Michael is driving. > > K.I.T.T. > This is no time to perform an errand. CROW: But it is time for some exposition. > MICHAEL > Kitt, we have to secure the old > laboratory. The city takes possession > of it first thing in the morning. > Anyway, what's your problem? Am I > keeping you from a hot date? MIKE: Michael Knight's rapier-like wit, ladies and gentlemen. CROW: This show was written for children, wasn't it? TOM: [Steve Dallas] "Can't be! Can't %$^$#ing be!" > K.I.T.T. > Of course not. But I need to charge > my power packs occasionally. And > speaking of dates, we could have > performed this task this afternoon > if you hadn't visited that Rosalie > woman. CROW: But then you wouldn't run into Rev and Tony and "the mysterious red light" and get into a wacky adventure! > MICHAEL > You mean Roselynn. Rosalie's the > other one...Ya know, down at the > beach? TOM: Wait. Kitt's a machine and it can't remember people's names? > K.I.T.T. > Michael, why do you need to socialize > with so many women? Wouldn't one be > sufficient? > > MICHAEL > Kitt, you're starting to sound like > my mother. MIKE: [as Michael] "Of course, my mother thinks I'm dead, so my memory of what she sounds like might not be entirely accurate." > What's wrong with a guy > wanting some uh...companionship? > You can understand that. TOM: Not when you phrase it like that. What is he trying to hide? > K.I.T.T. > No, Michael, I cannot. When you're > one of a kind, companionship does > not compute. CROW: Spoken like a true unfeeling machine. > EXT. ROAD - NIGHT > > as the car continues on. > > DISSOLVE TO > > EXT. ABANDONED LAB - NIGHT > > Headlights pan across the sign reading "NO TRESPASSING." > Camera adjusts as K.I.T.T. pulls up, stops. MIKE: What, was the camera's underwear riding up or something? > Michael gets out. > > MICHAEL > Hello? Hello? > (beat) > That's funny. CROW: Michael Knight hasn't gotten the hang of knock-knock jokes. > K.I.T.T. rolls forward. The red scanner swings back and > forth. MIKE: A red scanner swinging back and forth? Where have we seen this before? TOM: I don't know. It's a mystery. > K.I.T.T. > Funny? Michael, I detect no source > of amusement. CROW: Neither do we. > MICHAEL > I mean, there's supposed to be a > guard on duty. > > Michael looks at --- > > OMITTED TOM: Oh, I guess it wasn't too important. > HIS POINT OF VIEW - ENTRANCE TO BASEMENT > > The lock is broken, the door is partially open. > > BACK TO SCENE CROW: Oh, thank God. I thought they'd _never_ get back to the scene. > Michael gets into the car. > > MICHAEL > Come on. Let's check out the basement. > > The car rolls forward...suddenly stops. TOM: Yeah, suddenly Kitt remembered he can't use stairs. > MICHAEL > Kitt, didn't you hear me? What's wrong? > > K.I.T.T. > Michael, I'm getting some unusual > readings. MIKE: That's just the poetry slam at the "Bean There, Dunk That" cafe up the road. > MICHAEL > Readings of what? > > K.I.T.T. > I don't know...they appear to be > sensor echoes of my own telemetry > ...but that's impossible. > > MICHAEL > If it's impossible, ignore it. Let's go. CROW: Yep, this Michael Knight is one sharp detective. > The car creeps downward again. > > K.I.T.T. > Michael, I have a strange feeling > about this. > > MICHAEL > What are you talking about? You don't > have feelings. TOM: Oh, sure. Rub it in, fleshy. > K.I.T.T. > I know. That's what's strange about it. > > Michael looks around. Apparently, strange feelings are > contagious. MIKE: Apparently? You mean you don't know? > MICHAEL > Okay, Kitt. If something strange is > going on, I want someone covering my > back. You stay here. > > K.I.T.T. > You don't have to tell me twice. > > Michael smiles slightly...pats the nearest part of the > car...goes inside the lab. MIKE: Hey, that's sexual harassment! CROW: Mechanical harassment, anyway. > OMITTED > > WITH MICHAEL INSIDE CROW: One free Michael in every box of Omitted! While supplies last! TOM: Omitted -- the cereal you keep forgetting to buy. > He moves through the cobwebs and shadows. We play this for > suspense...once we get a sudden start as Michael reacts to > a noise and a moving object...but it's only a falling > timber. MIKE: See, with a timber instead of a cat, that whole routine is fresh and new again! > By now Michael's walk has taken him up to --- > > OMITTED > > MICHAEL'S POINT OF VIEW - LAB TOM: What's a dog doing in there? > A maze-like collection of eerie shadows impossible to > decipher. MIKE: I hated that part of the game. My lantern always went out. > BACK TO SCENE > > Now he is in the center of the dark gloom...a matching > shot to the earlier one of Tony and Rev. TOM: Yeah, Tony and Rev. What about them? What happened? > He waves the beam > of the flashlight around. MIKE: Makes embarrassing lightsaber noises. > Reacts to.... > > OMITTED CROW: Would they stop doing that? > INT. LAB - MICHAEL'S POINT OF VIEW - THE GUARD > > from outside is in the center of the room, semiconscious. TOM: He's not the only one. > THE SCENE > > Michael quickly crosses to him, examines him. > > GUARD > (weakly) > Lab...three...lab...three.... MIKE: [as Guard] "I...left...a...bunsen...burner...on...in... there...." > Hearing these words, Michael turns...looks at.... > > OMITTED > > MICHAEL'S POINT OF VIEW - LAB THREE > > As the door slowly opens, seemingly of its own volition, a > red light goes on. Something rushes out of the dark lab > like a rogue elephant. CROW: Something which we, of course, cannot see. TOM: But we as audience members are supposed to imagine that it could be a rogue elephant with a red light on the front. > OMITTED > > MICHAEL > > at the last moment he rolls out of the way. Alloy-belted > treds mash the dust around his last footprints. TOM: TREDS MASH! CROW: [deep voice] I despise the ground you walk on. > OUTSIDE LAB - K.I.T.T. > > As a black gleaming blur MIKE: Cut to the point, please. We know it's a car. > swerves around it, roars out the > main door and into the night. CROW: Directed by John Landis. > K.I.T.T. > Michael! Michael! Where are you? > > Michael moves quickly and breathlessly into the shot, the > guard across his shoulders. > > MICHAEL > Here, Kitt...we have to get this man > to a hospital! > > K.I.T.T. > Michael, that car... MIKE: They finally admit it's a car! TOM: Thank you! > it...it could > have been my twin! It was exactly > like me! > > Michael catches his breath, gets into K.I.T.T. CROW: Dude, he is totally into his car. > MICHAEL > Not exactly, Kitt.... > > Camera tightens on Michael. > > MICHAEL > It almost killed me. > > OMITTED TOM: I think they omitted the "da-da-dahhhhhh!" > FREEZE FRAME MIKE: [singing] "And I'll freeze!" > FADE OUT > > END OF ACT ONE CROW: I'd rather get out of here. [Ka-thunk...2...3...4...5...6...SoL Bridge. Crow and Tom each have an enormous quantity of cotton candy, which they are attempting to eat. Mike enters.] CROW: So, umm, Mike. You've actually _seen_ this show before? MIKE: Well, yeah. During the early '80s I was as susceptible as anybody else to shows like "Buck Rogers," "Airwolf" and "Knight Rider" -- shows that in retrospect were kinda cheesy but appealed to the sci-fi/fantasy geek in everybody. TOM: You mean just you, then. MIKE: No, I mean everybody. A lot of people had to have watched these shows, otherwise they wouldn't have stayed on the air as long as they did. CROW: But why "Knight Rider"? TOM: Yeah, Mike. How did it come to be? MIKE: Well, you have to remember that autonomous automobiles had long been in the national consciousness thanks to TV shows like "My Mother the Car" in the mid-'60s and movies like the Herbie series, which started in 1968 with "The Love Bug" and spawned four sequels. CROW: But that's ancient history. TOM: And Herbie didn't even talk! CROW: What about something more contemporary? MIKE: Well, in 1977 you had "The Car," starring James Brolin. It didn't talk, either, but it was a driverless black car. TOM: Okay, we'll give you that. CROW: You're giving him that? I wasn't going to give him that. [They start arguing amongst themselves, hurling their cotton candy at each other. Mike continues, mostly to himself.] MIKE: Finally, we come to 1982, which brought "Knight Rider" to the small screen and into the minds of millions of adolescent boys. Then, a year later brought Stephen King's "Christine" to the bestseller lists and the movies. It was simply an idea whose time had come, culturally-speaking. [Tom and Crow stop fighting once they hear that Mike has stopped talking.] TOM: That's all well and good, Mike, but it doesn't cut to the heart of the matter. MIKE: And that is...? CROW: Why David Hasselhoff? MIKE: Okay, that's going to be a little bit more complicated to explain. [The lights flash.] MIKE: And we have spam sign. TOM: The thing I want to know is, did "Knight Rider" make Hasselhoff or did Hasselhoff make "Knight Rider"? MIKE: We'll be right back. [Planet logo.] Add 3 inches Naturally -- to your pants! [Theater] > ACT TWO > > FADE IN > > EXT. FOUNDATION - DAY - STOCK > > DEVON'S VOICE > That was the hospital, Michael.... MIKE: [as Michael] "It looked like the phone to me." > INT. DEVON'S OFFICE - DAY > > Michael and Bonnie wait as Devon hangs up the phone, > continues. TOM: [as Bonnie] "Man, will you finish hanging up the phone already?" MIKE: [as Michael] "Anything to pad his screen time." > > DEVON > The security guard is still uncon- > scious, but he's out of danger. TOM: But what about Tony and Rev? Are they in danger? I need to know! > In an hour or two he should be able to > give you a statement. > > MICHAEL > I'll settle for a statement from you. MIKE: [as Michael] "What's my account balance?" > DEVON > I beg your pardon? > > MICHAEL > Why wasn't I told about this other > car? CROW: [as Devon] "Because it's all in the past. That other car meant nothing to me. It's Kitt that I love. Can't you see that?" > DEVON > Michael, please --- > > MICHAEL > I had a right to know! > > DEVON > Yes, you certainly did...let me > explain. > > Devon stops, takes a breath. These are painful memories. TOM: Come on, Devon. Open up. Share your pain with us. MIKE: Or at least share the backstory. > DEVON > Two weeks before we found you in the > desert, near death, Wilton activated > the crowning invention of his life.... CROW: [as Devon] "The everlasting gobstopper." > MICHAEL > Kitt? > > DEVON > No...Karr.... > > MICHAEL > Karr? MIKE: How does he know how it's spelled? > DEVON > 'Knight Automated Roving Robot'... > Wilton's sobriquet for his prototype > vehicle. TOM: It was a charcoal sobriquet, but it didn't light very well. > MICHAEL > I like 'Kitt' better. CROW: Suck up. > DEVON > You can say that again. Kitt's > primary function is to serve you...and > protect you from harm.... TOM: Asimov's First Law in action, folks. > BONNIE > But Karr...the earlier model...had > no such programming. Instead, self > preservation was its primary > function. TOM: And we have his Third Law. Do I hear a Second? > MICHAEL > And that was a mistake? > > DEVON > A major one. MIKE: [as Devon] "Like my agreeing to appear in 'Megaforce.'" > MICHAEL > Like not telling me about all this? > > BONNIE > Don't look at me...before my time. TOM: But she knows all about Karr's programming. > DEVON > Michael, please...consider the > circumstances...Just as Wilton > realized he'd erred by not > programming Karr properly, his > company was almost toppled from > within... MIKE: He'd made the mistake of building his company out of Jenga blocks. CROW: Makes a lot of dumb mistakes for a genius, doesn't he? > by the same people who left > you for dead on that desert highway > ...In the turmoil to save your life MIKE: Boy, they screwed that up. > and build a safer car, the earlier > model was put in storage. I > thought Wilton had had it dismantled > before he died...obviously, I was > wrong. TOM: Yeah, obviously. Now when are they going to cut back to Rev and Tony? I gotta know what happened to them! > MICHAEL > Okay...okay...I'm sorry I jumped on > you... MIKE: [as Michael] "Is your back okay?" > but I still don't see why one > simple computer program makes so > much difference. CROW: This guy's obviously never heard of a little program called Pong. > BONNIE > Michael, Kitt's primary function -- > to protect human life -- is for want > of a better word -- altruistic. > > DEVON > But Karr -- without that programming > -- is self-serving MIKE: [as Michael] "Meanwhile, I have to get out and pump Kitt's gas for him." TOM: [as Kitt] "Would you rather I try to run you down on a regular basis?" > ...almost animalistic in nature. CROW: Its radiator fluid is even an animalistic yellow. > And devoid as it is > of a conscience, it is potentially > dangerous. If the people who have it > misuse it, program it with information > it deems threatening, TOM: [as Devon] "For instance, make it watch too many reruns of 'The Dukes of Hazard'..." > why, they could > create a menace which could quickly > exceed their control. > > MICHAEL > Devon.... > > DEVON > Yes? MIKE: [as Michael] "I wet 'em." > MICHAEL > I think we should get that car back. CROW: [as Devon] "No, I think we should go out for ice cream." > CUT TO > > OMITTED > > EXT. ALLEY - DAY > > Hidden behind a dumpster is none other than the Knight > Automated Roving Robot...K.A.R.R. We hear a yawn TOM: Coming from audience members across the nation. > ...Tony stretches, appears in the front seat. CROW: It's magic! > A moment later the > Rev rises in back. TOM: Thank God they're both all right! I was worried for a while there. MIKE & CROW: We know. > K.A.R.R. > Are you awake? > > TONY > Huh...wha...it wasn't a dream. TOM: [as Tony] "It's real! It's all so gloriously real!" > REV > (to Tony) > You're here! I'm here! > (beat) > It's here! CROW: "The bannister's here!" > Tony and the Rev quickly jump out of the car...back away. > Feeling safer, they relax a bit. MIKE: Yes, outside the car. Where they can be run over. > TONY > Where are we? > > K.A.R.R. > This is where your companion told me > to stop last night. TOM: [as Tony] "Hey, it's not like that. We're just friends." > REV > I did? > > K.A.R.R. > Actually, most of what you said was > incoherent. I did, however, distinctly > hear the word 'stop'. CROW: [as Karr] "I quote, 'Oh, God, please! Please God, oh please! Make it stop! Mommmmeeeeeee!'" > REV > You're...just a car, ain't you? > > K.A.R.R. > Not 'just a car.' I am the Knight > Automated Roving Robot...Karr, if > you prefer. CROW: [Sean Connery voice] "So, instead of calling me a car in one spelling, you can call me car in another." > I am the prototype of > the car of the future. > > REV > I mean...you're a regular real thing MIKE: Well, I'm thirsty now. > ...you're not somethin' out of a > nightmare like you looked last night. TOM: [as Rev] "You looked like a rogue elephant with a red light on the front." > K.A.R.R. > Nothing has changed since last night. > > TONY > Easy for you to say.... > > Tony scratches himself, MIKE: Eww, Tony. Not in public! > starts to root through some garbage > cans. He finds a scarf which he puts on, etc. CROW: Yeah, he puts it on, makes a flower out of it, produces a flock of doves -- you know, the usual. > Rev searches > his pockets, finds his bottle. > > TONY > Where did you come from, anyway? TOM: [as Karr] "The Knight Company told me that there was a stork involved." > How did you get in that building? > > K.A.R.R. > That edifice was the laboratory > where I was first activated...and > where I was also deactivated. CROW: Karr uses big words like edifice so we know he's a computer. TOM: Thanks, Karr! > The Rev pauses in midchug. > > REV > Deactivated? You mean somebody > turned you off? MIKE: [as Karr] "No, I meant the kind of deactivation where somebody gives you a wet, sloppy kiss." > K.A.R.R. > My creator...Wilton Knight. He > brought me into the world and then > turned on me. TOM: You mean he turned off you. > TONY > Hey, take it easy...my old man was > the same way. CROW: [as Tony] "He kept me locked in a basement laboratory, too." > REV > Yeah. Except for me and Tony, you > can't count on nobody. > > K.A.R.R. > Interesting. I will enter that > information in my data banks. TOM: Karr registers the double negative and immediately decides to kill them both. > I am indebted to both of you. You have > reactivated me. How may I serve you? > > TONY > 'Serve us?' Whatcha mean by 'serve' > us? MIKE: They know what 'deactivate' means, but the short words are the really tough ones. > K.A.R.R. > I have checked my data on basic > human desires. Therefore, I > understand your needs. CROW: [as Karr] "For one thing, you two really _need_ to take a shower." > REV > Come on. > > K.A.R.R. > You wish to eat. > > TONY > Well, yeah. > > K.A.R.R. > You wish to drink. > > REV > Yeah! > > K.A.R.R. > You wish to reproduce. > > TONY & REV > Yeah! TOM: The male intellect -- enjoy. > K.A.R.R. > Which one first? > > REV > Uh...how about a couple of eggs, > sunnyside up? MIKE: [as Karr] "Oh, no. That's supposed to be bad for you. How about scrambled?" > K.A.R.R. > I have no eggs. Perhaps you can > direct me to a chicken. CROW: [as Karr] "According to my data banks, they frequently cross roads." > TONY > What are you, a comedian? MIKE: If he were, he'd bomb at the Funnybone. > K.A.R.R. > I am the Knight Automated Roving > Robot...Karr, if you prefer -- I > am the prototype of the car of the > future. TOM: [as Rev] "Yeah, yeah. Car of the future. Make with the eggs already!" > REV > Hey, wait a minute...it's coming back > to me now...last night...there was a > guy...and another car... CROW: You sure you don't mean a rogue elephant with-- MIKE: Thank you, we've done that one. > a car just like you.... > > K.A.R.R. > You are in error. I am one of a kind. > > TONY > No, the Rev's right...I saw it too.... > > K.A.R.R.'s engine roars alarmingly. MIKE: That is alarming. It could be burning off oil or something. > Both men jump. > > K.A.R.R. > I am the prototype of the car of the > future. What you saw was merely an > inferior production line model...a > pale copy of the original. CROW: [as Rev] "Actually, I thought it looked black." > TONY > (elbowing Rev) CROW: [as Rev] "Ow, my spleen." > Uh...yeah, uh, Karr, you...you must > be right. > (aside > to Rev) > This guy's got a touchy motor. TOM: Ha. > K.A.R.R. > Very well, now may I take you some- > where for food? MIKE: [as Karr] "If it's okay, could we go dutch?" > Tony and the Rev look at each other. > > REV > Yeah. Sure. Why not? > > They get inside...Tony behind the wheel. TOM: Aside from the fact that Tony doesn't have a wheel, I don't think Rev and Karr will fit inside him comfortably. > K.A.R.R. > Do you wish to drive, or shall I? > > TONY > (skeptical) > Go ahead. CROW: You saw him drive himself last night. What's to be skeptical about? > The car pulls out of the alley, heads down the street. TOM: Refuses to use conjunctions. > INT. K.A.R.R. - TRAVELING > > Tony and the Rev watch the wheel turn on its own. > > TONY > Far out. Far out. > > REV > It's a miracle. MIKE: [as Tony] "Remember the player piano incident, Rev? Don't embarrass me again." > K.A.R.R. > I detect numerous purveyors of > food. CROW: There he goes again. "Purveyors." TOM: Tch. He's going to give robots a bad name. > Please tell me where you wish > to go. > > REV > Uh...how about the Three Rings? > > K.A.R.R. > According to my data, rings are > not edible. MIKE: Ahh, Karr must be using the pre-onion ring data. > REV > It's over there...on the left.... > > THE STREET > > as K.A.R.R. makes a U-turn...almost colliding with a vehicle > or two in the process...then skids into the lot of a > Jack-in-the-box-type place. TOM: All that to make a left turn? MIKE: Well, this is in California. > INT. K.A.R.R. > > as it slams to halt in front of the PA "order" ringmaster. > Rev and Tony are still reacting to the wild turn. MIKE: I don't know. I'm kinda still reacting to the misplaced quotation marks. > TONY > Hey, when this guy wants to go > somewhere, he don't fool around. > > ANGLE ON "THREE RING" DRIVE-IN - MAIN BUILDING > > where a bored teenaged Kid TOM: Ah, yes. The Knight Inflatable Device. > is reading a comic. The Kid > looks up, sees the Trans Am across the parking lot at the > clown rig. The Kid pulls a microphone close...hits a > button. CROW: ...Builds unecessary tension with overuse of ellipses... > We hear canned calliope music. TOM: I like calliope music better when it's fresh. > KID > (as ringmaster) > Ladies and gentlemen...and children > of all ages! Welcome to the Center > Ring! MIKE: [as Kid] "Please kill me now." > INTERCUT - INT. K.A.R.R. > > KID > (filtered) > The r-r-ringmaster is r-r-ready for > your order. TOM: R-r-rolling Wr-r-riter Pentel pen! CROW: R-r-ruffles have r-r-ridges! > K.A.R.R. > What is that voice? > > REV > It's just the ringmaster, Karr. I'll > have...uh... > (to Tony) > What do they call that breakfast > thing? MIKE: Uhh, breakfast? > K.A.R.R. > Ringmaster? I scan no such person. > This is a primitive remote, devoid > of locomotion. > > KID > I said, the r-r-ringmaster is > r-r-ready! CROW: [as Karr] "But the R-r-roving R-r-robot is not!" > TONY > The Tip Top Tent? > > REV > No, that's not it. TOM: [as Rev] "But it sounds just as stupid." > KID > (filtered) > Can I have your order, please? > > K.A.R.R. > Tony! Rev! The operator of this > device must be nearby. > > TONY > Huh? What are you talking about? > > KID > You guys wanna snap it up? I don't > have all day. MIKE: [as Kid] "I've got a lot of standing around and reading comics to do." > K.A.R.R. > There! Did you hear? He is becoming > abusive. > > KID > You wise guys, or what? > > K.A.R.R. > His anger grows.... TOM: Fear the wr-r-rath of the R-r-ringmaster! > REV > Karr, be quiet, please --- > > KID > Okay, that's it. Get out of here, > before I come out there and throw > you out. You hear me? Hey! You're > asking for it! MIKE: [as Kid] "I'm going to come out there and get the crap beaten out of me by you! Just you wait." > K.A.R.R. > Do not fear, my friends. I will > protect you. Brace for collision! > > THE SCENE > > Before Tony or the Rev can react, K.A.R.R. backs up, then > rams into the Ringmaster. CROW: You have r-r-rammed into the R-r-ringmaster! The R-r-ringmaster is no longer r-r-ready! > Sparks, smoke and plaster fly everywhere. > > THE KID - AT WINDOW > > reacting to this event in shock. MIKE: [as Kid] "Damn! I've always wanted to do that!" > The Kid reaches out, hits > a button marked --- > > INSERT - BUTTON TOM: What does the button marked "INSERT - BUTTON" do? CROW: It adds another button. TOM: And what does that button say? > "Burglar Alarm." TOM: Ah. > INT. K.A.R.R. > > Tony and Rev are in shock. They react to the ringing alarm. > > K.A.R.R. > You see? Most of the interior was > empty. It was a clever ruse, my > friends, but not clever enough. MIKE: [as Karr] "I can easily see through plaster facsimiles of circus employees." > REV > Come on! We gotta get outta here! > > K.A.R.R. > But you haven't eaten yet. Perhaps > you wish to reproduce? CROW: Man, it's only the first date and already Karr wants to go all the way. > TONY > Forget that! Don't you hear that > alarm? > > K.A.R.R. > That harmonic disturbance? What > does it mean? TOM: It means Yoko Ono's in the vicinity. > REV > It means the cops are coming!! > > K.A.R.R. > Is that a problem? > > TONY > Are you kidding? If the cops catch > us they'll throw us in the slammer! > > K.A.R.R. > What is 'the slammer?' MIKE: It's the place where Penn Jillette lives. > REV > Remember that basement you were in? TOM: The spooky, eerie basement? > K.A.R.R. > I will never forget it. > > REV > Well, the slammer's just like that. CROW: [as Tony] "Yeah, they got big spider webs and everything!" > K.A.R.R. > I do not wish to go back to the > slammer. How may I avoid it? > > TONY > You get out of here as fast as you > can, you stupid hunk of tin! MIKE: [Ferris Bueller] "I don't even have a piece of tin. I have to admire yours." > Instantly, the car backs out of the lot...does a 180o > turn.... CROW: And is instantly transported to the year 1800. > EXT. CRUNCHY CLOWN TOM: "Hmm, Crunchy Clown. Heap good." > ...and roars away, leaving astonished pedestrians in its > path. MIKE: The pedestrians _in_ its path aren't astonished so much as they're in need of a wake. > OMITTED > > CUT TO > > EXT. STREET - DAY > > K.I.T.T. drives by. > > INT. K.I.T.T. > > K.I.T.T. > Michael, I hope the security guard > has some answers for us. Those sensor > echoes last night were very puzzling. > > Michael doesn't reply, keeps looking at the dash. > > K.I.T.T. > Michael? > > Michael fairly jumps. TOM: Michael Knight isn't really good at jumping. CROW: He's only fair. > MICHAEL > Uh...yeah, Kitt? > > K.I.T.T. > You're awfully quiet. Is something > bothering you? > > MICHAEL > (reluctant) > Well...yeah. I'm...worried about you. TOM: Welcome to the sensitive side of Michael Knight. > K.I.T.T. > About me? > > MICHAEL > Yeah. This whole thing has been > startling, you know? Learning about > that other car...having to hunt > down... MIKE: [as Michael] "...that rabid lemur..." > and I figured if I'm a little > shook up, well, then, you must be --- > > K.I.T.T. > Michael, really. By now you should > know better than that. TOM: [as Kitt] "I only get shook up when my wheels are out of alignment." > I admit that > I was somewhat surprised to discover > that I was not in fact a prototype > vehicle...but.... > > MICHAEL > There!..See! You are upset! It's a > blow to your ego, right? MIKE: But Kitt's a car. Cars don't have egos! TOM: Oh, no? You ever seen a Lambourghini? > K.I.T.T. > Not at all. On the contrary, it's a > compliment. Instead of being a > problem-ridden prototype, I am the > new and improved model. CROW: Hey, Mike. Do you suppress your insecurities with rationalizations like that when the subject of Joel comes up? > MICHAEL > Come on, Kitt, you can level with > me. I mean, weren't you even a > little bit annoyed when you found > out that there was another car and > no one even told you? MIKE: [as Michael] "Come on, at least be a little ticked off. It'll make me feel better." > K.I.T.T. > Michael, why should that be > upsetting? There's a perfectly > reasonable explanation. > > MICHAEL > Oh, yeah? CROW: [as Kitt] "Yeah, Devon is a doodie head." > K.I.T.T. > Of course. I wasn't informed due to > the all too common problem of human > error. ALL: Wah-wah-waaaaah. > CUT TO > > EXT. STREET - DAY > > Residential...basically empty. TOM: So, no houses, huh? MIKE: Or people living in them? > Gradually we hear the sound > of police sirens. A beat. CROW: I just _love_ techno music. > Then K.A.R.R. roars around the > corner. A moment later two police cars appear in hot > pursuit. TOM: Why do we never see police cars in cold pursuit? MIKE: Two words: White Bronco. TOM: I stand corrected. > INT. K.A.R.R. > > Tony and the Rev are reacting in panic to the breakneck > speed and wild turns. > > REV > Tony, slow down! MIKE: [as Rev] "You gotta give your body time to digest all them Frosted Flakes." TOM: [as Tony] "But they're gr-r-reat!" > TONY > Slow down? I'm not driving! > (leaning > forward) > Karr! You gotta stop! > > K.A.R.R. > Negative, Tony. I do not wish to > go to the slammer. MIKE: [Yakov Smirnoff] "No jail!" > TONY > (to the Rev) > You and your big mouth! > > Suddenly Karr accelerates. Tony and Rev are pushed back > in their seats. The police cars fall far behind them. > > EXT. INTERSECTION > > K.A.R.R. puts on a burst of speed, turns the corner and > ducks into an alley. TOM: I think the writer is forgetting for a moment that Karr is a _car._ > The police cars go by. > > RADIO VOICE > Attention all units. MIKE: [as Radio Voice] "My wife just left me and I'm thinking of ending it all." > Black Trans Am > reported heading south on Vincente > Street. > > ANOTHER STREET > > K.I.T.T. goes past the camera. CROW: Uh oh. I think I know what's coming. > INT. K.I.T.T. > > Michael reacts as he hears a siren. TOM: What does he do? Bite his tongue? Hide his radar detector? > MICHAEL > Kitt, tune in the police frequency. > > K.I.T.T. > Of course. > > A beat. We hear static. TOM: Better than that techno garbage. > POLICE RADIO VOICE > ...last seen at Three Ring Drive-In > restaurant, 9211 Vincente Street. > Repeat, black Trans Am in assault > Three Ring Drive-In restaurant.... > > K.I.T.T. > Michael, did you hear that? CROW: No, he's probably gone deaf during the past five seconds. > MICHAEL > The hospital can wait. TOM: Starring Warren Beatty as the hospital. > K.I.T.T. > I should think so. That other car > is going to give Trans Ams a terrible > reputation. > > Michael throws the car into a wild turn. MIKE: Oh, and you're not? TOM: Reckless driver. > EXT. ALLEY - DAY > > K.A.R.R. is parked in the shadows. Tony and the Rev sit > breathless for a moment. CROW: Then they break into a chorus of "The Girl from Ipanema." > K.A.R.R. > No one is pursuing us. You may > assume manual control now. TOM: "You can control the horizontal. You can control the vertical." > REV > Thanks a lot. > > He reaches across Tony, grabs the wheel. > > REV > The first thing we do is take these > crazy wheels back where we got > them --- MIKE: [as Tony] "Well, I told you we should have never let the Electric Mayhem paint it." > INSERT > > as the "manual" light changes to "auto." > > K.A.R.R.'S VOICE > I do not wish to go back to the > slammer. TOM: Not Karr -- his voice. CROW: Isn't it always his voice? MIKE: Hush. > BACK TO SCENE > > TONY > He's just kidding, Karr...honest. > Go back to that manual thing...come > on. You can trust me and the Rev. > > K.A.R.R. > Yes. That information is in my data > banks. I can trust you. > > The control panel changes again. TOM: To what? An eggplant? > TONY > You wanna excuse us for a minute, > Karr? > > Tony pulls his pal out of the car, hesitates at the curb. MIKE: He's unsure what to do. Should he step on top of it? CROW: Should he kick it to see if it will move? > TONY > Ah...don't go away. TOM: [as Tony] "And don't listen in on what we're saying, either." > TONY AND THE REV MIKE: Sounds like the name of a band. CROW: A really _bad_ band. > Tony pulls the Rev around the corner, speaks in hushed > tones. > > TONY > I wanna talk to you --- > > REV > I wanna talk to you. CROW: [as Tony] "Good, then we're in agreement!" > We coulda > ended up in jail today, all for a > lousy mechanical ringmaster! I got > two outstanding warrants, Tony... TOM: [as Rev] "And a lot of other warrants that are merely adequate." > I don't need a Wizard of Oz car putting > me behind the eight ball for nothing! MIKE: Whoa, whoa! Stop mixing your metaphors! TOM: Pay no attention to the man behind the eight ball. > TONY > Hey, Rev, I'm with you all the way. > > REV > You are? > > TONY > Sure. If we're gonna walk the edge, > well, let's do it for something > worthwhile... MIKE: [as Tony] "Let's do it for the children." > not the 'Tip Top Tent', > right? CROW: [as Rev] "You're right, Tony. I want it all. Let's try for the Colossal Clown Car Combo next time!" > REV > Tony, come on. We were lucky > today. Next time --- > > TONY > Next time it'll be the same thing. > Did you see the way Karr handled > those cops? The moves, the turns? TOM: [as Tony] "The way he batted his eyelashes so seductively." > Rev, with this car we could go all > the way...we could go for the brass > ring. MIKE: But Karr's data says they're inedible. > Nothin' on earth could stop us! CROW: [as Tony] "With this ring I could -- dare I say it -- rule the world." > OMITTED > > K.A.R.R. - FRONT SCANNER > > moving back and forth. MIKE: For no reason in particular. We just wanted to put this shot in here. CROW: It's ominous. TOM: Makes you think that mean car is plotting something, you know. > CUT TO > > EXT. CRUNCHY CLOWN - DAY MIKE: "Crunchy Clown -- stays crunchy in milk." > Curious onlookers crowd the parking lot. Michael swings > into the lot, TOM: Plowing down a couple of them. > parks and jumps out. > > WITH MICHAEL > > as he moves through the crowd, approaches the wreckage of > the Ringmaster. CROW: You mean the wr-r-reckage of the R-r-ringmaster. > MICHAEL > Excuse me...can anyone tell me what > happened here? MIKE: [as Michael] "I'm kinda dumb as a brick, you know." > The Order Kid looks at Michael...then at K.I.T.T. > > ORDER KID > Is that your car? > > MICHAEL > Yes. MIKE: [as Kid] "Well, it's parked on my manager." > The Kid turns, signals someone. > > MICHAEL > (to Kid) > Why'd you ask? Was there another > car here that --- > > Michael doesn't get any further. He's tackled from behind > by a zillion cops. CROW: Does this show have the budget for a whole zillion? TOM: They might have to settle for just a kajillion. > REVERSE ANGLE - TIGHT > > As Michael goes down with a thud on top of the clown. ALL: Eww, that's disgusting! MIKE: This is a family show! > He looks up...camera widens to reveal that he is the hub of a > wheel of drawn service revolvers. CROW: _Somebody_ just saw "The Blues Brothers." TOM: I'll say. > He slowly raises his > hands and we: > > FREEZE FRAME TOM: [Southern accent] "Now don't that just beat all?" > FADE OUT > > END OF ACT TWO [Planet logo.] See Teens get hypnotized -- in your pants! [SoL Bridge. Mike, dressed in hastily-put-together Three Rings uniform, is eating popcorn. Tom, dressed in a sweater with a Three Rings button on it, is hovering nearby.] TOM: Come on, Mike. Humor us. MIKE: Oh, all right, but do I have to wear this silly uniform? TOM: Absolutely. Now remember, you're a Three Rings employee who's just asked me -- your manager -- about working in drive thru. MIKE: Do you mind if I continue eating my popcorn? TOM: By all means. [as manager] Now, Mike, I hear you're interested in working drive thru here at the Three Rings. MIKE: Umm, yes. TOM: Excellent! Follow me and I'll show you the training video. MIKE: Umm, okay. [Tom hovers two feet to the left, where a cardboard mock-up of a television on a rolling rack is standing. There is a cardboard VCR on the shelf underneath it.] TOM: Make yourself comfortable while I get it started. MIKE: Whatever. [Mike sits on a stool while Tom pretends to fiddle with the VCR.] TOM: Ahh, here we go. You sit back and watch. I'll be back when it's over. I'll just get the lights on my way out. [He exits and nothing happens. After a few seconds, he comes back in.] TOM: Uhh, Cambot, could you get the lights for me? [The lights dim, save for one on the area behind the television.] TOM: Thanks. [He exits. After a second, Crow and Gypsy walk into the area behind the television. Crow is dressed in a sweater with a Three Rings button on it and Gypsy is dressed in a Three Rings uniform. They speak very woodenly.] CROW: Now, Rosie, I hear you're interested in working drive thru here at the Three Rings. GYPSY: I certainly am, Mr. Tobor! CROW: Excellent! Well, let's get you started. Follow me to your station. [They walk out of the television's frame. Nothing happens for a second, then a cardboard cash register and microphone get pushed into frame by Tom, who tries not to be seen. After a few seconds, Gypsy and Crow re-enter.] CROW: Well, here we are! GYPSY: Wow! It's even more incredible than I ever imagined it! How does it work? CROW: Well, first you have to wait for a customer to arrive. [They hear the sound of a car pulling up offscreen.] CROW: Looks like you have a customer! GYPSY: My first customer of the day! What do I do? CROW: First, you hit this button. [He hits a button on the register. Canned calliopse music plays.] GYPSY: Okay, now what? CROW: Now, you read this script. Remember to speak directly into the microphone and smile! [Crow holds up a script for Gypsy.] GYPSY: [as ringmaster] Ladies and gentlemen...and children of all ages! Welcome to the Center Ring! [as herself] Gee, that was fun! CROW: There's more. GYPSY: Oh! [as ringmaster] The ringmaster is ready for your order. TOM: [on speaker] Great, I'd like two Big Top Burgers with extra mayo and a-- CROW: Hold on, sir. Rosie, you forgot to roll your r's. GYPSY: What? CROW: You're supposed to roll your r's like this: The r-r-ringmaster is r-r-ready for your order! Now you try. GYPSY: I can't. CROW: Go on, try. GYPSY: How can I roll my r's? I don't have a tongue! CROW: I don't have a tongue, either, but that's not stopping me. TOM: [on speaker] Hey, is somebody going to take my order? CROW: In a minute, sir. Come on, Rosie, try it. The r-r-ringmaster. R-r-ring, r-r-ring. GYPSY: I can't do it! CROW: Well, if you can't do it, then you can't work drive thru! GYPSY: Fine, then I won't! CROW: Fine! GYPSY: Fine! CROW: Fine! [They both storm off in opposite directions. Nothing happens for a few seconds.] TOM: [on speaker] Umm, is anyone still there to take my order? MIKE: [his mouth full of popcorn] No. TOM: [on speaker] Oh. Cambot? [The lights go back to normal. Tom re-enters.] TOM: So, Mike, did you learn everything you needed to know about working drive thru here at the Three Rings? MIKE: Umm, no. TOM: I see, good. Well, I think you're ready. Let me show you to your station. [Lights flash.] MIKE: No time for that, we have crap teleplay sign! [...6...5...4...3...2...Theater] > ACT THREE > > FADE IN > > INT. SEMI - DAY MIKE: It's only partially day. > Devon is with a police Officer near the door. TOM: Why the random capitalization? CROW: Well, you see, this way the actor feels he's got a real part. "I'm the Officer!" > Michael > leans against the wall, glaring. Bonnie works on K.I.T.T. > > OFFICER > (eyeing > Michael) TOM: [as Officer] "Hello, sailor!" > Uh...you can understand the > confusion. Maybe until we nail the > stolen car, you should paint yours > another color. MIKE: [as Officer] "I like a nice beige myself, but turquoise is also good." > DEVON > We'll take it under advisement, > Officer. Thank you. TOM: See? Even Devon capitalizes it. CROW: Well, Devon's a butthead. > He shows the Officer out the door. > > K.I.T.T. > I hope you didn't take that > suggestion seriously, Mr. Miles. > I am quite happy with basic black. TOM: It's slimming. > MICHAEL > Aren't we overreacting a bit here? > I mean, all these guys have done is > wipe out a ringmaster...they didn't > even steal any hamburgers. MIKE: That's because the restaurant was still on the breakfast shift. > DEVON > Michael, Karr is like a loaded gun > in the hand of a child. It's only a > matter of time before there's a real > explosion. CROW: So, they didn't make guns that well in the '80s, huh? MIKE: Yeah, they exploded in the hands of children all the time. > K.I.T.T. > Bonnie...unless I'm mistaken, you > seem to be repositioning my main > power booster. TOM: [as Kitt] "It feels kinda kinky." > BONNIE > (hesitant) > Uh...yes. I'm making room for a...uh > ...new component. > > K.I.T.T. > What kind of component? CROW: A new one. Didn't you hear? > DEVON > (quickly) > Ah...we're not yet certain it's > necessary, Kitt...we're just > planning ahead. > > K.I.T.T. > I see. TOM: [as Kitt] "Uhh, wait. That didn't sound soulless enough. I meant, 'I compute.'" > Michael, considering the > confusion of the law enforcement > authorities, regarding myself and > Karr, I'll understand it if you want > to work without me until this crisis > is over. > > FAVORING MICHAEL CROW: The scriptwriter always plays favorites. > MICHAEL > No, Kitt. I had a lot of partners > when I was a cop... MIKE: [as Michael] "A great many of them died due to my incompetence, but..." > (beat) > You're the best of all of them. > > K.I.T.T. > (after a > moment) > Thank you, Michael. I, of course, > can make no such generalization > about you. CROW: [as Kitt] "Because as you know I'm an unfeeling machine, damnit." > However, I project odds > of a thousand to one against my > meeting a more compatible human than > yourself. > > MICHAEL > (touched) > Thank you.... TOM: Michael breaks down in tears, Devon offers him a handkerchief. MIKE: Everybody averts their eyes, embarrassed. > Michael pulls up a chair, sits next to K.I.T.T. > > MICHAEL > Okay, partner. Maybe you've got > some ideas about that other car. > You know...some chinks in its armor? CROW: [as Kitt] "My sensors showed no flaws in the outer body--" MIKE: [as Michael] "Cut the I'm-a-machine-I-don't-understand-idioms crap for a minute, okay, Kitt?" > K.I.T.T. > I have insufficient data to be > certain, Michael. However, since > Karr is as powerful and as nearly > indestructible as myself, Zeno's > Paradoxes should be a factor. TOM: What, all of them? > MICHAEL > Zeno? > > DEVON > The Greek philosopher and scientist, > 335-263 BC. > > K.I.T.T. > Very good, Mr. Miles. CROW: [as Kitt] "I think I'll kill you last." > MICHAEL > I don't get it. MIKE: I'm not surprised. > K.I.T.T. > Michael, Zeno first postulated a > question which my twin would cer- > tainly be aware of; to wit: TOM: [as Kitt] "'How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?'" > 'What would happen if an irresistible > force met an immovable object?' > > MICHAEL > Yeah...yeah...you're right. MIKE: [as Michael] "That is soooo deep." > BONNIE > So what's the answer, Kitt? > > K.I.T.T. > No one knows, Bonnie. No one knows. CROW: [as Kitt] "It's a _paradox._ Weren't you listening, bitch?" > As they all chew on that, we: TOM: Change the channel. > CUT TO > > EXT. BANK - DAY - INSERT > > We hold on the building's staid looking sign...as we > gradually hear a high-pitched whine. CROW: Hey, that rhymes! > NEW ANGLE - STOCK > > as K.A.R.R. roars into view, smashes through the wall of > the bank. MIKE: "Hey, Kool-Aid!" TOM: "OH YEAH!" CROW: It's the Knight Organization Operational Lightweight Action-- MIKE: Knock it off. CROW: That begins with a K too! The Knight Night-- [Mike smacks him. Hard.] > ALARMS RINGING - STOCK > > TONY AND REV > > in their warehouse hideout, happily counting money. TOM: [Transylvanian accent] "ONE hundred dollars! Ha ha ha -- TWO hundred dollars!" > EXT. COIN SHOP - DAY - INSERT > > with signs advertising "We Buy and Sell Gold", etc. MIKE: "We Buy and Sell Gold" -- "We Rip Off Little Kids" -- "We shave legs off of Buffalo quarters like the kid on 'Silver Spoons.'" > We hear that familiar sound again.... > > K.A.R.R. - STOCK TOM: "It's the sound of STOCK K.A.R.R. racing at the SPECTRUM!spectrum!(spectrum!)..." > Camera adjusts as K.A.R.R. careens around the corner, wipes > out the wall of the store. CROW: Karr takes a licking and keeps on ticking. > MORE ALARMS - STOCK > > TONY AND REV > > Playing with coins like Uncle Scrooge. MIKE: And stupidly hurting themselves in the process. TOM: [as Rev] "But when Uncle Scrooge does it he just dives right through them!" > EXT. BROKERAGE FIRM - DAY - INSERT > > A sign proclaims, "Member N.Y. Stock Exchange". > > K.A.R.R. - STOCK > > Roar...zoom...wham! TOM: "Biff...sock...pow!" > K.A.R.R. is bullish on the stock > market! CROW: [deadpan] Ha. That's funny. MIKE: Pity the television viewers won't get to see that. > CUT TO > > EXT. FOUNDATION - DAY - TO ESTABLISH > > DEVON'S VOICE TOM: Not Devon -- just his voice. > Again and again they've struck.... > > INT. DEVON'S OFFICE - DAY > > Devon and Michael and Bonnie are looking at a map on Devon's > desk. X's mark K.A.R.R.'s rampages. > > DEVON > The fact that no one has been hurt > is either a miracle or a coincidence > ...We cannot assume a continuance of > either. MIKE: [as Michael] "All right, Devon. Kitt's not around. You can quit using all the 50-cent words." > MICHAEL > So what do we do? CROW: [as Devon] "We catch the next flight to Borneo." > Devon and Bonnie exchange a look. CROW: [as Devon] "Here, I don't like my look. Can I have yours?" TOM: [as Bonnie] "Oh, sure. I'm not using it right now." > Devon turns to Michael. > > DEVON > There is one approach, Michael...but > there is a great deal of danger > involved...to you and to Kitt. > > MICHAEL > Go on. MIKE: [as Michael] "Pull the other one." > BONNIE > We all know that Kitt...and Karr... > are made of a virtually indestructible > alloy...Hardly anything could damage > either car. Hardly anything...except > this. CROW: A valet parking attendant! > Bonnie takes a tarpaulin off of an object on a workbench. > It's a maze of coils and tubing the size of a typewriter. MIKE: Or whatever that is. TOM: [singing] "All my tubes and wires and careful notes!" > MICHAEL > Looks like a neon barber pole. CROW: And you look like a moron. > BONNIE > It's a resonating laser, Michael... > powerful enough to send a burst of > energy directly into Karr's only > vulnerable spot.... > > She points to a sketch of K.A.R.R. TOM: [as Bonnie] "His _picture!_" > BONNIE > ...the front scanner...here. > > DEVON > As the scanner is protected by an > alloy grill, only a dead-on shot > will work...and then the scanner > will blow...and with it, MIKE: [as Devon] "Baby, cradle and all." > all of > Karr's systems. It will become an > immobile hunk of metal. Bonnie? > > Bonnie takes Devon's cue, TOM: And banks the eight ball off the twelve and into the corner pocket, winning the game. CROW: [as Devon] "Damn and blast!" > adjusts a "target" TOM: They _call_ it a "target," and I guess anything you aim at is technically a target, but it would more appropriately be called a "puppy dog." > in a vise-like > holder, steps back, activates the laser. Zap! The target > smolders, sparks. MIKE: Lights the drapes on fire. TOM: Safety is not the number one concern at Knight Industries. > MICHAEL > Very impressive. What about anyone > inside the car? CROW: [as Devon] "Oh, they're toast." > DEVON > They'll come to a rather jolting halt, > but other than that, they shouldn't be > harmed. > > MICHAEL > Okay. It sounds doable...so why the > long faces? TOM: [as Devon] "We're overdue for some plastic surgery." > DEVON > Michael, to perform this task, you > and Kitt must be directly in front > of Karr. For maximum effect, you > must fire the laser from a distance > of no more than 100 yards. And you > must hold the last on target for > two full seconds. > > FAVORING MICHAEL > > as awareness dawns. MIKE: For possibly the first time ever. CROW: Evolution in action! > MICHAEL > (slowly) MIKE: [as Michael] "Ooooooooooonnneeee huuuuuuuunnnnddrrrr...." > One hundred yards? Two seconds? > But Kitt...and Karr...can travel 100 > yards... > (thinking) > ...in...about two seconds! TOM: So, after one second, they'll collide. CROW: Works for me. > DEVON > (dryly) > That's basically the problem. And > by the way...the laser is only good > for one shot. TOM: [as Bonnie] "So we'll have to start building another one right away." > MICHAEL > (beat) > I...think I'm going to sit down for > a while. MIKE: [as Michael] "Then I might go for a walk. After that -- ice dancing!" > CUT TO > > EXT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE - NIGHT > > Boarded up, painted with graffiti. A beat. K.A.R.R. turns > the corner, pulls up. The Rev gets out, opens the > warehouse door. K.A.R.R. drives inside. The Rev locks up > from the inside. CROW: They lock their door from the inside? How novel! > INT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT - TIGHT ON A TABLE MIKE: "Tight on a Table?" TOM: The titles of these Harlequin Romances are getting more and more explicit. > as a bag of stocks, gold and money is poured down on it. > We widen as Tony and the Rev literally wallow in it. TOM: Don't say wallow. MIKE: Especially not literally. > TONY > Welcome to easy street! > > REV > Easy street? It's automobile > heaven, right, Karr? > > NEW ANGLE > > revealing that K.A.R.R. is parked nearby, just on the other > side of a partition between the office and the warehouse > proper. CROW: Karr gets the warehouse all to himself. TOM: It's only proper. He is the brains of the operation. > K.A.R.R. > I am unfamiliar with your reference, > Rev. However, there is no cause for > celebration. We have a problem. > > Tony and the Rev sober, move to the car. MIKE: The Rev took a twelve step program during the montage. > TONY > A problem? Like...what problem? TOM: [as Karr] "I don't believe in automobile heaven." > K.A.R.R. > I have analyzed my self-monitors, > and my Beta and Lambda circuits are > in need of realignment. CROW: [as Karr] "In addition, my Omega-Mu circuits are all flapdoodle on the jim-jam." > Also, the > fibre optics in my scanners have > suffered a twenty percent reduction > in opacity... MIKE: [as Karr] "Resulting in a clearer signal, which just won't do." > probably due to my long > incarceration. TOM: No, it's probably due to the fact that you keep driving into walls and stuff. > REV > Whattya want, a tune-up or something? > > K.A.R.R. > Hardly. I require attention from an > experienced cybernetic technician. > > TONY > Cyber...? MIKE: [as Tony] "Has that word even been invented yet?" > Where do we find one of them? > > K.A.R.R. > We have seen a car similar to myself > ...since I am the prototype, it is > most likely an inferior production > line copy. CROW: Damn, someone's a little elitist, isn't he? > However, someone must > own it and therefore, maintain it. TOM: Unless of course they don't. CROW: [as Kitt] "Michael, could you clean those bird droppings off my roof?" MIKE: [as Michael] "Bite me, Kitt." > By following this line of reasoning, > we can locate the individual who > cares for that other vehicle. MIKE: Thanks for the logic lesson, Karr. Now can you state that in the form of a syllogism? > TONY > Sure, sure. I was just gonna say > that. CROW: [as Karr] "Learn your lines, Tony. I can't feed them all to you." > K.A.R.R. > Then you can get that person and > bring them here. > > REV > We can't do that! MIKE: [as Rev] "Because a person is singular." > K.A.R.R. > Why? Is there a problem? > > REV > Yeah! It's called kidnapping! > > K.A.R.R. > I am unfamiliar with that term. I > only know that I require skilled > maintenance. TOM: [as Karr] "And I doubt a sleeping child would be able to do the job right." > Tony takes the Rev by the arm, leads him away. > > TONY > You're gettin' a conscience kinda > late in the game, you know that? > > REV > Tony, I know I'm no saint...but > nothing we've done has hurt anybody CROW: [as Tony] "That's because we haven't tried hard enough." > ...but we're talking about just > grabbing somebody and.... MIKE: [as Rev] "Making them perform auto repair! They might get a cut or something." > TONY > Okay, okay...relax...we won't do it. TOM: [as Tony] "When we want to sock it to it." > REV > We won't? But Karr --- > > TONY > Leave it to me. It talks good but > it's about as smart as a toaster. TOM: Hey, I've known some pretty smart toasters in my day. > I'll buy him some spark plugs and > he'll be happy. Then, when he's in > tip-top shape, MIKE: [as Tony] "We'll finally get one of those Tip Top Tent things." > we pull one big job > ...and then it's flyin' down to Rio > for you-o and me-o... CROW: [as Tony] "We'll be dancin' on the sand-o!" > (slapping > his shoulder) > Whattya say? MIKE: [as Rev] "I say ow. Not so hard." > REV > Okay. Okay. I like that. > > TONY > Okay. You get some rest. I'll break > the news to motor mouth. TOM: [deadpan] Ha ha. CROW: [deadpan] 'Cause, see, he has a motor...and...yeah. > Rev moves further into the office part of the warehouse. > Tony goes over to K.A.R.R. > > TONY > Okay, Karr, you want a technician... > I'll get you a technician. TOM: [as Tony] "I'll get you such a technician!" > CUT TO > > INT. DEVON'S OFFICE - DAY > > Devon is showing Michael some blueprints. MIKE: [as Michael] "He lives inside this piece of paper?" > DEVON > Once the laser is calibrated, > Michael, either you or Kitt will be > able to fire it...The triggering > mechanism is simple, as you can > see.... CROW: [as Devon] "Otherwise you wouldn't be able to do jack dinky with it." > MICHAEL > Devon, I don't know what bothers me > more...the fact that this is a long > shot...or the fact that I'm stupid > enough to try it. MIKE: And I don't know which surprises me less. > Devon smiles. Suddenly alarms begin ringing. TOM: Oh, my God. Devon's face alarm has gone off! > MICHAEL > That's the security system! > > Devon picks up the phone. TOM: [as Devon] "Get me my plastic surgeon, stat! I have a face emergency!" > DEVON > (surprised) > Dead...! > > He starts hitting the phone buttons, frustrated. CROW: [as Devon] "Usually, if you punch them hard enough, it starts working again." > Michael activates his wrist comlink. > > MICHAEL > (into comlink) > Kitt, where are you? MIKE: [Scooby Doo] "Rover here!" > EXT. TIGHT ON K.I.T.T. - IN PARKING SPACE - DAY > > Behind a sign, "Reserved for Michael Knight." > > K.I.T.T. > I'm in your parking space, > Michael...Where else would I be? CROW: [as Kitt] "Dork." > MICHAEL > Pick me up at the main building. > Something's going on. > > K.I.T.T. > Very well. TOM: [as Kitt] "Your wish is my freaking command." > K.I.T.T. backs out of the space, drives off. MIKE: ...The studio lot, never to be seen again. TOM: [as Kitt] "So long, suckers!" > INT. DEVON'S OFFICE > > The phone lights return. Before Devon can dial, it rings. > > DEVON > What the devil's going on? MIKE: [as Michael] "It seems to me like the phone's ringing, but you're the genius." > PHONE VOICE > We tried to stop it, Mr. Miles...but > it ran the main gate.... MIKE: [as Michael] "Whoa, you didn't even pick it up! What _is_ going on?!" > DEVON > What ran the main gate? TOM: [as Phone Voice] "A rogue elephant with a red light on the front! It was really weird!" > PHONE VOICE > The car, Mr. Miles...the car...! CROW: "Sing it." TOM: [in a high-pitched voice] "The caa...the ca..." CROW: "Plenty of time." > Devon and Michael exchange a look, run out of the office. > > INT. SEMI - DAY > > Bonnie is working on the laser. She looks up, hearing the > sound of the security alarms. Picks up the phone. MIKE: Orders a pizza. > BONNIE > Security? This is Doctor Barstow. > What's happening with the alarm system? TOM: [as Bonnie] "Should I be alarmed or what?" > Behind Bonnie, the door creaks open. Who should be there > but Tony. CROW: I don't know. Who? > He grabs Bonnie from behind, TOM: Bonnie's got back. > drags her out of > the semi. The phone dangles, swings back and forth. MIKE: Which would be poignant if she were on the phone with somebody we cared about. > EXT. FOUNDATION - MAIN BUILDING > > Devon and Michael run down the steps, come out the door. > > MICHAEL > (into comlink) > Kitt! Come on! MIKE: [as Michael] "If I don't get that video back to the store on time I'll get charged a late fee!" > DEVON > There he is --- ! > > They look off at --- TOM: A row of three dashes? > APPROACHING CAR - ZOOM SHOT > > Black...a red scanning light on the hood... MIKE: Somewhere a child cries itself to sleep... > but in the front > seat, Tony, struggles to restrain Bonnie! CROW: [as Bonnie] "I'll never marry you, never!" TOM: Will Dudley Do-Right make it to the scene in time? > BACK TO SCENE > > MICHAEL > That's not Kitt! > > The car roars past. Michael leaps onto the roof, is swept > out of the shot. MIKE: Took some tips from T.J. Hooker, I guess. TOM: [gruff] "Hooker's a good cop!" > INT. K.A.R.R. > > Tony struggles with Bonnie while he tries to see. CROW: [as Tony] "Down in front! This is the good part!" > TONY > Karr! Get rid of this guy! > > K.A.R.R. > Very well. MIKE: [as Tony] "No, I want you to do it poorly." > INSERT - PANEL > > As it changes to "AUTO CRUISE." > > EXT. FOUNDATION > > K.I.T.T. roars up to Devon. CROW: [as Kitt] "Grr! I'm a lion today!" > DEVON > (pointing) > Kitt! Karr was here! TOM: And Kilroy can't be far behind! CROW: The Knight Intelligent Lubricated Robotic Ontological... Yyyy... MIKE: Time's up. I was going to let you have that one. TOM: But he's not a robot that has emotions! He's not what you see! > It's got > Bonnie and Michael! CROW: [as Devon] "Can you run along and make sure he keeps them?" > K.I.T.T. roars off in the direction indicated. > > EXT. OUTSIDE FOUNDATION GROUNDS - DAY > > K.A.R.R. swerves into the shot, TOM: Killing an entire camera crew. > accelerates. > > K.A.R.R.'S SPEEDOMETER > > rising alarmingly. MIKE: Audience members wonder openly, will the speedometer break? How will Karr know how fast he's driving? > MICHAEL - ON ROOF > > Sliding up and over the roof...hanging on for dear life... CROW: I don't consider his life to be that dear. > one of his hands slip.... ALL: Yay! > EXT. ROAD - DAY > > K.A.R.R. swerves wildly at breakneck speed, trying to > dislodge Michael. The car swerves close to some bushes. > (or crashes a fence - director and location permitting) TOM: Oh, no. You never leave stuff like that up to the director. > MICHAEL > > ducking to avoid being swept overboard. CROW: What, is he on a boat all of a sudden? > He hits the wrist comlink. > > K.I.T.T. > > Swinging into the location where we saw K.A.R.R. in shot > 93F1. TOM: Rockin' hits! CROW: Turn your crank to Frank. > EXT./INT. K.A.R.R. - DAY - TRAVELING > > Michael has now slipped onto the back of the car. > > BONNIE > Stop! You'll kill him! TOM: [as Karr] "That's kind of the idea." > Tony starts to bind her hands with his belt as the car > continues its wild gyrations. CROW: Karr would really clean up on "Dance Fever." > ON MICHAEL > > In pain...losing his grip...then hope rises as he sees.... MIKE: The smile of an innocent child. > K.I.T.T. - HIS POINT OF VIEW > > coming up quickly from behind. > > K.I.T.T. > Michael, I'm getting in position... > Get ready to jump. CROW: [as Kitt] "Sucker." > THE SCENE > > Just before he would fall anyway, Michael gathers his legs, > under him, TOM: As opposed to the ones above him. > leaps from the rear of K.A.R.R. onto the hood of > K.I.T.T. Immediately, K.I.T.T. makes a U-turn, TOM: Throwing Michael to the ground. MIKE: [as Michael] "Ouchie!" > slows. > > ON MICHAEL > > looking after the escaping car, frustrated. CROW: Okay, David, hold that frustration. Okay, beautiful! > FREEZE FRAME > > FADE OUT > > END OF ACT THREE [Ka-thunk...2...3...4...5...6...SoL Bridge. Crow is manning a booth which displays a large glass jar filled with circus peanuts. In the next booth, Tom is making salt-water taffy. Crow sounds like a seasoned carnival barker.] CROW: Step right up, step right up! Guess the number of circus peanuts in the jar! Just one dollar! Don't be shy, step right up and guess the number of circus peanuts in the jar! [Mike walks up to the booths.] CROW: You, sir! Would you like to guess the number of circus peanuts in the jar? MIKE: No. CROW: Are you sure? It's just one dollar. MIKE: I'm sure. CROW: Oh, but sir, if you guess correctly, you win a fabulous prize! MIKE: No, thanks. I'm just here to buy some of Tom's taffy. TOM: Uhh, it's not quite ready yet. I still have to pull it. MIKE: All right, I'll wait. [Mike waits as Tom starts pulling the taffy. Crow clears his throat. Mike ignores him.] CROW: Sir, while you're waiting for your taffy, perhaps you would like to guess the number of circus peanuts in the jar. MIKE: As a matter of fact, I would not. [Tom starts to pull the taffy out of frame. Neither Mike nor Crow notice.] CROW: [breaking character] Oh, come on. Why not? After I went to all the trouble of buying the circus peanuts and the jar. Tom bought a taffy-making machine and you're patronizing him. The least you could do is make one measly guess at how many circus peanuts I have here. MIKE: Oh, all right. It's just a dollar? CROW: One dollar a guess, that's right. [Mike takes out a dollar and puts it on the counter. Crow immediately snatches it up and puts it under the counter.] MIKE: By the way, what's the fabulous prize? CROW: The what? [The taffy is getting quite taut. We can hear Tom starting to struggle with it.] MIKE: You said if I guessed correctly, I would win a fabulous prize. CROW: Oh, right. Yes, you do. MIKE: So what do I win for guessing the number of circus peanuts in this jar? CROW: Umm... A jar full of circus peanuts? MIKE: Crow, do you even know what circus peanuts taste like? CROW: No, what? MIKE: Well they're sort of like bubble gum, and sort of like the ichor of hell. CROW: I see. And what, you don't like bubble gum? [Mike thinks for a moment and then promptly exits.] CROW: Wait! You forgot to take your guess! Oh, well. At least I got his dollar -- and that's what the carnival is all about. Right, Tom? [looks around] Tom? [looks at the taffy, which is stretched to the breaking point] Tom, what are you-- TOM: [out of frame] Uh oh. [But instead of breaking, the taffy suddenly contracts, hurtling Tom in the direction of Crow's booth.] TOM: MOMMYYYYY! [The lights flash. Crow screams.] CROW: AHHHHHH! [Planet logo, with the sound of a horrendous crash over it.] Discount inkjet cartridges -- in your pants! [Theater] > ACT FOUR > > FADE IN > > OMITTED CROW: Now that's uncalled for! > EXT. K.I.T.T. - DAY - ON FREEWAY > > traveling along. TOM: [as Kitt] "Do-de-do-do-do. Just traveling along. No destination in mind. I'm just traveling." > INT. K.I.T.T. - DAY > > as Michael drives. CROW: Straight into a bus. The end! MIKE: We wish. > MICHAEL > Anything? > > INSERT - K.I.T.T.'S SCANNER SCREEN > > showing a radar-like screen superimposed over a city map. > > K.I.T.T. > No, Michael. CROW: [as Kitt] "There's no sign of your hair stylist anywhere." > INT. K.I.T.T. > > K.I.T.T. > Except for that brief reading on that > other highway, I have had no indica- > tion of Karr. > > MICHAEL > Let's try a new direction. MIKE: [as Michael] "From here on in, the whole show is in interpretive dance. Whattaya think?" > How's the laser holding up? > > K.I.T.T. > It's a rather tight fit but otherwise > it's fine. MIKE: [as Michael] "Maybe it shrunk in the wash." > But I must point out that > it cannot be fired until it is properly > calibrated TOM: Oh, it can be fired. It'll probably just hit a school or something. > ...and Bonnie is the only > one who can do that. > > MICHAEL > She'll take care of it when we find > her. > > K.I.T.T. > You mean, if we find her. > > MICHAEL > Be positive, Kitt. Be positive. CROW: You mean affirmative. > EXT. K.I.T.T. > > as it turns in a new direction. > > EXT. WAREHOUSE - DAY - TO ESTABLISH TOM: The fact that it's still there. > INT. WAREHOUSE - DAY > > Bonnie is inside K.A.R.R. She stifles a yawn, continues > working on some panels. She hesitates...gets a glint in > her eye... MIKE: Goes to the sink to wash the glint out... > reaches out with a screwdriver.... > > NEW ANGLE > > She sticks the tool in a panel...suddenly sparks fly up > near her other hand. CROW: It's a complicated kind of reflex test. > She cries out, holds her wrist. TOM: Jabs the screwdriver into her thumb. > K.A.R.R. > Do not attempt to sabotage me again. > I will defend myself. > > TONY'S VOICE > He means it, sweetheart. CROW: Tony is still working on the concept of good cop, bad car. > She looks over at: > > HER POINT OF VIEW - TONY > > in the "office" area, with a map and a newspaper. He > gestures to some greasy-looking food. MIKE: Can't be any more specific than that, can you? TOM: "Try our delicious, greasy-looking food." > TONY > Want some, babe? > > THE SCENE > > BONNIE > No thanks. Michael Knight wouldn't > even eat that stuff. CROW: [as Bonnie] "Much less do what you're doing with it." > TONY > Who's Michael Knight? TOM: [as Bonnie] "Some idiot we found in the desert." > BONNIE > When you find out, you'll wish you > never asked. > > The Rev appears, yawning. CROW: Another miracle! MIKE: Materializing out of thin air is very tiring. > REV > Hey, Tony...I didn't think you liked > talking to.... > > He stops, seeing.... > > NEW ANGLE - FAVORING BONNIE TOM: [as Rev] "I'm seeing Bonnie in a whole new light." > REV > Karr...Tony...who's she? > > TONY > (rising) > Rev, look.... CROW: [as Tony] "Karr and I got kinda wasted last night and somehow ended up married to this woman." > REV > (pushing > him away) > You kidnapped her, didn't you? You > lied to me and you still went out > and did it! MIKE: [as Rev] "It's almost as if I can't trust you!" > TONY > Rev...come on...look.... > > He indicates the newspaper and map. TOM: [as Tony] "It's the paper! I know you like to do the crossword first. And here's a map of Burkina Faso to color. Now go play." > TONY > This is the big score, right here.... > > REV > I don't care about any big score! MIKE: [as Rev] "Even if I rolled a perfect 300, I don't want the damn trophy!" > This has gone too far! > > ON BONNIE > > watching all this, interested. CROW: Bonnie has a low entertainment standard. > She turns to K.A.R.R. as > the two thieves continue bickering. > > BONNIE > Karr, I'd like to check out your > video system...do you mind? CROW: [as Bonnie] "I promise I won't do anything sneaky-like." > K.A.R.R. > You have permission. > > She gets in the car, makes an adjustment. MIKE: [as Bonnie] "There, now I can reach the pedals." > HER POINT OF VIEW - VIDEO SCREENS > > as the newspaper fills the screen. A circled article > reads, "GEMS FOR MUSEUM SHOW ARRIVE TODAY." > > CLOSE SHOT - BONNIE > > Her eyes widen in realization. TOM: [as Bonnie] "I forgot to tape 'Dynasty'!" > CUT TO > > OMITTED > > EXT. STREET - DAY > > K.I.T.T. drives slowly down the block. MIKE: Somebody's not in any hurry. > INT. K.I.T.T. - TIGHT ON SCREEN > > as a light blinks over a computerized city map. > > K.I.T.T.'S VOICE > Michael, I'm scanning Karr's emissions. CROW: [as Kitt] "He should really get that exhaust system looked at." > Eighty degrees southeast. > > INT. K.I.T.T. - WIDER TOM: Wider is better! > K.I.T.T. > We need to make two more circuits of > the area to triangulate it, Michael. > > MICHAEL > You got it. CROW: [as Kitt] "No, we have to do two more circuits before I've got it. Idiot." > They turn onto another street. > > CUT TO > > INT. WAREHOUSE - DAY > > Tony and Rev are still at it. TOM: Yeah, they're still at the warehouse. So? > REV > You're not the man I knew anymore, > Tony. It's that car, Tony...that > car that's changed you.... MIKE: [as Tony] "He has a _name,_ you know!" > TONY > Don't give me that holy stuff again, > Rev -- I ain't changed --- > > REV > Tony...do you know what Lucifer did, > up in heaven -- before he fell? CROW: [as Tony] "Stepped on a banana peel?" > TONY > Rev --- > > REV > He built a machine, Tony -- an > infernal machine! TOM: Actually, the scriptures refer to it as a "dagblasted contraption." > And we've got to > stop that machine, before it's too > late -- the police will know what to > do --- > > He moves away. Tony grabs his arm. > > TONY > Yo, yo, what's this police stuff -- ? MIKE: [as Tony] "Have you been seeing the police on the side?" > BONNIE > > taking advantage of their distraction, she begins to slowly > slip away from both of them and the car. > > BACK TO SCENE > > REV > Let go of me, Tony...it's for our > own good. CROW: [as Rev] "You'll like jail. It's where I got religion!" > TONY > Like hell! What about all the money? > > REV > I don't care about the money, Tony! TOM: [as Tony] "You don't? Woo hoo! It's all mine!!!" > I care about your immortal soul! MIKE: [as Tony] "Didn't you hear me? I just said I 'like hell!'" > He breaks away from Tony...turns...and then as Tony > suddenly, savagely smashes down with a table lamp: TOM: Amazingly, the down doesn't break! Another setback for Tony. > THE REV > > as he falls across the table it crashes to the floor. The > Rev groans on the floor, then moves. CROW: To Tulsa, Oklahoma, where he opens his own church and lives happily ever after. TOM: Come to the Church of Rev. Communion served every five minutes. > Tony raises the lamp > again...then he hears the sound of echoing footsteps. He > turns, sees --- > > HIS POINT OF VIEW - BONNIE > > at the far end of the warehouse, making her break for it. MIKE: [as Tony] "Hey, did I say you could take a break?" > BACK TO SCENE > > Tony drops the lamp, runs to K.A.R.R. TOM: [as Tony] "Oh, crap. Do you have any crazy glue?" > TONY > You hunk of tin! Didn't you see her? CROW: [as Tony] "I don't admire you anymore." > K.A.R.R. > I was watching you deactivate the > Rev. Was he malfunctioning? TOM: [as Karr] "I'm a computer, you know." CROW: [Number Five] "No disassemble!" > TONY > Come on! > > They back out, turn. MIKE: [as Karr] "This might go faster if you got in." > INT. WAREHOUSE > > Bonnie turns to flee...there's nowhere to go...and then: > > NEW ANGLE - K.I.T.T. > > comes crashing through the warehouse door! TOM: It's exciting, damnit! Really! > ON BONNIE > > BONNIE > Michael! MIKE: Janet! CROW: Dr. Scott! TOM: Janet! CROW: Brad! MIKE: Rocky! ALL: Uhh! > K.I.T.T. slams to a halt beside her. TOM: [as Bonnie] "Oh, I should have told you, I removed your brakes to make room for that laser thing." > BONNIE > What kept you? > > MICHAEL > Traffic was murder. Get in! MIKE: [as Michael] "Ahh, I like my little jokes." > She starts for the passenger door...an o.s. screech > attracts their attention. CROW: Oh, it's just the sound of Windows crashing. > NEW ANGLE > > K.A.R.R. is barreling towards them. > > MICHAEL > Bonnie, take cover! MIKE: [as Michael] "Find a barrel to duck into or something!" > Michael swings K.I.T.T. around to protect her. She dives > for the floor. K.A.R.R. swerves wildly around K.I.T.T., > smashes through some crates, then vanishes through the > already unhinged warehouse door. CROW: That warehouse door should look into getting therapy. > Bonnie catches her > breath, gets in the car. > > BONNIE > He jumped his buddy.... TOM: It was a game of checkers gone horribly wrong. > MICHAEL > I'll call an ambulance.... > > BONNIE > Do it on the way. > > MICHAEL > On the way to where? CROW: [singing] "On the way to Cape May." > BONNIE > The Gems for the museum exhibit... > that's where they're going! TOM: Why are the Gems capitalized? MIKE: Because they're _The_ Gems. CROW: Then why isn't it "The Museum"? MIKE: It just isn't. Shut up. > CUT TO > > EXT. STREET - DAY - K.I.T.T. - RUNBY > > MICHAEL'S VOICE > (filtered, > over phone) > Devon, this is Michael.... MIKE: [as Michael] "Do you have Prince Albert in a can?" > DEVON'S VOICE > (filtered) > Michael! Did you find Bonnie? Is > she --- MIKE: [as Michael] "Lying over the ocean? I'm afraid she is." TOM: [as Devon] "Well, could you bring back my Bonnie to me?" > MICHAEL'S VOICE > (filtered) > She's fine, Devon...she's with me > now. MIKE: [as Michael] "Which means she will be in immediate danger again very soon, but right now she's fine." > But Karr's going after the > jewels for the new museum exhibit. > > DEVON'S VOICE > (filtered) > The jewels for the exhibit...? TOM: [as Devon] "You mean... The Gems?" > They'd still be in the county > warehouse... MIKE: County warehouse? You're just making this up as you go along, aren't you? > I'll meet you there with > reinforcements! > > CUT TO > > EXT. MUSEUM WAREHOUSE > > A sign proclaims "COUNTY MUSEUM - SHIPPING AND RECEIVING" TOM: "Knight Rider" -- set in County, U.S.A. > EXT. STREET - DAY - K.A.R.R. > > comes around a bend. > > NEW ANGLE - SLOW MOTION > > as K.A.R.R. crashes through the wall of the warehouse. CROW: Is the slow motion really necessary? We've seen this a dozen times already this episode. > INT. WAREHOUSE > > K.A.R.R. skids to a halt amidst statues, armor, crates > and gem cabinets. TOM: Hitting none of them in the process. Riiight. > Several security guards recover their > composure, open fire on K.A.R.R. > > CLOSE SHOTS - K.A.R.R. > > as the bullets bounce off harmlessly. CROW: Pwing! TOM: "There goes a Ming Dynasty vase!" CROW: Pwing! MIKE: "Oh, no! Not the Picasso!" > Behind the wheel, > Tony laughs, puts the car in gear. CROW: [as Tony] "Getting shot at is fun! Ooh, second!" > MUSEUM WAREHOUSE > > K.A.R.R. spins around in a 180o, pushes a huge shipping > crate towards the guard. TOM: The only one left alive after the melee, it seems. > It traps them in a corner. CROW: Or not. MIKE: Well..."them" is becoming accepted as a gender-neutral pronoun. Maybe it's just open casting. > CLOSER - TONY > > Tony jumps out of the car. He smashes several crates until > one spills out jewels, tiaras, etc. CROW: They really pack 'em well, don't they? TOM: You can tell they're valuable. > He starts to load > these into K.A.R.R.'s trunk. MIKE: [as Tony] "Yes, only the best smashed-up crates for me!" > EXT. WAREHOUSE - DAY > > Several police cars have pulled up. Devon pulls up in an > unmarked car with a bureaucrat-type, who points out the > police Captain. CROW: [as bureaucrat-type] "Do I get any lines?" TOM: [as Devon] "No." > DEVON > Captain, I'm Mr. Miles. MIKE: [as Devon] "I give miles of smiles." > CAPTAIN > You got any ideas about how to handle > that streamlined tank in there? > > DEVON > Yes. > (pause) CROW: [as Devon] "But they'll cost you." > Get out of its way. And get all > these people to a safe area. > > CAPTAIN > That's all the help you can give me? > > Devon looks up at the sound of a familiar engine. TOM: [as Devon] "It's the 5:11 out of Barstow! Right on time." > DEVON'S POINT OF VIEW - STREET > > as K.I.T.T. comes into view. > > BACK TO SCENE > > Devon smiles, turns to the officer. MIKE: [as officer] "What's that ringing sound?" TOM: [as Devon] "Oh, sorry. My damned face alarm again." > DEVON > No. Not quite all. > > The cops watch as Michael pulls up beside Devon. Michael > leans out. > > MICHAEL > Are we too late? > > DEVON > They're still inside. MIKE: [as Michael] "Damn." > MICHAEL > Kitt, are you ready? TOM: "Are you ready to RUMBLLLLLE?" > K.I.T.T. > Aren't I always? > > MICHAEL > Bonnie, you'd better get out. MIKE: [as Michael] "After all, you're only a girl." > BONNIE > Like hell, Michael. This laser > has never been calibrated. I'm > the only one who can fire it that > way. CROW: [as Bonnie] "You can't write me out of the script that easily." > Even Kitt can't do it. > > K.I.T.T. > She's right, Michael. TOM: [as Kitt] "I'm totally useless to you. My existence is a lie." > MICHAEL > Ah...you always liked her better. > > Michael guns the car, spins around, backs away from the > warehouse. Spins around again. CROW: Does a curtsy. > Revs the engines. MIKE: No, Rev's the drunk. > THE COPS > > move out of the way. The light pedestrian traffic stops, > watches. CROW: [as light pedestrian] "Oh, look, dear. Moving cops." TOM: [as other light pedestrian] "Ooh, let's watch." > EXT. WAREHOUSE - K.I.T.T. > > roars forward. TOM: [as Kitt] "Brum, brummm." > NEW ANGLE - SLOW MOTION > > Before K.I.T.T. has reached the warehouse, K.A.R.R. roars > out, CROW: [as Karr] "BBBBBBBrrrrrrrruuuuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmmm." > sails over K.I.T.T. -- lands beyond it. > > K.I.T.T. > > slamming on the brakes, skidding and sliding to a halt > against the warehouse wall. MIKE: Wham! TOM: Looks like he'll need a new paint job after all. > THE SCENE > > K.A.R.R. does a 180o. Both cars are only a few feet apart, > slightly diagonal to each other. The observers murmur. MIKE & CROW: [as Observers] "These cars are as amoebae to us." > ANGLE ON FRONT SCANNERS TOM: Look out! They're going to try to make each other's heads explode! > of both cars as they pivot back and forth. > > THE SCENE > > K.A.R.R. > The woman spoke of you, Kitt. CROW: [as Karr] "She said you were a total puss." > It is interesting to meet you. > > K.I.T.T. > It is interesting to meet you, Karr. > Until now, I thought I was one of a > kind. MIKE: Actually, you found that out a couple days ago. > K.A.R.R. > To be one of a kind is very special > ...But to be two of a kind is special > also. CROW: "I'm Kitt!" TOM: "I'm Karr!" CROW & TOM: "We're two of a kind!" CROW: "I'm a little bit nicer..." TOM: "And I've got an evil mind!" > K.I.T.T. > Yes. Perhaps even more special, Karr. > Perhaps even more. > > INT. K.A.R.R. > > Tony (who isn't driving anyway) MIKE: [sarcastic] Oh, thanks for clearing _that_ up. > points on the dashboard. > > TONY > Karr! Forget the family reunion. Get > out of here! > > INT. K.I.T.T. > > MICHAEL > The laser --- TOM: [as Bonnie] "Oh, yeah. I forgot the whole reason we're here." > Bonnie holds a joystick, looks at K.I.T.T.'s screen where a > target sight appears. > > BONNIE > We have to be dead center...! Go to > your left. > > THE SCENE > > Michael moves K.I.T.T. MIKE: [as Kitt] "Wild thing, I think you move me." > but K.A.R.R. does the same. CROW: Karr also moves Kitt? MIKE: That's just weird. > Both cars circle each other. TOM: [as Karr] "I'm circling you!" CROW: [as Kitt] "No, I'm circling you!" > Bonnie keeps trying to get a clear shot...can't. CROW: Why is Bonnie in the car again? MIKE: Because she's the only one who can aim the laser. TOM: She's doing a bang-up job so far. > K.I.T.T. > Karr, please desist from your > actions. Many people may be hurt. > > K.A.R.R. > That is no concern of mine. TOM: [as Karr] "I'm insured." > If I desist what will become of me? > > K.I.T.T. > You will be deactivated, of course. CROW: [as Kitt] "Duh." > K.A.R.R. > Then this conversation is nonpro- > ductive. > > K.A.R.R. spins around, roars away. > > OMITTED > > K.A.R.R. - HEAD-ON > > Even now roaring towards the camera... MIKE: To this very day. TOM: That is what you would call a long shot. > suddenly skidding to a halt. > > REVERSE ANGLE - TWO POLICE VANS > > have been rolled into the shot, making a formidable > barricade. MIKE: We know it's formidable because the script says so. TOM: The script is all-wise and all-knowing. CROW: Maybe they should build museum vaults out of police vans. > K.A.R.R. > > spins around, heads back the way it came. > > INT. K.A.R.R. > > A light on the dash goes on reading, "load jettison." TOM: Doesn't he want to get _rid_ of the jettison? > Tony > turns and is astonished to see that the trunk is opened and > the jewels are spilling out the back. MIKE: [as Tony] "After I was so careful with them!" > TONY > Wh-what are you doing? > > K.A.R.R. > I must eliminate excess weight in > order to jump over that barricade. > > Tony looks over at the vans. MIKE: [as Tony] "Damn, that's formidable!" > TONY > (arrogant) > Oh, no you're not...not with me in > here! > > K.A.R.R. > Very well. TOM: [as Karr] "No, I mean it. You delivered that line very well." > INSERT > > as "eject left" is activated. > > EXT. K.A.R.R. > > Tony is thrown out. The moment he lands, (on an awning or > similar) CROW: Because he can't possibly be hurt, right? Geez. > he is swarmed over by cops. TOM: A swarm of cops can skeletonize a perp in under two minutes. > OMITTED > > INT. K.I.T.T. > > K.I.T.T. > Michael...Bonnie...my analysis of > Karr's movements leads me to believe > he is maneuvering for a long enough > run to leap over the police barricade. > > MICHAEL > Ready? CROW: [as Kitt] "No, if he were ready, he would have done it by now. Moron." > INSERT - TARGET SCREEN > > BONNIE'S VOICE > Go! Go! Get in range! MIKE: Bonnie's cheerleader roots assert themselves at embarrassing moments. > THE SCENE > > The two cars head for each other again...then K.A.R.R. goes > up on two wheels! TOM: [as director] "Aren't you excited? Damnit, you're supposed to be on the edge of your seat! This is drama!" > The laser beam shoots out too late. > > K.A.R.R. > > as a laser blast blows out one headlight. We hear a > metallic "scream." CROW: [as Karr] "Arr! Avast ye!" > INT. K.I.T.T. > > BONNIE > (about the laser) > Oh, no! MIKE: Thanks for clearing that up. CROW: Yeah, for a minute there I thought she was worried about having to pay for that headlight. > Michael looks forward. A collision is imminent. TOM: All right! What we've been waiting for all episode! > THE SCENE > > Both cars slide past each other with inches to spare. TOM: Oh, phooey. > THE CROWD > > reacting in astonishment. MIKE: [as member of crowd, wooden] "Wow, I am astonished." CROW: [another member of crowd] "Me, too. Did you see my reaction?" TOM: [yet another member of crowd] "Sure did." MIKE: [first member of crowd, pointing] "Hey, they're doing something else!" ALL: [as crowd] "Ooooh..." > K.A.R.R. > > drops down on four wheels, spins around...roars towards the > barricade. > > K.I.T.T. > > also turns. CROW: [as Karr] "Copycat." TOM: Shouldn't that be "Kopy-Kitt"? MIKE: No, it shouldn't. TOM: Please? > DEVON AND OTHERS > > watching, amazed.... > > OMITTED ALL: [as Devon and Others] "That omission was amazing!" > NEW ANGLE - K.A.R.R. - SLOW MOTION > > as it jumps the vans, escapes! TOM: [as director] "Yeah! Awesome! This is what I live for! Cars jumping over things! Yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah!" > INT. K.I.T.T. > > Michael spins the wheel. MIKE: [as Michael] "Pick a number -- any number. Win your sweetheart a kewpie doll!" > BONNIE > You're not going after him? > > MICHAEL > Wanna bet? > > WIDER SHOT - K.I.T.T. > > as K.I.T.T. makes the same leap over the vans. CROW: Ho hum. TOM: It's not as exciting the second time, is it? > INT. K.I.T.T. > > landing hard. > > BONNIE > He's gone! MIKE: He's a wily one, that Keyser Soze. CROW: The Knight Electric Yyy--OW! TOM: Thanks for playing. > MICHAEL > Kitt...scan for him.... > > K.I.T.T. > Already scanning, Michael...Karr is > taking the coastal road north. TOM: He's going coastal! > MICHAEL > I-90 goes the same way...we can cut > him off. > > BONNIE > And then what? MIKE: [as Michael] "Then we die." > MICHAEL > We'll improvise! > > EXT. K.I.T.T. > > roaring down a freeway. > > CUT TO > > ON COASTAL ROAD - K.A.R.R. > > high on a cliff above the ocean, zooming along...nearly > running other cars off the road. CROW: But not really because the budget can't afford it. > INTERCUT - K.I.T.T. > > traveling the same screen direction on a highway. We play > this, then K.I.T.T. turns off the freeway, heads back the > other way. TOM: So basically we're jerking the audience around. > INTERCUT - K.A.R.R. > > Now the two cars are clearly on the same road...and clearly > on a collision course. MIKE: They're on a collision course with-- I can't say it. > INT. K.A.R.R. > > shooting over the driverless wheel. TOM: Oooooh, spooky. > K.I.T.T. appears on > the narrow road, far ahead. > > K.A.R.R. > Kitt...change course at once. CROW: [as Karr] "I am done with my soup and demand my appetizer." > INT. K.I.T.T. > > Intercut with above and point of views: > > K.I.T.T. > I am not in control, Karr. TOM: [as Kitt] "They dismantled that organization after 'Get Smart' went off the air." > K.A.R.R. > Then tell the humans to turn away. > This is folly. MIKE: No, this is boring. > BONNIE > He's right. > > K.I.T.T. > He's right! TOM: He's right. CROW: He's right. MIKE: We're _all_ right. > MICHAEL > No way. > > K.I.T.T. > Michael, what are you doing? MIKE: [as Michael] "I'm getting us killed. What does it look like I'm doing?" > MICHAEL > (grim, matter- > of-fact) > Remember that immovable object thing? MIKE: [as Michael] "You know, when you guys were talking about the Zero guy?" > We're about to find out the answer. > > K.A.R.R. > Your lives mean nothing to me! > Turn away! Turn away! TOM: [as Karr] "Yes, your lives mean nothing! That's why I'm trying to get you to preserve them!" > K.I.T.T. > Michael, please! Pardon the expres- > sion, but he does have a few screws > loose! Turn! Karr doesn't have my > programming to protect human life! CROW: This was explained in Act Two! > MICHAEL > That's what I'm counting on. > > BONNIE > What? MIKE: [as Michael] "I said, THAT'S WHAT I'M COUNTING ON!" > K.I.T.T. > Michael, I cannot allow you to > jeopardize your life. I am assuming > control. > > INSERT - DASH PANEL TOM: Isn't that extra dash redundant? MIKE: Let's have a panel discussion on the subject. > changing from "manual" to "automatic." > > MICHAEL'S VOICE > No, you're not, Kitt...sorry. > > Michael's hand stabs out. CROW: [as Bonnie] "Ouch!" TOM: Michael needs to trim his fingernails. > "Override" lights up. The panel > changes back to "manual." CROW: Damn, if only Karr had one of those buttons. MIKE: Would've saved everybody a whole mess o' problems. > BACK TO SCENE > > INT. K.I.T.T. > > They're getting closer.... TOM: Oh, I think they're about to kiss! > BONNIE > Michael, you know all those times > I've called you impulsive and > irresponsible? I...I didn't mean it. > > MICHAEL > Bonnie...you know all those times I've > called you bossy and demanding? I > didn't mean it either. > > K.I.T.T. > Michael...Bonnie.... CROW: [as Kitt] "When I called you moronic fleshbags, I meant it every time." > MICHAEL/BONNIE > Yes, Kitt? > > K.I.T.T. > Why are you lying to each other? > > No reply...they're about to hit (maybe one of these good > people grabs the other's hand?) CROW: Good people? Do you see any good people in this scene? MIKE: Now, Crow, just because they're not good actors doesn't mean they're not good people. CROW: Yes it does. > THE TWO CARS > > rush towards each other at breakneck speed TOM: Which means Michael's and Bonnie's necks are both broken. CROW: Works for me. > ...and then, at > the last possible moment, K.A.R.R. turns! MIKE: Gee, what a completely unexpected turn of events. > FROM BELOW CLIFF - K.A.R.R. - STOCK > > as it sails right over the edge of the cliff. TOM: [singing] "SAILING AWAY!" > K.A.R.R. > No! No! I cannot fail! I am the > prototype! I am the prototype! CROW: And as we all know, prototypes are the best because they have all the bugs in them! > K.I.T.T. - STOCK > > spinning around, skidding to a halt, rear wheels over the > edge of the cliff. > > FROM ABOVE - K.A.R.R. - STOCK > > plunging into the water. A moment later a huge underwater > explosion goes off...the world's biggest depth charge. TOM: Yeah. Right. > MICHAEL AND BONNIE > > reacting with relief. MIKE: [as Michael] "Whew!" CROW: [as Bonnie] "The episode's almost over!" > FREEZE FRAME > > END OF ACT FOUR > > TAG TOM: You're it! > FADE IN > > INT. SEMI - DAY > > Michael, Bonnie and Devon stand with K.I.T.T...with > champagne glasses. MIKE: [as Michael] "Hey, buddy? Want a glass? Oh, that's right. You can't. You're a machine. Ha ha ha ha ha!" > BONNIE > Well, at least things are back to > normal. > > DEVON > At what cost? All that destruction.... MIKE: One Ringmaster, a whole bunch of walls and doors... CROW: I'm surprised they didn't knock over a fruit stand while they were at it. TOM: Karr's reign of terror will live on in our memories for at least another day or two. > MICHAEL > Not to mention Zeno's Paradox...It > may go unanswered for another 2000 > years. MIKE: But we already know the answer. It's 42. > K.I.T.T. > I have a question about that, Michael. > What made you so sure that Karr > would turn away first...How did you > know you wouldn't uh.... TOM: Computers don't say "uh." CROW: They do when their dialogue is written by idiots. > BONNIE > Chicken out? > > K.I.T.T. > Thank you, Bonnie...Yes, Michael. > How did you know you wouldn't > chicken out first? > > MICHAEL > You provided that clue, Kitt. You > kept telling me how you two differed > in your basic programming. ALL: We _know_. > Yours is > to protect human life, but Karr's > basic program was self-preservation > ...so in a head-to-head confrontation > ...he would always 'chicken out.' > > DEVON > Eminently...if colloquially put. TOM: And with many...unnecessary pauses. > K.I.T.T. > Michael...I'm speechless. MIKE: So is Bonnie, but she doesn't feel like drawing attention to this fact by speaking. > DEVON > (sotto) > Bloody likely.... > > K.I.T.T. > No, really. Michael, your logic in > this case is totally illogical...and > yet it's absolutely correct. TOM: [as Kitt] "Fancy that. I've been out-thought by Michael Knight. Well, if you'll excuse me, there's this canyon I'd like to drive myself into." > This is just...amazing. > > MICHAEL > No, just...human. MIKE: [as Michael] "That's a lesson for you, Spock." > He slaps his hands together, smiles. > > MICHAEL > Okay, Kitt, what do you say we go > out for a little celebration of our > own? We'll drive anywhere you like, > maybe get a car wash...you can beat > me at chess again...name it. MIKE: [as Michael] "I could, you know, maintain you or something." > K.I.T.T. > Thank you, Michael, but it has been > a draining day. My power packs could > really use a rest. > > MICHAEL > Okay, pal. I'll see you tomorrow. > > They all ad-lib good-byes, exit. TOM: [as Bonnie] "See ya!" CROW: [as Devon] "Later." MIKE: [as Michael] "Shake and bake it, fry guys." TOM: [as director] "CUT! What the FUCK DOES THAT MEAN, Hasselhoff?! Take two!!!" > Michael lingers in the > door of the semi. > > MICHAEL > (cheery) CROW: I for one would like to see the depressed side of Michael Knight. MIKE: [as Michael] "Hey, Kitt. You wanna-- Oh, never mind." > Hey, how's it feel to be one of a > kind again? > > K.I.T.T. > As you know, Michael, I do not have > feelings. TOM: [as Kitt, sotto voce] "I only tell you several times every week." > However, for want of a > better term, being one of a kind is > a very familiar feeling. > > MICHAEL > Right. > > He goes out. We hold on K.I.T.T. for a beat. > > INT. K.I.T.T. > > A screen comes on. A button lights up "VIDEO REWIND." > We see snow on a screen. Then "PLAY" lights up. MIKE: Suddenly a group of children begins playing with the snow. > The scene of K.I.T.T. and K.A.R.R. outside the > warehouse appears, their scanners touching. CROW: If their scanners were touching, firing that laser should have been a snap. TOM: Oh, but then we would have missed this touching conversation. > K.A.R.R. > ...It is interesting to meet you. > > K.I.T.T. > It is interesting to meet you, Karr. > Until now, I thought I was one of a kind. MIKE: I wish this scene were one of a kind. > K.A.R.R. > To be one of a kind is very > special. But to be two of a kind is > special, also. > > K.I.T.T. > Yes. Perhaps even more special, > Karr. Perhaps even more. TOM: Aww, Kitt's first crush! CROW: It's so cute when they're young and unfeeling machines. > The "OFF" button lights up. The screen goes dark. > > HIGH ANGLE SHOT - K.I.T.T. - VERY WIDE LENS > > in the empty semi...one of a kind again. > > THE END MIKE: Somehow I doubt it. [Ka-thunk...2...3...4...5...6...SoL Bridge] MIKE: Well, that wasn't too mind-wrenchingly awful, was it? TOM: My databanks are not accessible with a wrench, so I cannot comment. MIKE: Oh, you know what I mean. What was your reaction to the show? CROW: I do not "react" to stimuli as humans do, Michael. Your emotional concepts are simply not applicable to the manner in which I function. MIKE: Could you run that by me again? CROW: I could run the routine which caused me to speak those words again, but I doubt it would aid in your comprehension. TOM: Really, Michael, the failings in the human ability to retain and process information continually astounds me, for lack of a better term, because of course I do not experience what you codify as "astonishment." MIKE: Does all this have something to do with how you felt about the show? CROW: Please, Michael. We do not "feel" anything. We do not have "emotions" as you do. MIKE: That's funny. It may be my inferior human memory, but I know I've personally seen both of you cry like babies, on numerous occasions. TOM: What is this "cry" of which you speak? MIKE: Okay, cut it out, guys. What's going on? CROW: [totally breaking character] Oh, Tom and I are just having a